A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for over three months now. He has serious commitment issues, which he warned me about. He never had a long term relationship, and less than a handful of them were monogamous relationships. He agreed to be exclusive because he saw potential for something serious between us, and says he cares about me, but some of his actions speak louder than words. He cancels on me all the time. He says he cannot wait to see me one hour and 30 minutes before he is about to come over (plans are made two days in advance), then 30 minutes later he texts that he is getting sick and is sorry but he has to cancel. He doesn't like to talk on the phone. We never talk between dates. He waits until the next day to respond to a text message. I'm lucky if we see each other twice a week. All we do is "hang out" at night. I accused him of just wanting me for sex, but he denied it. Every time I try to break it off with him, he calls non stop saying that he's just busy with work and his mother's cancer. I'm trying to be understanding, but the way he blows me off hurts, makes me feel rejected, and like I am being played and used. I haven't met his family, doubtful I ever will. His facebook has player/womanizer written all over it. He says he will try harder, we will talk more and see each other more, but it never happens. Why won't he just let me go if he is not interested in something serious or into me. Or is he seeing someone else, and just a player? I've tried no contact, but it's difficult because he is very persistent.Some background: we met online and deleted our dating profiles a while ago.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): Thanks for your responses. I will add that he says he has strong feelings for me and is begging me to reconsider. He hates that I accuse of him of using me, and that I always assume the worst and am projecting my past onto our relationship. (He could be right about this, since I do have a bad relationship history). He does have a lot going on with his mom and work. He wants to get hired by this company and has a month remaining before the company decides to hire him back or not. He says he's been faithful to me, and just incredibly busy and has a lot going on. He's afraid of commitment because he's scared of getting hurt. His parents had a very bad divorce, but he would "never lie to me about being exclusive." He told me he had to give it some serious thought before he could agree to being exclusive, and it was sooner than he would have liked, but he always saw serious potential for us and wants me to not give up on us so quick. He wants me to at least meet with him to discuss how he could change to make things better, no sex.... It's hard to ignore such kind words. But whether those words are in fact sincere, it very difficult to be the judge of that. Maybe he is a master of manipulation, and I'm very easy to con.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2013):
 Listen to his actions not his lip service.
You’ve been dating over 3 months for most folks by now it’s either red flags abounding (as is your case) or it’s bliss and “are we moving too fast”
“he agreed to be exclusive” so I’m going to assume you wanted exclusivity and he said yes but that it was NOT his idea.
1. He cancels on me all the time. And YOU are accepting this. He’s giving you constant excuses to let you down at the last minute… 2 days in advance in not a lot of planning and he does it to tie you up then drop you at the last minute so you have nothing to do. It means you can’t go out and meet other men who are better suited and more interested in you.
2. We never talk between dates…. If dates include sex and you have no contact between dates you are not his girlfriend you are his fuck buddy.
My husband and I were LDR when we first started dating… we communicated via email most of the time. (we still do even now that we live in the same house) and he was not much of a phone talker… till he had me… then there were nights we talked for hours… about NOTHING…
3. “all we do is hang out at night” AND have SEX right? Yeah cause “I accused him of just wanting me for sex but he denied it” So you do know how to figure this one out right? STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM. STOP DOING THINGS for him. STOP ROWING THE RELATIONSHIP BOAT and doing all the work to make this relationship try to work. It’s really a NON-relationship if all you do is hang out twice a week and have sex.
4. Every time I try to break it off. There is no TRY DO OR DO NOT.
You should feel hurt and rejected as you are nothing but a handy penis holder for this guy…
Why do you NEED HIM TO LET YOU GO? Why can’t you just say “NO MORE” then block his email and his phone number and block him on social media? WHY can’t YOU walk away…
He’s not leaving because he knows your weak and he can get laid with false words.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): You're seeing the red flags, trust your instincts and don't waste your time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): I agree with the others.
Its early days, and things don't seem right.
You need to get out now, and don't take his calls etc.
You should have someone who deserves you.
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A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (17 September 2013):
Why don't you let him go? Perhaps that is the question you should be asking.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 September 2013):
How about no contact and you block his number/email/Facebook?
Nothing is EVER going to change, you seem to be well aware of that, so it's your job to leave, not his.
He's happy with the way things are, you're not.
To specifically answer your question, he doesn't let you go because he's okay with your arrangement and people hate being rejected. Dumping someone is a good way to get them to want you!
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 I agree with Honeypie, and the flakiness could mean that he's juggling women. You know what you need to do. Don't waste any more time on this guy. End it. Change his name to "DO NOT ANSWER" on your phone and start dating other guys. Before you know it, he'll be a distant memory and you'll be spending time with another guy who treats you much better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 September 2013):
 I don't know if he is seeing some one else and in a way it's besides the point.
It's only been 3 months and he is not at all caring about meeting you needs. He will give you lip-service and tell you he will do better, but he doesn't follow through.
He told you that he has serious commitment issues, which he warned you about. That is a huge red flag. WHY would a guy who really doesn't want to commit go on dating sites? One thing pops to mind. Trolling for "FWB" or "casual relationships". The whole warning you is not to give YOU an out, it's to give himself one.
You are wasting your time.
It's not about him "letting" you go, it's about you not wanting to be seen as the "bad" guy by ending it. If you want it to be over then end it and cut the contact.
Again, his actions speaks loudly and you are not listening.
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