A
female
age
30-35,
*quigger
writes:O.k so I am in quite a weird situation which I can't seem to figure out so let me explain my situation so hopefully someone could give me advice ! This is probably really long by the waySo it's been 2 years since me and my ex broke up, I broke up with him first of all and the break up did not end good at all. The day I broke up with him I made the mistake to go back to his place because he wanted to talk things through ( keep in mind I still loved him deeply but I had too end things for good reasons, I'll explain in a bit ). So I went to his place and he was drinking as he usually does and abusing his prescription pills so that he could get a 'better buzz'. Well things got really heated and it broke out into a huge argue ment then things turned physical, I threw the first hit which was so wrong but he said one of the most hurtful things I have ever heard and reacted violently, then things escalated where he tried to keep me captive and did a lot of really tramuatizing things. I defended myself and he was probably just as badly hurt but I was just protecting myself because he said he was going to tie me up and keep me there for days. After fighting for hours , I finally got away and the police were called from his neighbor and the police charged him. I was forced to go to court and testify everything he had done. Took months but the charges ended up getting dropped, sad I know. So all of this happened in the summer of 2009 and the event was so tramuatic that I moved out of the town where I grew up my whole life and moved to the city to start over. I went back to an adult learning program to get my grade 12 in Sept 2009. Even though after running away I continued to think about him everyday, though he hurt me I still loved him like crazy, and I can't seem to figure out why. So now to explain our relationship before the breakup. We met in the summer of 2008, we became good friends and started dating. At the time we both had similar life styles, I was 19 at the time dropped out of high school years before, but he was 29 and was a alcholic for 15 years. We met through the same friends cause we were both partying and doing drugs all the time. I continued to do that lifestyle for a few months but then I decided I wanted more in life so I got a full time job and slowed down the drinking and drugs. He tried to do the same but he couldnt stop taking pills and drinking. Finally he went to rehab in January 2010 and stayed for a couple months. I supported him as much as I could but then he shows up at my door because he got kicked out of rehab for snorting coke. I was angry but continued to be there for him. He finally got his own place but the pills and drinking didn't stop, he stopped getting in trouble but instead he would just sit at home all day getting messed up. In March I got accepted to finish my grade 12 in sept so I quit drinking and drugs all together. Even though Chris did pills and drank all the time he really was a good man, one of the most unforgettable people you could ever meet, when he wasn't messed up we were perfect together and crazy in love, like crazy crazy in love. Being with me he did start changing his lifestyle but not as quickly as I wanted. I was sick of that lifestyle and I wanted to go back to school and get married start a family etc. He wanted to get married and do better for himself but I told him he needed to get clean first. I just kept growing more impatient and just finally gave up on him. I feel guilty at times because I told him I would never give up on him but I got diganosed with bi polar that year and was trying to take care of myself and it was hard trying to be his support system as well. Chris needed a lot of help and I just couldn't do it anymore. So finally in June I broke up with him then that's when all the crazyness went down. I knew that in leaving him I was going to have a better life and I did do all that. I moved to the city went to school had my own place and just focused on my school work. But still I kept thinking about him, everyday and night, I would cry just thinking about how much I missed him. So I am not conceited or anything but I am a good looking women and I am down to earth, kind and guys tell me I am the 'keeper' type and always had tons of guys interested in me. I met tons of successful men who had good jobs and treated me awesome but they weren't Chris. In january 2011 I finished my grade 12 and moved half way across the country to continue my adventure, got to go all around Canada, ended up meeting a guy who for once being with him I didn't think of Chris, so I moved to Alberta to be with him but things continued to repeat itself, I was right back to square one , back to thinking about Chris. I broke up with him because he wasn't Chris. I got accepted into University to take Criminal Justice in September 2011 but my funding got all messed up ( complicated situations ! ) so I was unable to start this year but next year ! So now we are at the present, its September 2011 and I am back in my home town in Nova Scotia to pass time for University to start next year. And since all of this I still think about Chris EVERDAY since we broke up, it's like a weird obsession. I've tried everything to get over him, I moved out of the town where he lived in, started school, starting dating, travelled Canada, going to start University. All my friends and family are so proud of me for changing my life around but why can't I get over him? I know I deserve so much better for my life and from what I heard he is still living the same life style, he is 32 years old and is going to be going to jail for 5 years for selling drugs !! Like I don't want to be with someone like that and I won't, I am going to finish criminal justice, go to law school and be a lawyer. Still I can't get him out of my head to this day, been 2 years ! I'm actually going to a psychologist to help me get over this man, I feel like I am a crazy obsessed women who can't let go of this man who is no good for me. He was my first love so that probably has a big part of it but I am still crazy IN LOVE with him and just can't stop thinking about him. You all probably think I'm crazy and I think I am ! I just don't want to think about him anymore.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): Ok, your situation is complex and this is probably going to take more than a little advice from strangers.
But, here is what I see. You were right to get away from him because frankly, you can't save people who don't want to be saved. Drugs and alcohol destroy lives. Plus there was violence in the relationship, which is never good. That is all good enough to get away. You did the right thing.
I don't think you're crazy. Love is a strange thing, but also trauma is a strange thing. You've done a great job turning your life around, but inside of you I bet there are things that you just never delt with. I would consider therapy but not just a councelor or a therapist. I would suggest seeing a psychologist who specilizes in relationship abuse, drug abuse, and trauma. Sometimes you need a little more help to heal than you realize, and that's what I think happened to you. You're not healed, even though you keep going forward, a big chunk is stuck in that past.
I actually feel you have done so well because you forced yourself to focus on getting a new life so much, but you were just running from the past. You never actually delt with it. Now it's a festering wound. And, I think you will always love him in a way, but you need to learn to put that love in a new perspective so it doesn't jeapordize your future.
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