A
female
age
36-40,
*s1
writes:I am having trouble deciding what to do in my current relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We have been having trouble (miserable around each other) and I moved out of his place into my mother's. He wants to settle down and start a family, but can't even keep up with the dishes or the cat litter. I am not ready for a family, especially with someone I don't trust will do his share of the responsibility. He loves me so much and says he will kill himself if he loses me. I just want to be happy, but I feel like we are not functional people when we are together. I still don't know if I love him any more than a deep affection (like a best friend?) Some advice please?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): It was a huge mistake, dear and I'm not trying to make you feel bad but you are playing the role of 'rescuer' here. The only way out of this unhealthy dynamic you are involved in, is to detach and say no to him. You are in the caregiver role and you ability to say 'no' to him is just as important as saying 'yes'...do you see the difference? He needs to learn that you will set boundaries and not run everytime he feels pain. He was the other half of this relationship and he's half responsible for his role in causing the problem that made the relationship break up. It always, always take two people to do that. The problem is...you are taking the full load of responsibility on your shoulders, Stop doing that. Being able to say no to him whenever he wants you to come to him, gives you the space and restores the seperateness you need. You need to explore why you feel this false sense of guilt, over leaving him.
False guilt is insidious and so many women do this. What they do is they self sabotage their own life. I don't care what you call it, but any man who threatens suicide, because you left him is abusing you. So stop with the misplaced guilt. This results in severe low self esteem, issues within you. Do not be a woman who accepts very little in her life and relationship. Because when a good thing such as a new healthy relationship comes along, you will not feel they are worthy of them. As long as you aren't able to say No to this guy, you caretake, you will always be his emotional crutch and you will never be able to establish a new beginning for yourself in life. Just something to think on.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 You have to decide if you can find happiness in that relationship. You should not be influenced by his actions.
Maybe, you need to be separated for a time to give you a better view and then decide. Lest you become too hasty and did not think hard enough.
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A
female
reader, as1 +, writes (7 February 2008):
as1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who responded-I got some great advice. I have been living at my mom's now for a week and a half, but yesterday I had to stop and get my blank checks (not everything is moved out of his apt bc he says he can't see me-it hurts too much). After I left, he called me and was SOBBING on the phone over losing me and it broke my heart to hear. I went and spent the night with him. I don't know if this was a mistake-should I try one more time or should I try try try to ignore his pain and move on-I don't get any tingly belly or fireworks with him-am I just expecting a fantasy or is there someone out there who will do that for me?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (3 February 2008):
You are more matured than him and you need to call a time out on your relationship to assess your situation from the outside. If you still love him , you can try to make changes in your relationship . If however , you find that he is lacking, you need to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): Gosh, sounds like you have both danced this same waltz for a long, long time. Relationship run into snags all the time and when challenges and problems happen, people do exactly what you did. You take the option of fclearing your head and inding your own space to think things through. He needs to understand that. But he's not, is he? What deeply concerns me is he's threatening to kill himself if he loses you. That is a sign of bigger problems, within him. And if you think he loves you in a healthy way and is acting this way...think again? All he is thinking of is causing you pain and alarm..to get you back where he wants you. It's a form of control and that alone is the most unloving, self-involved behavior one can do to another. You need to tell him to stop manipulating you through fear, obligation and guilt. Call him out, on his behaviours. You could say to him "I will not be subjected to your emotional blackmail any longer-that is manipulation, control. and if you loved me, then you wouldn't be doing this. You have a problem. I can't prevent what you might do. It won't be my fault and and I refuse to take responsibility for what you do to yourself. I'm sorry that you feel so much pain that you think this is the only viable option. Would you like some professional help?" Have the phone number of a family counselling service ready for him and give him the number. Then call his family so someone can be aware of what he has threatened. to do. His decision his actions...his problem. You need to be strong here.
But as for you..you cannot be his caregiver...his emotional crutch. I know he's hurting but so are you. And you don't want to start a life and a family with a man who controls like this. He is not well. I would even go so far as stating that he is a guy who hads entitled, immature view of relationships. He doesn't know how to be generous and give back to you what you need to make this relationship fly, in the healthy sense. He needs to grow up, becaome a more responsible man, stop feeling like someone else will take care of him and start showing his own strength and fortitude as a healthy man. Tell him, there will be no relationship until he helps himself, because you want a happy life and you deserve a healthier man. You won't get it with this guy, not the way he is now...plain and simple. I hope he can grow up and make some changes. If not, get on with life and makes your own life the best it can be...all on your own. That type of strength and perseverence is what a healthy, good man will take note about you someday. Take Care and hang in there
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A
female
reader, onlinecounsellor_Dale  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 HiSomehow I suspect you already know what you need to do for yourself and your future. Perhaps moving out of your boyfriends was an important first step in creating some distance and regaining some perspective?I think you show a lot of insight into your relationship dynamic and your boyfriend's current inability to manage adult life - ignore this insight at your peril!!!!! I get the impression that you may have been 'carrying' your boyfriend (at least emotionally) for some time. No wonder you are no longer happy or enjoying the relationship! Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, care, admiration, and teamwork. They are not based on a parasitic need, or concern about how the other would 'cope' if the relationship was to end.If you do decide to break up, you do not need to be unfeeling about it and/or leave give him a litany of the personal inadequacies which you believe him to possess. You will, however, need to be firm about your decision and how your adherence to it is not dependent on his reaction (i.e. he can 'yell, kick and scream' all he wants, your mind is made up). Your decision is about you and what you want for your life now and in the future.The decision you are facing is not an easy one. I understand that you still care about your boyfriend and are reluctant to hurt him by leaving the relationship. Yet, it sounds like YOU have been hurting while IN the relationship. If your boyfriend makes threats to harm himself in any way, encourage him to seek help. If he refuses and you are genuinely concerned that he will act on his threats (a form of emotional abuse, as well as desperation by the way), then you may need to let someone know such as his parents or close friend. You are not the person that needs to be supporting him with this, even though he may try and engender your responsibility. Ultimately, please remember that you are NOT responsible for another person's happiness. You are, however, responsible for you own personal happiness. Good luck! Dale
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