A
male
age
30-35,
*oveher
writes:I’ve been dating this amazing girl for two years. We took our relationship very slow because we both had been in long term relationships that ended badly. Our relationship is close to perfect we’ve actually talked marriage recently. We were talking about things and she told me she felt like she needed to be open about her past. I knew her step father was in prison but she always said she didn’t want to talk about it so I always left it at that. Then she told me She was sexually abused by her step father and a friend of his for almost Two years. It was terrible, some of things she endured were unimaginable. Part of me is glad she was able to open up to me but part of me wishes that she hadn’t. Every time we are intimate I think of what has happened to her. I get upset , angry and emotional. I don’t want to upset her by telling her what’s going on but she knows something isn’t right. This past weekend I literally had to stop during sex because I couldn’t get past one of the stories she had told me. IShe told me that it wasn’t something that she liked to talk about and that with the help of therapy she has been able to move on fromIt so I don’t want to bring it up and cause issues for her. I need a way to get this out of my head and be able focus on our relationship again.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 May 2018):
 I totally understand how you are feeling. It almost makes sex feel uncomfortable for you and that you are causing her to remember things that she chooses to forget. However being raped and having sex is two complete different things. She has had therapy to help her with her past and well she obviously trusts you enough to open up to you. I think you just need to be honest with her and you can both work through it together. I am pretty sure she wouldn't be having sex with you if she wasn't comfortable or that she feels she has to have sex with you. From someone who has been gang raped, I don't associate being raped with having sex with my husband at all. It is good she has been honest with you. You should also tell her how you are feeling. Let her know you are there to protect her and you will never hurt her like that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2018): Be patient with her.Let her tell you want she wants to about it but do not push her about it.Yes it upsets you but be strong for her and always let her Know you are always on her side and will always have her back.Sometimes she may need to vent let her and listen.If she has a flashback stop having sex and let her be the lead.Do not pout if she ever says no.She is a very brave person.She pressed charges so he could not do it to someone else.That was very brave.None of this was ever her fault or your fault.Maybe you see a therapist so you can work out how you feel about this.Take fact that she must really trust you to tell you about this.Be kind.
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A
male
reader, loveher +, writes (23 May 2018):
loveher is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have no anger towards her at all. It’s the opposite actually , I wish there was a way I could go back in time and protect her from all of it. I get angry thinking that someone hurt her, took an innocent piece from her. I get angry at the thought of her hurting and being afraid of a family member that should have been there to protect her. I’m afraid I might say something or touch her in a way that makes her remember something they did. I’m worried that she thinks she needs to have sex with me to validate our relationship. There’s so many emotions and thoughts of have. I just keep picturing the things she told me and it sickens me that someone did those things to her with out her consent. I’ve never known anyone personally that has been abused in any way. I grew up in a house where I’d get my ass handed to me if my father ever heard me disrespecting a girl. I was raised the treat women with respect and my parents drilled it into my head that I needed to win a girl over for her to even consider kissing me let alone have sex with me. So to think she was forced to do things she didn’t want makes me angry at people I don’t know.
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