A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now and we are very much in love. we have our ups and downs like most relationships but we have gotten through bad moments and are enjoying time together. we've recently been away and had the most amazing time. i came home and found out from my friend (whos also friends with his ex) that a few years ago he had a threesome with a girl and another guy...i know it was aggges ago and is nothing to do with me and with being so close. i rang him and asked him about it (thinking it wasnt true) but he admitted it and said i shouldnt ask as its nothing to do with me... i feel so let down that he never told me (we've had convos about things like this before) and it upsets me that he must have told his ex (who he hates now) so why cant he tell me. but also... i hate myself for it because im not homosexual at all.... but im really finding it hard to come to terms with the fact he was with another guy... even though he said nothing happend with him and the guy, they just had the girl. i only found out literally two hours ago and we havent spoken since, but i really dont know what to say. im so shocked and upset. im confused and worried. what should i do? please help? and please dont think im narrow minded and against threesomes, im just shocked because it someone so close to me who i thought i knew and trusted...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): It's in the past so try and leave it. He probably didn't want to upset you and it is probably not relevant to the two of you now, years later.
A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (29 April 2009):
 It is entirely possible that your boyfriend's threesome was just the two guys having at the girl, as he told you. There indeed may have been no contact between the guys. Forty seven years ago, I also shared a gal with a friend in a tryst of taking-turns with her, which was what she wanted. It was not one of proudest moments, nor anything that I've volunteered unless asked, but it did no harm in my mind. I'm impressed that he admitted the episode to you when asked, and I think that you should appreciate his honesty. I'm much older now, but we most all experiment in youth. You are now experimenting outside traditional mores (social rules) yourself, so consider that - and do not let a years-ago bit of youthful indiscretion ruin an otherwise good relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): I can understand that you're shocked, but I can understand him not wanting to tell you for a variety of different reasons. Don't we all have things in our lives that we're not proud of and just want to forget? I have been in a relationship for two years and there are a few things that I haven't told him and truthfully I don't ever want to tell him. I just don't want to relive any of it, I want to forget it and don't think it's essential that he knows, just are some things about him that I probably don't need to know. Who said that when you're in a relationship you have to tell everything that's ever happened to you? I think your boyfriend probably feels the same as me and now he's probably worried that you are upset with him and might want to end things. That's how I'd feel.
I hope that doesn't sound like I'm disagreeing with you for feeling the way you do. I'm sure it's upsetting and I'm sorry. I just wanted to explain how he probably feels.
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A
female
reader, RaeMay +, writes (29 April 2009):
 if you guys have been together for 9 months you should just put it in the past. tell him how you feel about it. the reason he may have told his ex about it and not you is because maybe the reaction she gave him about it. and he didn't want you to react the same way. being that he didn't deny it means that he doesn't mind you knowing. and that he might just have wanted you to find out later. or he was scared to tell you himself...
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (29 April 2009):
 Well try not to let it wreck your feelings for him. I've been with my man for 5 years and I am still learning little things about his past experiences. I can't say that I haven't experienced similar shock but I some things are hard to disclose about our past. If you love him, you must accept that he had chapters before you as he learned about life. It doesn't mean he'd do it again. For me, I just needed time to digest things and I suspect there are still a few secrets he has yet to tell me. Hang in there.
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A
female
reader, niki20 +, writes (29 April 2009):
 nobody wants to admit any sexual activities w/ their new catch. he didnt want you to be questioning. there is nothing to worry about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): You have only been with him for 9 months. Do you expect that he should tell you every intricate detail about his life and past experience all within this limited time you have been together with him?
Many people are prone to react on past deeds as if it happened momentarily. Unfortunately, that is one of the biggest problems people face in terms of wiping oneself of this sort of unnecessary ego.
These sort of reactions causes rifts in current relationships. it causes further crevices to open up and attack the person in the now, for an activity that has nothing to do with the moment. An experience is simply just that - an experience.
If you had come here, feeling dejected for having your lover cheat on you or even suggest a threesome, then that would be a different situation.
Ultimately, if you cannot let go of his past experiences or the fact that you had not known until now, then you may find that you are setting others on a very high personal standard. When it comes down to relationships of any kind, it's about the connection and the flow of that connection and not about the connections that no longer exists today.
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