A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok this is complicated and I'm sure will sound silly to a lot of people.I met this guy about 3 years ago when I was still living with my kid's dad. I didn't love my kid's dad and I was planning on breaking up with him so meeting this other guy just gave me the extra courage to do so. I was with my kid's dad for 8 years from 16-24. He turned into an alcoholic and didn't wanna do the things he should do for the kids and I couldn't stand to be around him anymore. Anyways when I met this other guy, he wasnt local, he happened to be in town on vacation and we just immediately clicked and were so drawn to each other. So we continued a long distance relationship and at the time I was vulnerable and he seemed to have all the characteristics of a guy that I always wanted but never thought existed. We fell hard for each other but I warned him that I had a lot of baggage. He was so sweet and said how he he wanted to be there and he would never be the person that walks out on me and that I couldn't trust. He made so many promises and plans and assured me all the time that he loved me so much and I could tell at some point he was genuine. Well after a while he started asking me weird details about my ex and my past and I would vent and cry and well he assured me I could trust him I opened up to him eventually. But the more he knew(he asked)he would throw it all in my face and twist things around to be something they are not. The emotional abuse started getting worse and worse but I have never been able to let go of the way he use to make me feel. I am a single mom of 3 and I dont have any family and only one good friend that is busy alot of the time cause shes engaged and just had a baby. Well 3 years later he is hateful and he never comes to see me anymore. I'm very heartbroken because he throws my past in my face all the time and can't get over my ex even though he isnt in my life anymore. He intentionally hurts me and tells me how Im disgusting and he wants nothing to do with me but then a few days later he will call or text me acting like things are fine and I of course give into him because I love him so much. I feel like I'm psychotic and stupid because I know what he's doing is wrong and he wants to hurt me but I can't let him go. I can't see him not in my life but I know its not possible for him to be in it because of how he treats me. He tells me that he doesnt want me that he hates me and I'm nasty and says just outrageously hurtful things. But I can't stop loving him even though I want to so bad! What can I do? When I ignore him I start to feel really lonely and scared and I get depressed but I have no one to talk to about it. I cant go to counseling because I have no one to watch my kids and couldn't afford it anyways. I'm sick of feeling so emotionally out of wack. I know that its not all his fault because I did lie about things because he had a problem feeling special and I even thought I knew he was and that I was so in love with him he couldnt accept it. HE was always competing and comparing things to my ex when there was no comparison. I started to be rude back because I was so hurt which I know is not right but to know that I love someone as much as I do him and have him say things to me that are so mean I wouldnt say them to my worst enemy. I wanna know how I can move on and accept that he can't be in my life positively and what we had was just wishful thinking and isn't ever gonna be reality. I don't want my kids to see me crying over him and to see me depressed. he will text me out of nowhere and calling me names and then will disappear for a couple days then repeat it. Any help will be so appreciated, I just feel so alone and don't know how to move forward. Thanks ahead of time to any replies I get.
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alcoholic, depressed, emotionally abusive, engaged, heartbroken, long distance, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 This guy sounds like a phycopath, i feel so sorry for you, you poor girl having to deal with all of this its awful. Ok first of i no its hard believe me but you have to change your phone number and delete his number and severe all ways off him contacting you, because he is just going to depress you even more, if you feel like you cant do it just think of your three lovely children and that they need a mother that is happy. Once you have cut contact it is natural to feel lonely but when those feelings kick in do something that makes you feel good it can be something so simple as going for a walk or a swim, also arrange fun days out with your children, if you have no money even the park will do family days out will take your mind of things. And when your friend has a free night ask her over and you can have her as a shoulder to cry on in tough times. Maybe her fiancee could baby sit for you some night and let the both of you go on a night out or maybe to the cinema, after a few months at the most you will feel so much better and it will all be worth it when your children look at you and smile and you can smile back and actually feel happy instead of faking it, because believe me children are smart and they can tell when something is wrong even when you try your hardest to hide it from them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Dear "I feel so alone"....My gosh! I read your story and I know the way he is treating you are classic signs of ABUSE! I know because I went through the same thing with my husband. Abusers typically get very close to you during the first part of a relationship. They find out very close, intimate details about your life, and you tell them because you feel you love and trust them. After a while, they not only throw it in your face but, they eventually go to all your friends and tell them the personal information you shared with him trying to convince them that you are a basket case and crazy. My husband would literally sit beside me at a table when we were amongst a bunch of friends, and when he seen I was having a good time, he would calmly compare me to his ex girlfriends and say nasty things to me all while maintaining a calm undertone. I would finally get upset and get mad at him, maybe yell at him and start to cry....he would then turn to all our friends and say "look she's a freaking nut job! Did you hear me start a fight and yell at her?" Alot of our friends did begin to think I had lost my mind but, they never heard a word he said because he would belittle me as if he was carrying on casual conversation with me. It was maddening. With the constant comparisons to his ex girlfriends, I naturally began to question my beauty and became jealous. He too used that against me with all his friends saying I was a jealous freak who wouldn't let him have galpals. He began to be cold and calous with me all the time later in our marriage. When I would empathetically ask him what was the matter, he would start throwing allegations at me in a rude tone and scream at me....I would then in turn become defensive and get angry back, he would say I started the fight and leave for the night. I stopped asking him when he was snarly at me what was wrong because I didn't want him to leave. I had five and a half years of wedded hell!! When he couldn't find an excuse to start a fight with me and leave, he became physically abusive....the first time he layed his hands on me, was the last time we ever spent time together in our house or even saw each other. The cops took him away in cuffs and I stayed in the house until our separation agreement was signed almost a year later. I later found out that my husband was having extramarital affairs throughout our ENTIRE MARRIAGE! He was raised in a catholic home and had a good job. When I met him, I thought I had a catch boy o' boy....hell, was I wrong!! I had suspicions because of his behaviour but, love is blind, and I didn't want to believe he was. I wouldn't ask him because I didn't want to know the truth. I thought my love and sincereity would save our marriage and he would eventually see that I was his one and only and leave the other girls behind....No way, they boosted his ego and he had no emotional commitment to them. He was unfamiliar with any emotion except anger.
I am going to be brutally honest with you, the abuse has just started....classic! I went through the same thing and it started very early into our courtship. It does not get any better, it gets very much worse....sometimes to the point where the man murders the woman. You must cut your ties with this man and get out while you still have your sanity. I gotta tell ya, he had me almost convinced that I was worthless and going crazy. Everything according to him was my fault, even down to his sleeping around on me. I was faithful and honest to my husband the entire marriage. I bent over backwards trying to make/keep him happy, make him love only me but, it seems the more I did, the angrier he became. It was like he absolutely hated me... When I was happy, he would find a way to make me sad, when I was sad, he would find an excuse to fight with me and leave. Very sad life indeed :( We separated 5 years ago and I have learned a tremedous amount about the abusive man and infidelity. My eyes are wide open now. I was very naive back then...innocent really.
I suggest an excellent book for you to read called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It help you to grasp the motives of his controlling, angry behaviour. It has helped me out emensely and has truly opened my eyes into being the wiser and recognising the signs of an abusive man from the minute I meet them! You can get the soft cover version at Chapters for about $20 (Can) It was worth twenty bucks to spare my sanity!!
Good luck, stay strong. Remember, you are better than that. Quite often, they are jealous of you and your self confidence (they are very insecure) and they will try and "bring you down a peg" as my husband used to say to me. Misery loves company. They are miserable with themselves and will often prey on the vunerable....and they love to see you hurt, they know then, that they are making progress. It doesn't get better, trust me, it gets way worse!!!
Prayers to you
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