A
female
age
,
*nnalee123
writes:I will be with my partner of seven years in March and I have started to ask myself where the relationship is actually going and am feeling slightly insecure. He is a high earner but all his money is put into finance and he is forever on his ipad checking the state of his accounts. He has no children or any other financial commitments other than the £600 housekeeping that he gives me every month. Well this Christmas I told him that I thought it was time that he gave me something of more value to mark our relationship and his commitment, namely in the name of a ring, but by christmas eve he still hadn't been out to get my gift even though he was going to his mum's for a week but he had planned to rush out before he left to get me something. I told him not to bother but to do it when he got back and I decided I would not give him his presents before he left as I didn't really think he deserved any. Well, it is now February and his bag of presents are still sitting in the bedroom and I am still without a present from him, ring or otherwise, and it has made me feel very differently towards him.He lives very comfortably in my home has all his washing, ironing, meals catered for, uses my car, etc etc and I think to expect a gift from him, without prompt, is not too much to expect. We now have a few occasions coming up this year and I am already envisaging disappointment.I may appear to be a materialistic person but I am not as I run my own business and work very hard for what I have achieved and I don't really need his money but I just need this man to do something for me to make me feel special, at least on one occasion.There is an age difference between us (15 years) and I am wondering if he just sees me as someone to cater for his needs and more as his landlady, rather than his partner.Thank you for your advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): Ummm. I wouldnt be happy either and you have my sympathy. He has become emotionally lazy and forgotten who you are I think. Alot of men (British) do this.
I dont think even starting to talk to him alone is an option. I would straight out suggest counselling together. He is possibly oblivious about the damage he is doing. You need an intermediate or you could just be accused of that horrible male weapon `nagging' or go round in circles with him being better for all of a week then reverting.
Im happy for you you can be independant from him if you have to. You deserve better. Good luck fellow Brit x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): Hi. It sounds as if he is busy using you and your facilities while he accumulates his wealth. What is he wanting to do with all this money he is trying to amass? I have a feeling he doesnt include you in any long term plans, he is just enjoying low rent and all the trimmings for now while he saves.
Maybe he doesnt want to buy you a ring but by mentioning you wanted one, you have painted him into a corner! Hes not prepared to put a ring on your finger and he knows you wont be satisfied with anything less, so he is trying to ignore the whole subject. By keeping quiet about it all, you are probably giving him the impression that you have forgotten too. This Valentines Day you could propose to him! He will either decline or accept. Then you will have your answer as to whether he is being a time waster or he is genuine. In the meantime start sharing out chores at home. You shouldnt be doing every for him. If you spoil him and settle for less in return you are doing yourself a great disservice. Expect more. You are worth it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 February 2012):
 Arrrrggghhhhh!!! How bloody frustrating and upsetting for you.
It definitely looks like he is using you. I wonder what the rest of your relationship is like?
Does he sleep with you?
Is he affectionate?
Does he take you out and spoil you?
Do you have a laugh with eachother and hold hands?
Does he tell you he loves you (and it is sincere)?
All these things are normal when you love and care about someone. This is what a loving relationship is and it should make you feel happy and secure.
Anything else isn't a good relationship and can make you really miserable and desperately unhappy.
Women make three basic mistakes:
They see years invested as a reason to stay in a crappy relationship.
They think if they give and give and give, it's going to buy them the love and respect they want and need.
They equate sex with love and for a man they are not the same.
I think the time has come to lay your cards on the table and spell out what you need. It may make or break the relationship but at least you will know. It is far better to get out, grieve and move on rather than tolerate years of bad behaviour that keeps you out on a limb hoping and praying that he will change...100% certainty...he won't.
Don't be scared to ditch him and get on with your life. Sure the future is uncertain but life has a way of turning around and it is way too short to waste on heartbreak, negativity, uncertainty and loving someone who does not show you that love right back.
I feel for you, am sending you a massive hug and lots of positive energy to deal with this and move yourself into action.
Let us know how you get on xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): “I am wondering if he just sees me as someone to cater for his needs and more as his landlady, rather than his partner.”
Yes, this is the case and a landlady should not be doing anything other than renting a room, no cooking, no laundry etc. I think you're crazy to do any of this. Just stop doing all of it, tell him if he won't commit to you he can move out and or remain a tenant and you will start to seek another relationship. Better for both of you if he just leaves.
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