A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My MASSIVE problem, someone please....help me. Part 1 : In the beginning....I have been with this woman for over a year and a half and during this time we have had sex many times. At first everything was great although I was never sure if I ever made her climax. I would try many things to please her. Lots of touching, rubbing, oral play, slight erotic talk and so on. A few times she admitted to climaxing on the oral sex which was fine, still she could never cum from penetration. I have been with women before in similar relationships and never had this problem. As a matter of fact I remember making my ex-gf's cum through penetration on various occasions and so.... at first I didn't want to blame myself for lacking the ability to please her but eventually came to thinking it may be the size of my penis. Part 2 : Enter the Vibrator.Now, its obvious I’ve failed. It wasn't long into our relationship that she decided to pull out a vibrator. I acted like it was fine but this was completely depressing and I’ll tell you why. First of all the vibrator is bigger in size then my penis which is bad enough. Second, it almost always makes her orgasm. Often while having sex she will ask me to pull out and let her just vibrate to orgasm. KILL ME NOW! Don't get me wrong, I’m glad she finds pleasure out of the toy, but I know in my heart I have never been able to do for her what the plastic does. Its got to a point now where she just looks past me and sometimes even goes right for the vibrator. I honestly feel really useless and hate the vibrator now. I could go a whole other life without wanting to see another vibrator. Part 3 : TRY EVERYTHING!In an attempt to improve my ability to make her orgasm on my own I’ve tried many things. Male enhancement pills , penis pumps, genital desensitizer (for myself), ribbed condoms, more oral sex, back and foot massages….BOOZE….I even tried buying her a genital pump hoping it may make her more sensitive to my penis but she doesn’t really like it or at least never suggests wanting to use it.Part 3 : What now?So I’m at a stand still. Had sex last night for over an hour. I must have had three orgasms. She did not cum once. I tried everything. Spicing it up with a camera and lots of foreplay…..still I fail. My confidence is so low now, I second guess everything I do in bed. I’m honestly nervous to even have sex with her again because I don’t like the way I feel about myself after we are done and I know I haven’t been able to provide. It keeps me up at night…..and she just brushes it off like its nothing. I could use any advice on this topic as I’ve become so hurt by this matter its getting hard for me to see the situation clearly and un bias. Please, I would appreciate any and all help.Thanks.M. A
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condom, confidence, foreplay, my ex, my penis, oral sex, orgasm, vibrator Reply to this Question
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female
reader, cnith  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 MOST women cannot cum through penetration. You were lucky with your exes...or they faked it real well... Not sure.
There is such a thing as vibrator dependency...ie. you need the stimulation of the vibe to get you going.
It's not your fault or hers. No mortal, male or female, can go as fast as a vibrator. It's not about you at all. You don't fail as a partner. IT doesn't win as an object.
Why is it such a competition?
So you want to wean her off the thing, you said? Do you have a few hours and desensitizing cream for you hands and or mouth? You're going to be sore...
I find out that the vibe helps me cum faster but taht doesn't mean I can't do it manually. HOWEVER, when I do, do it manually I'm pressing pretty damn hard against my pubic bone. It's fast and furious and it SHOULD hurt but it doesn't....it's the equivalent of sticking the head of your penis on a vice and twisting it around. It just doesnt look pleasant, but it works every time.
Now for your lady, there... ask HER what she likes. If you touch her some way and it bores her, tell her to tell you. If she's like me, no noise but squirming means you're doing something right. I can't get vocal for kid reasons... However if something's not working, I tell my bf.
It's much harder to say YES!! That's it!! when you're falling out of your head... lol. :)
Try this for a change. Use your fingers AND your mouth (or both your hands) and stimulate both the inside of the vagina (ie. g spot) and the clit at the same time. That works like you wouldn't believe... it's hard to be that coordinated but you'll know it's working bc the vaginal muscles start tensing up when it's working. If they remain the same try a different stroke/movement on the clit. For me, I don't even need movement on the g spot, just a pressure there is good. Movement is of course better but if you can't be that coordinated, the pressure should help.
Try doggie style with your hand on her clit, stimulating as you stroke. That does wonders too. If you can be that coordinated... if not, ask her to do her own clit while you do the background (thrusting from behind, that is.) TRUST ME, she'll have an orgasm. It's almost impossible not to...that angle is awesome.
As for large vibes? My guess is, it's stimulating the spot better than your penis...not your fault... penis doesn't vibrate her internally. It's again, NOT about you.
And as the other guy said, as long as shes' getting orgamsm, who cares how they're coming...
It's not about you!! Quit whining and get back on that horse. :) My guess is this internal whining is messing up your sex life. If my bf started behaving the way you are sounding, I'd go for the vibe first too. He doesn't talk back or sulk b/c something didn't go his way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): I'm not sure where you can go from here, but I do think that your girlfriend has been very insensitive about the whole thing. I haven't used a vibrator in bed with a man, but if i were to it wouldn't be a cock shaped one to rival his cock! there are plenty of vibrators without the cock part, and asking you to stop so she can come? No wonder you're feeling bad.
Please try not to feel insecure, you sound like you are a good lover, your girlfriend doesn't sound like a good lover.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 May 2010):
 I think this is a side-effect of living in the porn-era. Men see women getting penetrated and squirting and screaming and having mind blowing orgasms, when in reality only 25% of women can orgasm through intercourse alone and it's just because they have ways of tightening muscles and stimulating their clitoris. Women have very few nerve endings in their vagina, the majority of which are centered around the first three inches. All of it is in the clitoris. It doesn't matter how huge you are or what ridiculously amazing thing you can do with your hips, women don't orgasm from a penis. Sorry. I know guys are taught that their penises are magic pleasure wands to make women cum in their pants, but the only person a penis is a magic pleasure wand to is the guy. Even the women who do orgasm from intercourse orgasm because their clit is being rubbed in some special way. Some very unusual women orgasm from G-spot alone, but that's unusual. Many, many women can't orgasm without a vibrator. Some women don't even have an orgasm until they hit 40. Plus sometimes it's just so much work and time to have one manually or orally that all the fun just completely disappears and it's just a relief to finish rather than pleasurable. Being able to have an orgasm easily by using a vibrator puts us on almost level ground with guys' abilities to orgasm. I don't think guys would be so quick to hate vibrators if they knew how hard it is for many women to orgasm. You say her vibrator is bigger than you, try switching to a bullet vibe (make sure it's a powerful one) so you don't feel like it's replacing you. Ask to use it on her instead of her using it on herself. I can see how it would make you feel bad if she was using a dildo one. If I was a guy and that happened I would feel totally inferior and it's kind of rude of her to continue to use a giant dildo especially if you've made it clear it makes you feel bad. Why not go vibrator shopping together and pick something you're both comfortable with?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): I'll talk about mindset only. Have her chase you. The typical role in society is for guys to chase girls. Girls appear to be choosier. But the fact is, when roles are reversed (girls do the approaching), girls are as choosey as guys.
So what can you do to change? Stop initiating sex (until you don't care at all about having it). Stop trying to please her. Please her only when you want to, not when you're obliged to. Go out and talk to other girls (and guys). Definitely not to get anything from anyone. Just to get out of the house. When you go out, you don't need to achieve anything more. You're out of the house, that's the goal.
Ultimately the goal is to not give a crap. Stop trying to get anything from anyone (so you stop trying to get anything from your GF). When your mind shifts, things will change in your relationship. Part of not giving a crap is being ok with your GF leaving you (when she knows this, she will likely hang on to you, rather than you having to please her). If she does leave, other girls will approach you when you're out without a care in the world. So don't give a crap :)
How long do you do this for? 6 weeks, or forever. If you stop it, you can start again. Might be a good idea to tell your GF what you're doing if you decide to take the jump.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2010):
 I have just the link for you. Sorry to tell you that some women simply do not reach orgasm through intercourse alone. Think of it like this, the vagina is not an inside-out penis. Technically, it correlates more to the same tissue that makes up the skin of your scrotum. Her clitoris is like your penis. (This is all roughly speaking, they aren't exactly anatomically analogous.
So imagine having someone loving and for ages and ages stimulate your scrotum, without touching your penis. I mean for like an hour. All the while, they are focused intensely on your reaction.
Would you be able to have an orgasm?
I didn't think so.
It's not you, it's not her; you're not doing it wrong, she's not broken. She is normal, you are normal.
Men get very penis oriented, with good reason. Their sexual organ is the center of their sexual response and putting it in a vagina feels very good to them.
Now for wome, the clitoral complex is the root of their sexual response. Not, as you might think, the vagina. Don't get me wrong, the vagina has some nerve endings but nowhere near the same quantity as that little structure, the clitoris. It's her little penis, basically. It's loaded with nerve endings and it is fussy, fussy, fussy.
Don't touch directly. Don't touch too long. Don't ignore it. Don't focus on it too much. Give it manual stimulation. Stop. No, don't do that. Give it oral stimulation. Wait. No, not right now.
I'm telling you, it's enough to drive a woman crazy.
So please read this link, with an open mind.
And for heaven's sake, stop blaming yourself. And don't blame her. It just is what it is, okay?
http://men.webmd.com/features/6-sex-mistakes-men-make
Please try to enjoy sex. Don't make this some kind of competition between you and the vibrator.
Remember, think of her vagina as your scrotum and her clitoris as your penis. That might help you visualize what needs doing, okay?
Good luck and don't forget to have fun!
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 The sad fact is this is probably true for a lot of couples. Have you actually asked her what it is that the vibrator does to make her orgasm that you don't?
Some women just don't orgasm through penetration. Maybe the vibrator stimulates her clit?
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A
female
reader, goowes +, writes (30 April 2010):
 There is a book that tells exactly how to do it called getting sex you want. You are not responsible for her orgasm, she may not know her own body I just learned. There is an ilaborate map. The vibrators run on exactly the right rpms for women, you are real there is no competition. Ea have a place, but the book says nono of our parts are even touched with intercourse, it has to be done manually by you or orally and it takes us 20 minutes to get on. She will have to show you where and what to do if she isnt embarrased, you have to be able to take instuctions and not feel like a failure. Get the book get the map and man you are set it has tons more than i even told you
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