A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just had a baby boy two weeks ago and my bf is not pulling his weight enough around the house to which he is the father of this one. I already have an 18 month old (not his - her father didn't want to know her nor has he ever tried to see her once though was offered) Anyway, I find I am doing most of their care - when I ask the bf to do the odd thing like change the nappy of the 18 month old while I nurse the newborn - he does it v slowly and has a grumpy sort of look on his face though he tells me he doesn't mind when I ask him I hope you don't mind - its just cos I can't do the two children at once at the same time and I don't want her sitting in a dirty nappy waiting for me. When I told him if he could simply speed up his act - he gets easily offended and throws a strop and creates a bad atmosphere in front of her to which I end up telling him to simply leave cos I don't find it healthy for young children to see that nonsense. He decided this morning to call me 'controlling' which I believe is name-calling. I don't name call him back...so I told him to go I won't take disrespect from any man. I said I wasn't controlling him so to speak but just asking for support where necessary. I let him sleep throughout the night - while I manage their care - the boy likes to sleep in the daytime and the girl likes to sleep at night so I am not getting much sleep between the two of them. My daughter is v clingy to me and doesn't feed great for him though I have attempted to let him feed her while I nurse the little one. Now our relationship is hanging together by a thread. I am upset cos he kept to say shut up to me this morning and I never said anything bad back at him other than leave my house now. I don't think I can carry on being with a man who is giving me no love whatsoever - he expects me to run after him all the time. My own mother feels sorry for me. She thinks I should give him his marching orders. He also doesn't eat well and its cos of me he has been getting nice cooked meals every day. I am sick of feeling like his mother. I also do all his laundry every week. He is currently trying to find work and I am paying for everything too. I feel constantly taken for granted by him. We don't have sex anymore and that is fine by me as I just had a baby and sex is prob the last thing on my mind. Its like as if our couple has disappeared now that there are 2 children. We don't go out cos there is no money to either. Why is he not taking care like he used to of our couple? why does he leave it to me to ring him instead of ring me...I have stopped ringing him now. He never txts or rings and does so once in a blue moon. I also feel he is only really interested in the new baby and not so much in the 18 month old cos its not his though he tells me he loves her equally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the kind responses. I took on board all your suggestions and attempted to approach him in a calm and nice way and talk these things out gently. He was higly defensive and he happened to insult me 3 times - then he took one of his insults back realising he was going below the belt. I didn't react to it but was upst enough to have to talk about these problems to begin with. I feel he is blowing hot and cold. I think I am more bothered to lose this relationship than he appears to be. He thinks the lack of money is the problem in our couple and although it is - I don't feel its the central problem. He seems to be ok with whatever I decide in the end. The children have always come first and always will...when I told him I simple feel v unappreciated by him and when I reassured him that I appreciate him for x y and z that he does do, it was like as if he didn't believe me when I said it even when I repeated that again as a peace offering and said I meant it. I then went on Facebook and saw he was joking with my best friend who is a girl...its not one of his friends and she never writes back to him when he does this as she doesn't trust men v easily and well I guess he doesnt know that...but yeah now am wondering why he was off joking with her when I was trying to fix us....any more ideas to get this work cos I feel my patience is shot and obviously I do care to get this situation restored for the newborn's sake at the v least....thank you again..
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 your hormones are at an all time high right now..
he's a first time dad...
personally if someone asked me to do a favor for them (i.e. change a dirty nappy) and then CRITCISED how I did it or the speed I did it... I'd not be inclinded to do ANYTHING for them.... (and he does see it as doing it FOR YOU not for your daughter)....
Yes you need care and nurturing 2 weeks after a new baby... he should be waiting on you as best as he can but some people don't get it... or can't get it...
I am learning in therapy with my partner right now to make sure that DAILY he knows the things I appreciate about him... and to TELL HIM
I appreciate it when YOU:
take the trash out (yes he SHOULD do it but I still appreciate it)
empty the dishwasher
cook my meals
cuddle with me at bedtime...
stupid stuff that folks take for granted but it's important to make sure he knows.
in return he's learning to tell me the things he appricates about me... and they are things I would never think of as needing appreciation.
so right now you two are at the I NEED stage...
you are at the BABIES COME FIRST stage... and that sucks the life out of a couple.
if you just had a baby and you have an 18 month old that is not his it means you guys are NOT even together that long... relationships are live things they require care and feeding...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): No one can tell you what you should do when it comes to your relationship with the father of your child. People are only human and sometimes the stress just gets to people in different ways.
I am twenty-one years old and I have a two year old daughter. She is my entire world and since having her I've only tried dating once.
He was my ex-boyfriend from high school and I figured I'd give him a chance, but things just didn't seem to fit. He demanded so much of my time. He didn't see why I had to be there all the time for my daughter and I tried to explain that since she's just a baby (she was not even a year old yet) she needed me more than he did.
Yes, I tried to be a good girlfriend. I spent time with him whenever he wanted and when I'm with him I make it all about him, but then he became too demanding. He wanted me to get pregnant and have a child with him, but I knew I couldn't. I was too young to be having two children.
I think that in the end I just had to choose. My happiness with my daughter or the stress of keeping what little happiness I could find with him.
In my opinion you should just do what feels right to you. For you and your children because at the end of the day what's right for you is right for your kids. If you feel that he is favoriting one child over the other you need to make the choice. You don't want them to grow up resenting each other for being held to different standards.
Being a parent is hard enough without having to worry about the man as well. That's why I ended things. I just couldn't take care of two babies...my daughter and my boyfriend. I know its not the same thing because he's not the father of my child, but I hope it helps you in some way.
Best wishes and I hope it works out for you and your children.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (20 October 2011):
You are in one of the most testing times of a relationship, and it would be a shame for you to split up now without keep trying at working things out. You haven't even mentioned the effect it would have on his child that it would grow up without you two being a couple together.
I'm guessing the lack of sex is probably an issue with him. He probably does see you as nagging and controlling HOWEVER at the same time he is not appreciating how difficult all this is on you and is not pulling his weight.
Both of you really need to remain selfless and put your child first, your relationship second and yourself last. It really does have to be that way if you want to remain in a relationship, which you know is better for all if it can work out.
You need to try change your approach about how to get him to do child care, and whilst it is hard for you, try and find out what his problems and worries are. You both are going through huge changes in your life and I bet he has all sorts of stuff going on in his head that he hasn't been able to talk to you about.
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