A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that three years ago my husband had an affair with a good friend of mine at the time. Back when it happened I had intercepted text messages between the two and confronted him about it at that point. He had admittedly said it was just texts and there was no physical relationship at all and I chose to believe him. We are high school sweethearts and have stayed together through college and married young at 23, had our first son two years later. The affair happened around the time my son was 8 months old. My gut has told me all this time that something else wasn't right, that something else happened. It has started many arguments between the two of us however he had again denied denied denied. As of this week after having a really bad argument. He finally broke down and told me that yes he did in fact have an affair and that it lasted 3 months and it was physical. He swears however they did not sleep together. At this point I am struggling with so many emotions and thoughts and having been with him now 13 years I look back and realize how much he has changed since he's kept this secret and how much I've missed who he really is. Has anyone else ever dealt with a similar situation and if so did you end up staying and if not how did your feeling heal afterwards....I'm so lost.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 June 2011):
 He finally broke down and told me that yes he did in fact have an affair and that it lasted 3 months and it was physical. He swears however they did not sleep together.
Did he tell you WHAT got physical?
Was this just an emotional affair?
The reason I bring it up, because you might both be on two seperate understanding regarding what makes a cheater.
Discuss your differences in counseling.
Yes, I have been there. We went into marriage counseling and all the details came out. No, it did not fix our relationship, but I would rather live in truth than ignorance.
Best Wishes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): I was married for 9 years when my wife had an affair, we had 4 children, the youngest was only a bit less than 2 years old when it happened.
She denied anything awry when I confronted her about something unusual and asked her "what is going on". She had been acting unusual at the time, ignoring me for weeks, and then some other things feel into place when one of the kids mentioned a guy had been at the house. She denied any relationship other than "just friends", but she yelled at me, accused me of not trusting her, and I felt like a total asswipe for being suspicious.
Things got really bad, so bad between us that it became intolerable with her being out of control yelling at me and stressed out like crazy (she had broken off the affair, which lasted only a few weeks, he didn't want to end things and things got ugly between them at the end and he raped her).
We ended up going to counseling because of the anger and craziness. I felt lousy because I had suspected my faithful loving wife of anything so terrible. Then, she lied in counseling, and proceeded to lie for years about this. Our sex life was shit most of the time, I thought I wasn't loved, it got so bad I almost left, but most of the relationship was great.
I finally, after 9 years of trying, pushed her to talk to me, and kept pushing, because it was either tell me what was wrong or I find another place to sleep at night, she denied anything was wrong, denied any problems, it was all in my head. Finally, we went to counseling again, I initially refused because I knew that she wasn't telling me something.
She lied to the counselor, and me, and lied again and again and again. Till we had been in counseling for 7 months. Then she told me the truth, there had been an affair, she had been raped twice (she denied this when I asked her, because she had been acting like a rape victim around sex), he had threatened to rape her when she had the kids with her one day and they met up and she wouldn't give him sex and probably would have but there were houses nearby and any screams would have brought the police. She'd been afraid to tell me anything. But, there was more. She'd been raped multiple times in her life before. She'd been sexually abused as a child. She'd been drinking in secret for years, and using an illicit drug, just to get by. She couldn't tell me anything. She'd had over 200 sexual partners before we met. She was afraid I'd find out from family what had happened. She was afraid I'd leave her if I knew the past (before the affair). She thought I was tricked into marrying her. She thought I was to good for her. She thought she was shit, and had since she was abused as a child. She thought.... The list went on, and on, and on.
She was the most loving person I'd ever met, except when she interacted with me, and I was surprised at a lot of what she told me (but not the sexual partner history as I'd suspected this because of her sexual issues and I'd suspected the rapes).
I read like crazy.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-ACOA-Sourcebook-Children-Alcoholics/dp/1558749608
I go to AA with her.
I love her.
I sleep by her.
We have sex.
She has orgasms for the first time in her life with anyone.
She brings me flowers every week and puts them in my office.
I wish it had been easier on both of us, but it wasn't.
I still go to counseling every other week, and she talks and we talk, and I talk. It takes years because of the severity of the situation.
My kids have the most wonderful mother you could hope for.
I have the most wonderful wife I could hope for.
Read, it will help you even if he leaves.
...............................
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