A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 43 and people tell me that I am still really pretty, even beautiful, and look much younger. My problem is that I never had much confidence at all in my looks or in myself - I had an incredibly strict upbringing where 'selflessness' was ingrained into me - and I've consequently only had two major relationships - a very early marriage and then a very long term relationship - and only a couple of 'encounters' that left me feeling very down. I just do not enjoy casual relationships at all, although I don't mind flirting. Now I am looking for a new relationship I feel like I will be judged because it seems that everyone around me has had loads of relationships and no problem at all with one-night stands and so on. What gets to me is that because I'm attractive and I'm a single parent, people seem to assume that I've had loads of relationships when I was younger. Today, for example, I was chatting with a colleague who is very happily married with two young sons, but I was totally taken aback when she said that she had a bit of a reputation for being a 'slapper' when she was young - she is so well spoken and middle class that it was the last thing I expected her to say - it's not that I'm judging her at all, I don't have a problem with other people doing whatever they like, but I feel like such a prude in comparison - yet don't feel like I want to change anything - I just don't want to go and have sex with strangers and so on. I had my daughter when I was only 20 and spent my 20's and 30's very isolated and at times very frustrated that I could not do all the things that people my age were doing...I just feel that someone of my age should have loads more experience and it's making me lose what little confidence I was gaining. Is this weird?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 June 2012):
 We have so much pressure put upon us these days to be this and that, to achieve more, have more, do more...and it becomes suffocating.
You are who you are, and if you feel in your heart that you have not had enough experiences in certain areas then you are free to seek them out but at your own pace and in your own time. If you choose to not seek them out or to try but then change your mind, this is ok...nobody can tell you otherwise.
Sometimes what we want and what we wish for are two completely different things...it's not wrong or right...it just is.
None of us have the master plan to a happy life, we just do what we think is right at the time and hope that good times come.
You don't have to have sex with stangers, or do anything you don't want to do, just focus on the happy things in your life and enjoy each day as it comes.
Multiple relationships and sexual conquests are over rated, believe me, I know.
Keep your chin up and embrace the day xxxx
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 June 2012):
 There are always should bes when you don't feel assertive yourself. Your upbringing made you put others above yourself.
People will express a variety of opinions but at the end your opinion counts the most.
A mother should be domestic and be content at home. A woman should be liberated and be open about sexual desires. A young woman should have lots of sex in college to get it out of the system. A married woman should make her husband feel like he is king in bed. A mid aged woman should have more experience. A woman should not have too many partners in life. A woman should be a lover, a friend, a mother, and everything time allows.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be single until your children are independent enough to be left alone. Sending children away to babysitters while you have this serendipity affair, then lying to your children about what you are doing, just does not make sense to me. I feel bad too even if it's a decent date.
You should throw out all the shoulds and be happy that this is the life path you choose and your background made you who you are. Just the mindset that you hope you are something you are not makes you focus on people pleasing instead of looking out for what you like in a partner.
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