A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidI just got married and already feel like my marriage is failing, to be precise nothing changed i.e we were living together even before marriage so it's the same. But my husband emotional support is almost none to these days Most of the things he say just to hurt me, he fights dirty, he speaks as if he hates me. We don't sleep much together these days, i feel like I'm being used just for sex and cooking and helping him with mortgagee. I really waant tl talk to him about this, but everything o day he ends up taking it offensive and fighting with me. We both work full time job, i come up home, cook and clean , he comes home plays games or does things he want to do and even if I ask him to do anything hr will say he will do it, but never did . What should I do not, pls help. I feel like I don't love hom most of these days Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2019): Please take the advice of people on this site:
Counselling
divorce
I wish I had these advice, I married in 1991 with man I did not want but he was unstable and took overdose so I married him and we had a son.
Guess what he left when our son was only 1 year old, he never came to see the child and never paid a penny maintenance and declared himself bankrupt, (my main was not being physically there for the child).
This is my story I wish I could turn the clock back and walked away.
I beg you not to start a family till you sort out this marriage. I know you have not mentioned starting a family. But if you ever do please make sure the marriage is stable.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (23 February 2019):
 Do you love him? Does he love you?
As hard as it would have been, you should have cancelled the wedding and sorted these issues out before marriage. It's unlikely that they've only just shown up.
Unfortunately, you only have three options:
1) Marriage Counselling
2) Divorce
3) Accept it for the rest of your life
I would advise them in that order - except I would never advise #3. If he refuses marriage counselling, get individual counselling for yourself to help you find ways to be okay for now, then work on #2. If he loves you, he will agree to #1. If he doesn't, you either accept it or put your happiness first and divorce him.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (21 February 2019):
 Well, there is nothing much you can do now.. you married the guy.
So, you're stuck with either marriage counseling or divorce. You take your pick.
I wonder why you both got married when there is no love, no sparks, argue all the time.. WHY MARRY?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): You married at a proper and mature age; and should have some experience at discerning personalities, or at least some selective judgement when it comes to figuring-out human nature.
It is so very hard to approach these kinds of posts without seeming harsh or insensitive. Once you're married, the option to leave isn't an easy one. Please don't feel I'm kicking you while you're down. That's not my style. I fully empathize with you. I'm sensing one or both of you come from another culture; but you're now American. He seems quite inflexible and far too stubborn in his ways; as if that is totally acceptable. He has no respect for you as his wife, or as a woman.
You, and far too many women who write to DC, come to complain about men you've chosen to remain with. Hoping time, a baby, love, or marriage will change the worst attributes you know about these men. Your parents, your friends, and siblings usually try to warn you, but to no avail.
The common-thread that runs through all these types of posts is that most frequently used excuse..."but I love him." Followed by "he wasn't always like this!" There's always some clue. ALWAYS!!! A good-man doesn't just turn bad as soon as he says "I do!" The devil was always in him!
"But I love him" dismisses everything bad about the man. It overrides any common-sense. It only represents the desperation of wanting to have a man so badly; you'll put-up with just about anything to keep him. With the foolish notion somehow you'll change him. That happens only in the movies! Even worse, is the sexist idea that all men are alike! We're all cut from the same fabric. NOT TRUE!
You love him in spite of his tremendous faults and bad-character. No amount of warning, alarms, or advice can penetrate that well-known disclaimer. "But I love him!"
You lived together and had a preview of what life with him would be like. You had more than enough opportunity to decide this guy would make a horrible husband. I have to agree with Code Warrior about the intent that you could ever believe you have any right or power to change anyone. The idea of a wedding and a husband becomes a mission; while trying to beat the biological clock. So all caution is thrown to the wind. Fear the window of opportunity might close; and you foresee no other options or few prospects.
As you've unfortunately discovered; marriage is not the bridge you want to cross, before you figure-out what to do about his worst character-traits. That should have been among the deal-breakers and red-flags considered before accepting his marriage proposal. He married you because he needed a cook, maid, occasional sex-partner, and a second-income. He felt he could just shutdown and block everything else. He already knew he could control, subdue, and intimidate you. Just close himself off when you go outside your wifely-duties. Seems like the classic narcissist.
You probably won't get him into marriage counseling. He has made it clear he won't discuss anything, or compromise; things are fine, and that is that!
You're married now! You can't just pack and leave, and he knows that. He also knows from previous practice and experience he can just put-up a shield; and there's nothing you can do about it. You won't leave because...but you love him!
Advice will vary from one uncle or aunt to the next. One thing that most will agree upon; and that is, you may have little choice but to divorce him. He's one of those types of men who uses his masculinity like a security wall. You can't get through it, and he doesn't care about your feelings; because he thinks you're just being a nagging female. He expects you to just give-up in frustration, and fall in-line. Just as it has always been.
I never believe women when they try to convince us these men weren't always like this. I'm a man, and I'm not naive about these things.
You either assume your role as an obedient and submissive wife; or you get yourself out of that awful marriage. You had every chance to avoid this mess; before you intertwined your credit and income. He will not change unless he wants to. When and how? Nobody knows.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2019):
 Why did you think things would change JUST because you married each other?
That isn't realistic.
But that is also hindsight, I suppose.
So what do you do? Well, you can decide if this is working for you or not. The relationship was not working well BEFORE marriage and even less now AFTER marriage. Maybe... he and you just AREN'T a good fit.
I don't think marriage counseling will fix this. AT all.
To be honest, I'd cut my losses and get out of there ASAP.
I'd rather be single and on my own than in a marriage where I'm not appreciated, cared for, loved and an equal.
You aren't his equal in his eyes, you are the work horse, at home and to help bring in more money.
While you COULD try and STOP doing SHIT for him at home. Don't do his laundry, don't pick up after him and see what happens... See if he picks up the slack. I don't think he will though. It kind of sounds like he is having regrets here but is waiting for you to get to unhappy YOU will leave.
Is it WORTH it? Is this how you see you life from now on?
If not? get out, divorce the man and focus on you. The divorce will be cheap as you can probably file it online as you share no kids or assets together.
Also IF you decide to leave... make sure you name is OFF all bills pertaining to his house (if they are on there) and that your finances are SEPARATE before you leave. Make sure you have ALL YOUR personal papers from Birth certificate, marriage certificate to tax returns, W2's etc.
If you feel MOST DAYS that you don't love him or FEEL loved... what's the point?
For the most part, I'm ALL for making a marriage or relationship work, IF there is a sold foundation to build on... DO you have that or not?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): Some people change after marriage but this is pretty extreme... were there no signs at all of his personality before you got married (for example, did he akways play video games and not help out as much with household chores?). If you think he did none of this before, then he’s become a drastically different person. I think sometimes people also start to get complacent and take the other person for granted in marriage, but this usually might happen later on after some years. So again, this is unusual. Anyway, knowing why he changed might be helpful so you can figure out if maybe he needs help...you can ask him directly what is going on. Whether he wants to be married, whether he’s happy married. Or else, In other ways if you can’t figure out what’s happened, then at least be practical going forward. If you want to keep moving forward, have a talk with him and go over expectations and practical ground rules. Regarding the home: have chores split up. Make a physical list of you need to (and if he’s supposed to do something and he doesn’t, do not do it for him, let it pile up). Set ground rules on fighting: no attacking or accusing. The intimacy is also something you need to talk about but that’s going to need more than just a talk about ground rules of course. I think this is where you do have to figure out what’s going on on his end.. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): What is your love language? What is his love language? You should look these five up and see where yours and his is.Miscommunication and wrong communications can suck.Set the example when talking with him, always ask yourself is this building up or tearing down. Most people don’t see how they come across. So it’s always easier to project the other person is the problem versus seeing the truth lies in both people. Also what about his childhood. Is it possible this how he seen his parents communicate? We train others how to treat us, in a sense.It’s okay to set a good healthy boundaries just communicate them in a loving way. I would be careful how to communicate your feelings to him because you don’t wanna come across as your attacking him. So if it was me this is what I would do. 1. Go out and by a dry erase board put up a list of three things for you and him. Two easy and one hard. Build little by little.Tell him the board is for you and him. Never erase just cross out.Leave room to add - place it where everyone will see.When he accomplish one stroke his ego. Give him praise.Let’s say your list of 20 is lined across and 0 on his part. Warm heartedly show him. Say why is it this way versus two halves working together?Don’t say anything more- see if he picks up his side.2. When speaking to each other ask yourself is this tearing down or building up. Listen, you can’t change him but you can change you.Maybe seeing you do this will teach him.Change your response. Old patterns kick to the curb tomorrow start afresh.If he starts being a negative Nancy walk away. Every time walk away.Train him how to treat you. Get the book five love languages or relationship dare books work together.3. Go get counseling just you.Figure out you. - work on you4. Both get marriage counseling- if he is open to it - if he is closed off to the idea - use all the work books you both can do.Life is short, I am not saying try for two weeks than quite. I am telling marriage is a commitment. It’s like when you have kids they drive you bat shit crazy but you love them anyways.Marriage is the same when it’s equal two halves giving their best.If you are only putting in to your marriage you will get burned out because your always putting in and nothing is coming into you. Set a limit like one 1yr. Start all of these changes if it doesn’t work, well after a year you know it’s not going to work. However a year is enough to see growth and change.
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