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female
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anonymous
writes: Howdy. I have been so confused about my relationships for so long. I was going out with Ash since I was 18, I'm now 30. We went out for six years. Then I went overseas and met David and started seeing both guys at the same time for 6 months, secretly. Dreadful. Ash at home found out and then it was all out in the open. I then went back home and broke it off with David and started going out with Ash again and we moved in together. I still kept in contact with David overseas. At home the relationship with Ash really started to break down. He drank a lot and never seemed to be there. But then I felt this was because I was untrustworthy whilst overseas. Anyway I had to break up with Ash because living together was so dysfunctional. I am now overseas again and am seeing David again! I don't know if it's love or if it's safety and comfort or what it is. Sometimes I feel really in love and other times I feel nothing. It's so different to how I felt with Ash. I really felt so deeply in love. It was painful at times but I felt I couldn't live without him. This confusion between Ash and David has now being going on for years and is ridiculous. I flip back and forth thinking about each person. Ash and I were so dysfunctional but I loved him so deeply. David is a very together person, very caring and so there for me. I feel I loved Ash more and still do. Ash now has a new girlfriend and they're living together. I think about him every day and I feel kind of down all the time because of it. Gosh am I harping back to the past? Was it real love? Maybe he was the one and I threw it away? Do I love who I'm with now? This is crazy! Any advice would be helpful.
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 Maybe the only way to find out is to be without either of them for a while. Then you can see if you miss them out of habit or necessity or desire or even love. This may mean you lose both in the end, but I think this has gone on for so long it's hard to know what's going on. It sounds like a case of better the devil you know but as Ash has someone else and that makes you unhappy, tha doesn't mean you should settle for David. You may be jealous, you may feel rejected, you may well love him and be hurting but I think you'd feel that whichever way round the situation is. It's fair on all involved for you to step away and spend some much needed time on your own.
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