A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:sorry for the length..need to explain...Im a quieter person at work, I work in a hospital environment. I have no enemies and get along with most of my colleagues, I dont socialise with them as they are all clicky and most are freinds (typical for a hospital setting) but that doesnt bother me, I do my work and usually say say hi, and most of the time I make conversation/small talk and try to be freindly with most of my work collegues, even though most of them are self absorbed and dont ask how i am, that cool.. im there to work, i like my job, they are not the problem.Its my boss - she is slightly younger than me, which is fine, shes good at her job, very busy, (she also has a 10 yr old kid) and is an assertive "i know everything type" whatever.. that doesnt bother me, she socialises with a few of the younger girls outside work sometimes and is very freindly with them, at worlk, laughing and chatting, she hugs them whens she sees them sometimes and generally talks to most of the ppl in my workplaceat least sometimes, regardless of age.(except me and maybe 1 or 2 others.) I have not much in common with her and in the past i have tried.. unsucessfully to make conversation with her, now itshardly ever beyond "hi how are you" . or "have u had a busy day?" i find it hard to talk to her as she gives me nothing back!!i tried recently again but she gave me nothing.she doesnt make any effort to talk to me on a social level even thought she does with most other ppl, we are not enemies ,and she doesnt hate me or want me to leave, we just really dont click socially, there is no bad vibes, its just hard cos she is so chatty with all the others and she and I just dont..connect... we find it hard to talk, she doesnt try to talk socailly with me when alone and would rather sit in silence on the rare occasions when i am alone with her. I get along with most other colleages, can have a laugh occasioanlly and am Ok at my job! what can i do? am i doing something wrong? dont wanna be her best friend!! but it would be nice if she would actually talk to me socially sometimes.I guess its a case of being differnt ppl?please help, need advicethanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): First responder here, you wrote, "what can i do?"
If you're going to play dead and not rock the operating room then things won't change. I disagree with OlderSister. If you want to change how people regard you at work you have to act confidently. You have to have an angle-something about you that will hook other people. Being a wallflower isn't one of them. I say Be Demanding and behave like the person your exclusivist colleagues will be attracted to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): this is the original poster.
Thanks for the advice, esp older sister, you gave good advice, thanks.
i have done nothing to disrespect/undermine my boss and i have NEVER been nasty to her or smirked at her or yelled at her, i wouild NEVER do that, not if i valued my job..
Im a quiet person at work,and I try to do my work,and never argue with her, she "knows everything" and has an answer for everything, its so not worth it.
Shes not threatened by me,im not nasty. There are many other ppl so far ahead of me in line for her her job, not me. I would never want it! god no..
I try to keep the peace, i work with a lot of females - too much female energy.. and women are always clicky, whatever,
I could try to talk more to ppl, but I always get put aside for the popular ones so I talk when ppl want to talk, i dont want to look desparate!
I am never am nasty to ppls faces, im not trying to take my bosses job! im happy with my job, Im just a worker and am not in management, and dont want to be.
I say hi to ppl but u cannot force ppl to include you, they wouldnt think to ask me to join their click,which is fine, they arent the problem. Like older sister said, I would never force my way into their f/ship clicks, being in no click has its advantages i agree, i can say hi to most..
I DO NOT work in a office, we do not have meetings, i work in a hospital, a very different environment. Im a nurse, nurses are very clicky, whatever the age, 24yrs old or 50 yrs old.. quite lot of my colleagues are very young girls 21-27 years old,
Maybe like older sister said i should just try to keep saying hi how are you and ask for advice or feedback about work stuff,let my boss know that i can still talk to her about somethings.
Shes is never going to make an effort with me, yes maybe her social skills are a bit crap, or shes intolerent of quieter ppl,and only wants to talk to the "party girls" or the "loud girls" of the workplace, it cant be all my fault??
i dont want to my my bosses BFF, god no..
thanks.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 December 2009):
It takes time to build a relationship with someone. Since you are the one concerned, try saying a friendly hi to her regularly for a month or so. After that start asking about how important things in her life are going eg. How is your son doing? Does he love sports?? Then when she tells you about his love of baseball, use that as an icebreaker next time "how is your son doing with his baseball"? A perfect icebreaker is also to ask for advice on a non-serious issue that she might know about eg. You brought a lovely cake to the office the other day, how do I prevent mine from flopping OR I can't get rid of weeds in my flowers, do you know what the best way is? You have to realize that it won't happen overnight. You say she's the "I know everything" type.. Do you think you may have given her vibes that indicate that you dont respect her in the past? Or maybe said something to a gossipy do worker? Either way, it is possible to restart your relationship with her. Compliment her on what she does well and do not challenge her either in word (especially to others who may tell her) or deed ( (eg. smirking when given an instruction or criticizing her infront of others). Other than that perhaps you need to also accept that its impossible to be close to everyone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Perhaps, it is your boss that finds it hard to socialize with you because in some way she envies you for your academic accomplishments, technical skills and is afraid that you may take her job since she may regard you as senior to her because of your age or SHE MAY LACK SOCIAL SKILLS HERSELF.
Why don't you try HARD again and from a position of confidence and authority TALK to HER. When you have group meetings change the dynamics and confidently ask questions, state your ideas. Since your boss is a a loss for words when interacting with you take the upper hand and quiz her.
You need to open up and socialize with your mates at work. Since you do not they cannot get to know the real you and regard you as aloof and an outsider. Confidently join in when they get together and JOIN THEM to be part of the clique.
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