A
male
age
36-40,
*hsplaya9
writes:I've been with my wife for 4 years and we had a wonderful relationship when I was sober. But one night I got drunk and we both started arguing and out of anger I hit her. She has told all of her family and friends she is done with me. Is there anything I could do to show her I love her and that it wont happen again? And we have a two year old son who I don't want to grow up in a broken home I do love her very much and I started to go to AA what else can I do?
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Give her time and proof to her that you have change. Hitting her was a big big very big mistake, if you have really change and have taken the steps to control your drinking and your anger than I hope she does gives you another chance. This is her call though, she is the one that got hurt, and you degraded her as women, she has every right not to take you back. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, SophieF  +, writes (14 September 2010):
This is a upsetting situation for all involved I'm sure.
When you hit your wife you hurt her more than physically. Imagine how you would feel if someone you thought cared about you hit you? It would dent your self respect and leave you questioning their feelings for you. She's upset and wondering how you can love her after what you did. You haven't said much about your drinking habits but I wonder how long she has ben dealing with an unpleasant drunk alongside a loving sober husband. Living with Jekyl and Hyde is exhausting and upsetting for anyone. Was this the final straw? She may even feel she is doing this for your son's sake, to take him away from a negative family environment. Maybe she's scared he'll become a victim of the violence or start to think hitting people is acceptable.
It will take a great deal of time, patience and understanding to get her to reconsider. Going to AA is a good start as it shows that you are taking the issue seriously. Keep at it. Give her time and make sure she knows that you will be there for her and your son no matter what. You might want to try writing to her, it's easier to say how you feel when you take the time to write it down and it doesn't put her under pressure to respond immediately.
Most importantly you need to be there for your son who wont understand what is going on. You clearly care about his wellbeing so that should be your priority.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2010):
 AA and Anger management is a good place to start. And respecting your wife's decision to stay or go.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Give her time and space to make her decision. If she is willing to meet with you, then you can lay your cards on the table. The thing is, physical abuse is often the next step from other abuses. Think back, were you verbally abusive in the past?
Another thing to realize is that you can only change yourself for yourself. If you're going to AA to prove to her that you're giving up drinking, it won't work. You need to want to change for your own reasons. That reason could be that you did something you find absolutely revolting and that woke you up to the fact that you had a problem. But only you can know your reasons.
You can't make her come back. If she were here, I'd be telling her to leave you. Abusers don't usually get better, they get worse. I'd strongly suggest you seek counceling as well. Find out why you snapped. Find out why you hit her. Alcohol can fuel the fire, but it isn't the cause of behavior. What was the cause?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Well, never have more than three drinks in one sitting again. AA should cover that.
Honestly, the real issue here is that every single person in her life and in the media is going to say she should leave you, and probably label you as abusive, on top of that. Moreover, she now has a financial incentive to leave you (family court would toss out your pre-nup and give her everything). So you need to counteract both of those issues.
The first one is, now that you've apologized, to (gently) get her to admit what she already knows - it was a one-time thing, you regret it, and you're taking the steps to prevent it from ever happening again. That's absolutely everything you can do, and she needs to recognize that.
Second, nip any thoughts of divorce in the bud. Subtly steer her away from hanging out with any divorced friends or family. Don't bring up the subject yourself. 75% of divorces are inititated by women, so you're really at risk here.
Lastly, stand by your apology. Be vulnerable without appearing weak. Vulnerability will trigger her loving instincts; weakness will make that divorce settlement look much nicer. You are not a scumbag, and should not allow anyone to treat you as such. A sincere apology and the steps to prevent a repeat incident is all anyone can ask of you; more than that and they are just being petty. Good luck.
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