A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My BF and I have been in a LD committed relationship, with the usual ups and downs. Pandemic took a bit of a toll on us. He likes to be stupid and say things just to upset me.. so I got fed up with it and ignored him the entire January and February 2023, plus at that time I took on a second WFH job and didn’t have time for his BS. I know it’s my fault for ignoring him.. I wasn’t even mad, I just needed to focus on work and didn’t want to put up with his BS.He called me every day but I just ignored him, I was too busy. Then mid February he was so lonely and met this girl who also recently lost her BF, so they hooked up. After the hook up, she kept expressing to him how much she loves him and asked him to be her BF.. initially he said no, but she kept asking, so finally he said yes. I called him back March 1st cuz my job was situated and of course I missed him and even his BS. We talked like before. I felt how much he missed me. He would call me once he wakes up, throughout the day, and when he’s done with work at midnight, so tired, he would still call to talk to me for at least an hour or two. Of course, we still bicker like we normally do and had nights where we laughed til our stomachs ached and nights where his stupid BSing will upset me again.Then last Saturday, he disappeared, no call no text. Finally at 10pm he called and said he went out on a date with a girl to an Anime Expo. He revealed that he had met her in Feb and slept together. They just officially started dating a few weeks ago. He said he wants to do the right thing and be her BF since he agreed to it… but he said he can go days or a week with out contacting her and he’d be fine.. but he needs to hear my voice every day and know I’m OK. I’m hurt because he slept with her, but I get it - I ignored him for 2 months. Even tho we are LD and even when we argued before, he would never do this. I apologized for what I did and asked him to get back together. He said he can’t cuz it’s unfair to her. He also said that his feelings for me has dwindled significantly, and the only way to tell if the spark is still there is to meet in person. So I suggested to meet in person (cuz I know for a fact the chemistry is still there). He said it would be unfair to the new girl, and since he agreed to try, he needs to give their relationship a chance. But clearly, he is on the phone with me all day and every day… he is not going out with her.. only texts and short phone calls.Then we found out yesterday that his dad has stage 4 cancer. I’m very close to his dad and family. I know that he will not be able to make it thru this alone with out me. We’ve both been there for each other through so many family illness and deaths. So I told him that no matter what I will be there for him and his family this time. I got his back like I always have. We will make it through this together. I will move to his parents home for a few months and help his dad through radiation and chemo. I told him that I’m doing this in the role of a family member, so he can still be free to date the girl, I won’t be in their way.But deep down, I really still want to be with him and wondering if it’s true his feelings for me has dwindled to almost nothing and we’ll never be together again?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 April 2023):
 Oh OP
That isn't good.
"His mom told me that they approached him about it and he said it wasn’t serious, he was just playing around."
So what? You are his fall back person? His "I'll settle with this girl when I'm done playing around"?
He treats you like YOU are a moron. Sorry, but that is how it seems.
HE is talking to you keeping you hooked" just enough" so you will stay around while he "plays around".
WHY are you OK with this?
SO what that his family doesn't approve her of but they do of you? Yes, I get it when you MARRY (not date) a guy you kind of "MARRY into" their family too.
You see yourself as a better catch than her. He doesn't. He just sees you as someone who will accept him doing his thing now - whether it's to punish YOU for the 2 months of silent treatment or because he is bored of being LDR, I can't tell you, but I CAN tell you that if he can do this to YOU, he can do more and worse.
You seem so hooked on the "scarcity mindset" that HE is the "only" one for you, that you can't see the RED flags all over.
This is your life, you do you. But if you ask me I'd say he is a massive immature jerk. And I would take this as a MAYBE we are not that great of a fit long term, BEFORE you move a fair distance to be with him or him to be with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2023): I have just spent a few hours with an old lady who has had to wait weeks to be able to leave her home and get out and have a chance to talk to someone, because she lives with her husband who is an invalid and has dementia. She has to bathe him, dress him, clean up his mess, put up with his violence and tantrums, watch television with him for hours, often watching the same programme over and over again and much more. She never complains, she smiles, she is grateful for the good things in her life. You come along and moan and groan about something which is all of your own doing and which is nothing in comparison.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2023): He is lying to you - open your eyes. And instead of being honest he makes out it is all to please her and she talked him into it - a double bastard. He does not even accept responsibility for it. He wants you both in different ways. Her for sex etc and lies to you so that you fall for it and stay with him for other reasons like family. If he is like this now - when you are not married - imagine how bad it can be if you got married and the love has died down and faded even more?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2023): The girl asked him to be her boyfriend for a few weeks? You really believe this crap? Why would she do that, why choose a guy who is spoken for, and why would he agree to it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2023): Dear Honeypie,
OP here.. it’s complicated. What I can say is our bond is deep. We’ve been through a lot and have always been there for each other through good times and bad times. I trust him 100% that he never cheated on me. I was wrong that I took our relationship for granted and ghosted him for 2 months. I wasn’t mad at him during those 2 months. I took on a second job and needed time. I regret not having called him back earlier. I never thought we’d break up and he found someone else so soon. I don’t know how or where they met.
Again it’s complicated. He keeps telling me that since she asked a few times and he finally agreed to be her BF, that he has to do his role. But he barely contacts her and he knows that she is someone his family will never accept. His mom told me that they approached him about it and he said it wasn’t serious, he was just playing around.
His dad has cancer and his family needs me and he needs me. Him and I talked about me going to live at his place for a few months so I can spend time with his dad and help take care of the family. His family loves me and we are very close. We started talking about our issues and how, if we got back together, how we would work it out. But then tonight, he went out with her again. I’m so confused.. what does he want??
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2023):
OP
Let's say he wants to pick it back up with you.
DO you really want a guy who jumped to a new woman this fast? Even if you DID ignore him for 2 months.
Could you really trust him to not constantly look for "greener grass"?
I don't know what state you are in but most have been fully open for travel for well over a year. So what is the excuse to not go see each other more? If it's financial then maybe there isn't much "hope" for making this work anyway.
I think he liked the fantasy or IDEA of the two of you together but to make an LRD a NOT-LDR takes a lot of commitment, work, and effort and he doesn't seem willing to do those.
And you don't seem to actually like him! You chose to GHOST him for 2 months!
Actions speak louder than words.
Both yours and his.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2023): Well, now he has a new girlfriend. You got along fine for two whole months without a word between you. Now it seems you only want him back, because he's with somebody else. Remember how you argued and you got tired of his BS? You are a woman well into your 30's; and the kind of relationship you've described would be more appropriate for teenagers, or someone in their early 20's. Not a couple of people pushing 40!
It was a LDR, and now he has an in-person/intimate kind of romance that you two didn't have.
At this point, you have to allow yourself to detach emotionally. Which shouldn't be too hard, since it's not a relationship where you see and interact with him in real-time and in-person everyday.
Use whatever it took to ignore him for two months straight, now that it's what you have little choice but to do. The passive-aggressive tactic of using the "silent treatment," or ignoring people gives them time apart to reassess the relationship and weigh their pros and cons. He got used to the peace, and lack of bickering. He found somebody in the meantime. She may have been there all along, who knows? You'll always resent that they had sex, no matter how much you'll try to pretend you're fine with it!
Sitting around waiting and hoping they'll breakup is self-inflicted punishment, and emotionally-draining. Psychologically, it's very unhealthy; and often leads to stalking. You'll have to constantly keep abreast of what's going on in their relationship, which is none of your business. You will become frustrated, and feel rejected. That will become deep resentment. Ultimately, you'll try to interfere or become a wedge. Under the guise of always offering to be of some kind of help or assistance, by being there for him. He now has somebody else to be there for him.
It's best you move on. Standing by his family and showing how noble you are doesn't seem sincere under the current circumstances. Reminding people of the good you've done for them also dimishes the sincerity behind any act of kindness. It's telling them they owe you something for it! It just seems as if you're trying to lay a guilt-trip on him; and be "the ex" hovering over, or shadowing, his new relationship. You may mean no harm, but it becomes very creepy after awhile.
It's best you allow yourself to getover him; so you can heal enough to go find your own new romance. Find someone less inclined to giving you BS!
Trust me, you'll hurt yourself waiting and stewing over this. It's best to pull yourself together, and get-on with your life. Write him off!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2023): Dear Honeypie, Oh no, we have met in person and spent a lot of time together in person. I’m very close to his family as he is close to mine as well. It’s just during the pandemic we saw each other much less.. the last time I saw him was a year ago. We had and am still talking about plans to move in together. He said if we do get back together this time, we will aim to get married and move in together, I agreed. It’s just, the girl asked him to be her BF a few weeks ago and he agreed so he feels he needs to try to do his role. But he is still calling me every day all day and so I doubt he is seeing her in person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 April 2023):
"But deep down, I really still want to be with him"
WHY OP?
He does "stupid things and says stupid BS things" to the point where YOU decide that ignoring him is what you need to get some peace in your life.
And after only 2 months of not talking to you, he MOVED on with someone else.
Now I don't BLAME him for moving on, after all, WHO wouldn't think the relationship is OVER when your partner decides to just ghost you for 2 months?!
You two are in your 30's?
YOU haven't even met in person?!!!
"He also said that his feelings for me has dwindled significantly, and the only way to tell if the spark is still there is to meet in person. "
Why is LDR something you would get into for YEARS? If you two have always been LDR - was there no plan for either (or both) of you to move closer to the other?
Secondly, WHY would you think a PARTNER is someone you can put on the shelf for 2 WHOLE MONTH and then "pick up" the relationship when it suits you?
That is childish! He is a person, not a doll. Even if he is saying BS and upsetting you, YOU should have used your words not tried to use the silent treatment/ghosting to control him.
You both thought you could conduct a relationship over tech with a person you haven't even met IN person - that is unrealistic. And spending YEARS doing that is a waste of time.
It's time for you to realize this was all FANTASY for your now EX BF. YOU were someone to "play pretend" relationship with. And when you stopped giving him attention it "forced" him to MEET other people and meet someone he can SEE in person. Someone he feels he is connected to physically and perhaps emotionally.
You PRESUME that this girl he meet MADE him get into a relationship like he had no choice. That is also unrealistic.
Let him go, WISH him well, and move on. He is over the LDR with you. He wants more. He wants a partner he can spend time with IN person, someone he can touch and see face to face. And honestly? You should want the same for yourself.
" really still want to be with him and wondering if it’s true his feelings for me have dwindled to almost nothing"
Yes, I think a FANTASY with you PALED in comparison to an IN THE FLESH person and relationship. I know that sucks because you have invested years into this man and what you thought was a relationship that could lead somewhere.
Your BEST BEST bet, is to CUT contact, ( you can wish him all the best first) then block, delete and focus on yourself.
Then WHEN you feel ready to try dating again, LOOK closer to home. Find someone you can see IN PERSON. Not some LDR.
You and this guy would have been a disaster in person long-term. After all, you think ghosting for 2 months is OK and he jumps into bed with the first willing girl.
Lastly, you write:
"I apologized for what I did and asked him to get back together."
It was good you apologized but you should have ghosted him in the first place, an apology doesn't FIX anything.
LEARN from this. Do better, BE better next time, and skip the LDR's.
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