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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I cant believe im in this situation right now and im so hurt and upset and confused. can someone please tell me what do here?! Ive only ever had one boyfriend, we dated almost two years, he broke my heart and walked away. since the break up i worked on myself, tried to put all the pieces back together again. i didnt do any rebounding or anything like that, i knew i wasnt ready yet. so recently after taking time for myself i decided to try dating again, to not let my ex make me feel like all men were cowards and jerks. i started talking to this guy online about a month ago, met him on a support group for local singles who just wanted to meet the right person and what not. we started talking alot, emails, texts, aim, and he would also call me. we had the best conversations about everything and i was starting to fall for him but we decided to take things slow, he is supposed to come visit me this wednesday, he asked me out on our first date. everything was going great, he would always be the first to initiate contact. he went out of town on what he told me was business this weekend. last night i get a phone call from another girl, yelling at me accusing me of having an affair with her HUSBAND. im in complete shock. i asked him so many times if he was single, he said he was never married and his last relationship ended in february because 'they grew up grew apart and some other things happened which i will fill you in on when i see you in person'. i would NEVER go after a married man, ever. when i asked his wife she said they have been married for 5 years, hes 24 so since he was about 19. she says she isnt willing to give up on their marriage, theyve had problems for a long time. when i asked if they were separated, maybe thats why he thought it was ok to date me, she hesitated in answering me but eventually said no they were still living together. i called him and told him i needed to talk to him, to hear the truth from him, his phone is off. he gets back monday night so if hes going to call it will be then. so im sitting here wondering what the hell is going on here? and when i talk to him, what do i say? im so hurt that he led me on like that and was willing to get me involved in an affair without realizing it, because technically he emotionally cheated on her with me because of all the things he would tell me. idk the impression i got is that they have been separated, he alluded previously to the fact that his "ex" had cheated on him and really hurt him so im thinking, best case scenerio they were separated but she wants him back. i really dont know what to think, im still in shock.----------[Mod note: Thank you for writing to Dear Cupid. However, we would greatly appreciate it if in the future, you would write your posting in shorter paragraphs so that it would more reader friendly - as we have done this for you this time. Hopefully, this would invite more aunts to give you the advice you need]
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your responses, they really helped in calming me down and gave me the perspective i needed.He called me the night he came home, confessed to everything. He said they got married too young and he realized too late that he didnt love her enough to want that commitment. They had been having problems for a long time and he was so distant, he picked up an extra job just so he wouldnt have to be home. He apologized for putting me in this situation, he said he thought he would just talk to me because he missed having someone to talk to that understood him but he wasnt expecting to develop feelings for me. They sat down together and agreed on getting a divorce. The paper work is starting this week and she moved out of the house over the weekend. She said she realized she didnt love him the same way anymore either and she wants to go back to school and not worry about taking care of him all the time.I gave him an earful for about an hour, he knows how upset and hurt I am. I told him any chance we had at making things work is gone because I cant trust him. If he could do that to his wife he can certainly do that to me. He begged for a second chance, said he doesnt want me to cut him out of my life. That he just wants to prove to me that he is a good guy who made a huge mistake. I think he's really lost, and part of me does feel bad for him, just because I think he he was faced with admitting his marriage failed and he couldnt deal with it, so instead he screwed it even more up for himself and everyone involved.He emailed, texted, and called me today to apologize. I told him I do believe in second chances, but he's going to have to go through hell and back to prove to me I can trust him as a friend. He said he wants to be fair to me, to not drag me down with him any further than he already has so hes going to take some time to figure out what he wants out of life and what he needs to do to get his life back together. Part of me still thinks he's despicable for what he did to me and his wife, but the other part of me understands that alot of this issue has to deal with him not knowing how to cope with his problems or dealing with himself.Everything else he told me about himself was true, his wife confirmed it so the rest of our relationship wasnt a lie. I still have feelings for him, but I know that right now is not the best time for us if ever again. I refuse to even think about dating him until he is legally divorced, and even further I cant think of trusting him as a boyfriend before I can trust him as friend. that might take years or it might never happen, Im not sure. So Im wondering, should I give him space to figure himself out and when this whole thing is over and we are both at a better place in our lives, give him another chance? Do you guys think he is capable of really turning over a new leaf? or is he just sorry because he got caught?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): I would steer well clear of this guy. Usually spending time emailing would invite each person to open up and be honest. Its amazing how open you can be when you email someone, don't you think?? He obviously kept things from you. Do really really think he is trust worthy? You say best case they are not a couple and she just wants him back. How'd she find out about you if they're not sharing a house? How'd she get your number? Get real and dump him.
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