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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi All!I've got a heck of a problem that is killing me!My girlfriend and I have been dating for one year now. I was about to propose to her, (I'm crazy about her), but she just confessed a terrible secret that floored me! It turns out that her boss (whom I know and admired) and she were lovers for about a year, two years back. They see each other every day, I've been to his home. I suspected something like that when we first started dating, and asked her flat out if she had had anything to do with him in the past. She vehemently denied it, and said he was like a father to her. I accepted what she told me as a truth. How this whole thing came out was that I saw a chat session between them (on her cell phone), where he called her his "Number 1" and "I'll always be there for you, etc". I confronted her about this conversation, which seemed pretty intimate, and she confessed they had been lovers. Now, I feel she should have told me about this when I asked early on -- I don't feel it's right for them to continue being such intimate friends. She says I have no right to question her about her past, and that I HAVE to accept their intimate "father-daughter" relationship -- she wants him to give her away at the altar! I was OK with this before, I had grown fond of him, but now I feel betrayed and very, very jealous!I think that if my girlfriend can't put me first in her life, I can't marry her. I feel I can't go back to his house and face his wife any more.I feel shocked and a dissappointed about their lack of morals in this situation.I want her to break off her relationship with him entirely -- he's an immoral man and is a bad influence.Am I being too harsh?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2006): Hi
A lot of people don't tell thier partner about thier past for fear of upsetting them. however, she has flat out lied to you when you have asked her.That is the difference! I think you should give her an ultimatum - you or him.
Just an afterthought - maybe she wants more from this other guy, but he won't leave his wife??? The sound like they trully deserve each other and I think you will be better off in the long run if you reconsider relationship, albeit a marriage proposal to this woman. good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2006): I hope you came by that chat session innocently, because snooping through other people's things is a pretty bad breach of trust. But onto the question at hand:
Your girlfriend's "immoral" ex-boyfriend is immaterial in this situation. The larger problem is that she flat-out lied to you for over a year about her past liason with him. In my opinion, you are being harsh with the wrong party here. Your girlfriend deserves the flak for being so outrageously dishonest. You are also within your rights to ask your girlfriend to make this man back off if you perceive his contact with her as more than friendly.
Unfortunately, since you turned this up when you slipped and fell into her cell-phone chat logs, you're going to need to accept a little grief as well.
Overall, I hope this debacle will give you pause for thought before deciding to marry this woman, because she may be full of all sorts of other surprises as well. You're still at the stage where you're both getting to know each other intimately, so slow down.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2006): You tell her that she outright lied to you in the beginning! However, you shouldn't demand that she stop seeing/talking with her friend. The thing is, you have to tell her that she lied in the beginning - first and foremost, when you asked her if they've dated before or had any sex before, she denied it. Doesn't matter what the reason was, but she lied. Second, you ask her what her relationship with him is now, and why does she consider him to be her Number 1? Lastly, you shouldn't ask her to stop seeing him. There is no lack of morals here. My gf is friends with most of her ex's. In fact, she's close to one of them.
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