A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Three years ago, I had posted a question for relationship advise on this forum. My question can be found in the following link:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-took-an-instant-dislike-to-each-other.htmlThis is a continuation of the same relationship. To make a long story short, things progressed between us to a great extent. We ended up making love - the first time in both our lives. And it has been just once, since we both wanted to ensure that our relationship is not just about sex, but about love. He told me he is in love with me romantically, and I am his soulmate. He said he would like to marry me, but not just yet. He comes from a family that has been broken and he is extremely commitment phobic. I didn't mind because his happiness means the world to me and if he wants to wait, I am ready to wait.Our relationship is not known to others because of family reasons. Since we plan to wait up and get married, we didn't want to let our families know about it, since they will start pressuring us into marriage. So it's more or less under cover. Two years back one of my friends began to be romantically interested in him. He didn't believe me when I told him what her intentions were, and I understand that he might have felt I was jealous. I felt extremely threatened and didn't express myself very well either. However, he was very patient with me, assured me of his love and said that he has no feelings for her and that she is just running behind him. To prove this point, he kept me informed of every conversation that occured between them, even to the point where she offered to go to bed with him. So I trust him completely in this. Not every man would do that. However, this lady began to get an idea that he was interested in me, and began harassing him telling him that she would kill herself if he didn't marry her. He is terribly scared that she will do something like that and mess things up. She still continues to harass him as well as me - there is constant annoyance from her, where she threatens to break us both up. And she has gone around to every single one of my friends and broken my friendships with them by telling them that I'm a homosexual. So, basically, I do not have any friends because of what she has done, and this guy is the only person in my life.His work is very hectic, and from the past year and a half it has become so hectic that he barely gets a chance to sleep. He is a volunteer in the medical field and really cares about people. So he gives his best. However, this started taking a toll on both of us since I haven't had a chance to spend time with him alone, just the two of us, since December 2009. We've had our ups and downs in this relationship and both of us have had problems because of it. There was a point of time last year that I was very insecure about my friend who was running after him. She is voluptuous, and I am petite. Although bust size and looks do not matter to him, I very stupidly wanted to increase my bust size and tried some hormonal pills (on prescription by a gynec). While the pills worked a bit, I was not prepared for the side effects with regard to mood swings. I should say that there were times that I have been really nasty to him, and have snapped at him for no real reason, except my distorted perceptions. He stayed calm through all this and still assured me of his love. After a 3 months, the effects of the pills went down and I went back to my normal self. I tried hard to be in control of myself, irrespective of stress, PMS or anything. There are a lot of stresses in my life, especially financially, because I support him in his volunteer work. It was on mutual consent that I offered to support him and his family in any way, and I will never go back on this even if I don't get him as my husband. Apart from this is the stress of not being able to meet him up. It's been around 15 months. And with the way his work is, we just get time to talk once in few days. And most of it is related to work that needs to be done. I understand how it is and I don't expect much out of it.What happened now is that all of a sudden he tells me that he no longer loves me romantically. I've been really supportive for the past few months and he too earlier had told me that I was being "an absolute sweetheart" and that I make his life easier, and that I am the reason he is able to do things. I've supported him emotionally through tough times and been with him when no one else was there. He knows and accepts this. Besides, as I mentioned in my earlier post, his temper is one of his worst banes. He told me this at the start of our relationship and I need to say that he has sincerely been working to keep his temper under check. However, when it does blow up, it can rip a person apart, and I have been putting up with that too, because I love him very dearly. Two weeks back, I had a severe breakdown because of stress. It was on Monday, March 14th. I've been a victim of child abuse, first by a female relative from the time I was 3 years old till I was around 8. And then again I suffered abuse from a male relative from the time I was around 13 years old till I was 16. This took a huge toll on my emotions and I have been struggling to cope with it, despite undergoing therapy many years back. To add to it, I wass ditched by two men. The first one after 4 years of our relationship, because ours was a long distance relationship and while we were apart he fell in love with another girl. And the second, after 3 years of our relationship, because my parents separated and his parents were very conservative and he feared they would not approve of him marrying someone from a broken family. To add to that, there has been extreme stress with work since I have to hold 2 jobs, I travel 4 hours each day in public transportation for my first job and at the end of the day I am terribly exhausted but barely get a chance to sleep as I need to work on my second job. I take care of my ageing mother, who can be quite a challenge to handle and as she grows older I need to deal with her varying moods, tantrums and illnesses. Of late I have been quite stable and have been able to keep my emotions and actions under check. But at times when I'm extra stressed out, it all comes back with a big blow. On that Monday I had a severe breakdown, but didn't pressure him with it since I knew he was stressed out as well with his work. We both communicate over chat (gtalk) since we have compatible phones and we thought this would make communication easier for short messages. So on Tuesday morning, when my nerves were still raw and I was trying hard to get myself back on track, he sent me 6 messages back to back with an update on some information I had sent him. I responded with 5 messages. And then he fired me for sending him messages back to back when he is busy and surrounded by his seniors. When he fired me, I too lost it and fired him back, because I was already under loads of pressure and couldn't take firing at that point. I waited till things cooled down and called him in the night and tried to apologise for yelling at him as well as probably getting him into trouble with his seniors, and I tried to tell him that I had no idea where he was at the time. He just lost control and told me he didn't want to talk about it and said that I was a burden on him and I'm adding to his problems. I know that he has a lot going on now that he is not well equipped to handle, and his parents have been really messing up things for him. So I thought it was the stress of everything that made him say this. Quite often both of us say things we don't mean, under pressure. But later we always take the initiative to apologise and clarify things. So I thought this was the case. I know that when guys are stressed out they need their space, so though I was hurting with his words I thought I would give him some space and decided we will end the call. I told him that I love him before ending the call. He got even more angry and said that he didn't want to talk about love, and cut the call on me. I went mad with that and tried calling him back again (which I shouldn't have done) and then sent him messages which showed my irritation (which I shouldn't have done either). He called me back, fired me some more, and told me that if I irritated him anymore he would end his life because he couldn't take any more of my nonsense. I'm really puzzled - because I had been on my best behaviour before that breakdown. In fact, I hadn't called him or messaged him or demanded anything from him for months, since I knew that any pressure that I put on him might stress him out more. So I don't know what he meant by saying he couldn't take my nonsense.I let time go by. I do a lot of documentation work for him to help him out with his medical practice. So I sent him a consolidation of this during the weekend, along with an apology if anything that I said or did had hurt him. On Sunday evening, he sent me a message that he will go through the documentation and let me know if he wants any changes to it. And he told me to stop apologizing to me. He said he made a commitment to me and it's too late to do anything about it and that he doesn't want to be like the other jerks in my life who ditched me. So he said he would stick to me, but he can't love me the way he loved me before. I asked him to clarify what he meant by it. He said that his love for me had decreased. Needless to say, I was devastated. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me again. I asked him to let me know what I had done to him. He said that I was mad and my madness had put him off. I really don't don't don't understand this. Anyway, on Monday we chatted again (and fought, of course). And the same went on to Tuesday. On Tuesday evening we finally managed to have a sane conversation over chat. He didn't have the courage to speak to me over phone and tell me things straight off, and I understand it, because he must have been feeling bad. Anyway, on Tuesday he told me that his love for me had died some time back, but he didn't have the courage to tell me the truth because he didn't want to hurt me. He said that he tried to love me again but couldn't get those feelings for me again, and when I had the breakdown he got frustrated and the truth came out that he didn't love me romantically any more. I felt more hurt than ever, because the thought of the man I love forcing himself to love me and be good to me...it's more than the hurt of rejection. Also, the only thing I had to hold on to were memories. I now don't know which of those memories are real and which are just a charade.In early January of this year he went into major depression for a week. Towards the end of his depression we once had a fight in the morning, and he told me that his work is stressful and he can't contribute to a relationship and he wants to get out of ours. In the evening, he called me and cried over the phone, telling me that he didn't mean anything he said and that he loved me more than his life, and that he couldn't live without me. Things seemed to get back to normal. He called me at least 3 times a week and we had heart to heart conversations. Then in February, he expressed his love even more. When I happened to visit the hospital where he works (on February 17th), he told me that when he saw me his heart started beating fast and he couldn't breathe with the excitement of seeing me, even if it was from a distance. Then, on February 22nd, we met for a quick bite - a burger and coke, near the hospital. We prayed together before our meal, hand in hand, and when he looked at me I could see love in his eyes. It was late in the evening, so after our meal, he suggested that we take a walk hand in hand (like the old times), in the streets beside the hospital. We were hoping to share a kiss during our walk but the streets were not empty, and public kissing in India is not accepted. So we went our ways, happy with the little time we had. On February 27th, out of the blue, he sent me a message that he loves me very intensely and that I am his life. He normally doesn't express his love over messages a lot, and usually is verbal about it, but rarely, if ever, expresses it over message. And even if he ever does, it's usually in response to a question of mine. So this message was completely of his own accord. Right up to March 10th, we was very loving to me. And then from March 15th there's been so much confusion. He now tells me that when he came back to me in January when we had that break up for a day, that he did it because he was afraid that I would harm myself since he knew I couldn't take it. I don't believe that...Because I sent him a mail telling him that though he had decided he didn't want me, if he ever needed someone to turn to, I would be there. And I told him that I wouldn't do anything stupid and he was not to worry. Besides, when he spoke to me that day, I feel he was genuinely in love with me.I don't understand - if he really didn't love me romatically, and if he was forcing himself to love me again because he didn't want to hurt me, and if he was trying to make himself love me again, how would I be able to see love in his eyes when he looked at me when me met on February 22nd? When he told me over phone that he loved me, how could I could feel the intensity of it despite the distance between us if it wasn't there? If he didn't love me romantically, how would he be able to feel love for me when he saw me? It just doesn't make any sense. Just a couple of weeks back he told me that no one knows him the way I do - I know his feelings, his wants and needs, and I often can identify these for him before he ever can, and that he's thankful that I belong to him.I know for a fact that he doesn't love anyone else. He has always been faithful to me, and his work anyway doesn't give him time to maintain a single relationship, let alone parallel relationships. I'm terribly hurt and confused because I can't discuss this with anyone I know, since no one knew that we were in love. Also, I don't know if he really has lost his love for me or whether this is the result of stress. I understand that when men undergo stress it can affect them in a way that it doesn't affect women, since they are always encouraged to be macho. I really don't know what to do. Yesterday he told me that he was sorry he hurt me and he never wanted to do it, but he couldn't pretend to me any more. I asked him what I meant to him now. He said I'm his closest friend and that we would always be together as friends. And then, over chat, he send me "Love you :-* ", of course as a friend.I know that many would tell me to leave him. But I can't. I love him too much and I don't want to walk out on him just because of what he has said and continues to say. It's not that I'm in denial. But I believe that when you love someone, you would stick to them through the good times and the bad. If he is going through extreme stress and is therefore emotionally tired, then I understand why he may not be able to feel the same flame we once shared. I still feel it despite my stress, but then, men and women feel and react differently. If it is just the result of stress, I don't want to walk out on him, but would rather be there for him. However, what if it is not stress? What if he really no longer loves me romantically? I still can't let him go. He is not a part of my life - he is my life. I have read online about reverse psychology and pushing a man's emotional hot buttons to get him back. I don't know - I don't think I can do that. Apart from the fact that I am hurting a lot, I can't really be hard on him. I know that he can't manage without me in many ways. And if I try stunts, I feel that I would be exploiting my knowledge of his weaknesses. I know that women are often said to be sneaky and cunning, but I really can't. I want him back, but I don't know how to do it. I messed things up further by expressing how hurt I was, in a couple of e-mails. It was only yesterday that I found out that expressing things over e-mail or message kind of puts men off further. So I stopped doing that. And from yesterday afternoon I have stopped taking the initiative to get in touch with him, and just respond when he buzzes me on chat, which he has done a lot. Many sites say that I should not respond and that's the best way to get him back. But I can't do that to him. I love him too much to mess around with his head. I really don't know what to do. I want him back so badly. I promise that I will work harder so that even if I do have another breakdown, I won't snap at him even if he provokes me to heights. I just want his love back. Please help me.... I don't know what to do....
View related questions:
fell in love, insecure, jealous, kissing, long distance, petite, soulmate, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): You have been through a lot haven't you? There is no simple or quick way out of this. I read your entire post so here are my thoughts on your situation:
Tell him something along the line that you’re still deeply in love with him and will always be there if he needs you. That you don't know how he feels about you at this time and that you want to give both of you time away from each other to clear your head.
It's clear to me that you love him and that he loves you, on some level at least. However his mindset is all over the place with outside complications. Sometimes the pain you’re going through vents in the wrong direction and towards the people you care about (i.e. you).
I think you both need a break from each other and pretty much everything else for a while if you can. It'll give you both time to clear your head on focus on what's important. If you both truly love each other then nothing and no one should get in the way of that.
There is no easy or quick way out of this situation I’m sorry to say. This will take time as you are no doubt aware.
One other thing I would add. Ignore all the guides on the Internet telling you how to make someone miss you, love you back etc… Any intelligent person can’t be manipulated or pulled on a string to make them see you how you want them to. If you love someone you treat him or her like a person and not an experiment.
I wish you both the best of luck. Always remember that you’re not alone out there though. You’d be surprised how many stories people have told me that are so similar to your situation.
Take Care!
|
