| A
age
41-50,
*
writes: Hello Everyone, I have a unique issue. I don't trust my husband. For varies reasons. Alot of people thought I should hire a Detective. I really don't have the money for that. A friend of mine suggested I get a voice recorder and set it in the morning before taking my kids to school. I hid a old phone and hit record. yes I know that's a little extreme. However he has been making early calls,to the neighbor. I listened to it. I heard moaning from a girl. I almost called him at work and told him to pack his crap and leave. But I listened to it again. I didn't hear any other talking or conversation before or after. So I'm curious, was he probably just watching a porn movie or actually cheating?
View related questions:
at work, money, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2017):
 So you love him? So what? You need to develop the confidence to leave him. Just because you love him does not mean that you have to stay with him. It means that you are using it as an excuse to stay where you are. You are weak and don't want to leave him, and he knows it, so he is not going to change. He is never going to change. The only person that can change here is YOU! I am aware that you are going to keep coming up with excuse after excuse not to leave him, but you should be trying to find the strength and courage to end this marriage and make a happy life for yourself. Excuses won't make you happy, nor will it make him change. What kind of marriage is this to allow your children to take example from?
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 January 2017):
 Stop saying "I love him" as though it means you should stay. If you want to be happy, you need to leave. If you don't leave, you don't really want to be happy.
Do you not want to be with someone who loves you back? If not, stay with this guy. If you do, stop being upset about this and tell him you're done - then leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): Hi Everyone, I would never allow a open marriage. I already have panic attacks at the thought of him with someone else. So why would I ever allow that? I appriciate all the advice. I understand what some of you are saying. But it is a very complated situation. I love him. Otherwise I would have left him long ago. And no I don't enjoy always checking up on him. I want to be Happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (27 January 2017):
"I just keep hoping he will grow up and see what he's doing to me and change"
With all respect OP, why would he? There are literally no consequences to his actions because you put up with it. Sure you might complain or shout at him, but from his point of view that's a small price to pay to keep his wife and mistress(es).
If it were me, I'd pack up his stuff and throw him out on his ass. Not only would it shock him to his core, but it'd also help you to start regaining your sanity and your self respect.
...............................
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (27 January 2017):
 You KNOW he's a cheat and like Youwish said he's going to keep cheating the longer you LET him get away with it. You need to get it into your head he has no decency, morals and CONSCIENCE. that he's sticking around because plenty of people stay in relationships because it's too messy/ inconvenient to split- purely cos they want an easy ride. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of love in this relationship. Love thinks about the other's needs, and involves trust on both sides. Are just obsessed with driving yourself crazy here? I couldn't love someone I didn't trust. Nobody can truly.It's emotional dependency, fear and addiction keeping you here, like Youwish said.Step back, grow a pair and gain the strength to realise you and your children are the ones that matter here. Go to citizens advice bureau/ gov.uk and look up how to get child maintenance.. And how to divorce. I think an open marriage would not solve anything. Staying in this relationship is guna end up with you committed to a mental.ward seriously. You cant see how obsessed you've become.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 January 2017):
OP, love means nothing without trust. I know you love him, but the only reason you stay is because you enjoy monitoring him and trying to catch him out. You have no reason to stay because you know he won't change.
This is a horrible situation to be in, but you need to let go or accept this life happily.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017): YouWish, I am in a similar situation as the OP. I do not trust my long term guy either. Now, as to whether he is cheating or not, well, who knows? He might actually be innocent. However, I constantly accuse him and cannot believe him no matter what. It has been the hardest relationship I have ever been in. Now, it's causing me great pain and anxiety because of my inability to trust him.I, in a desperate bid to regain some sanity, also suggested the open relationship thing. I thought it would ease my pain if I KNEW he was doing it. He said NO. Vehemently opposed. Why? Because he is like most guys. They can play around but God forbid their woman does! It is that old double standard. And it is alive and well! I challenge anyone to find a guy who is willing to be in an open relationship, outside of swingers and casual sex partners.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 January 2017):
 I've been cheated on before by a partner. Saw him making out with his ex with my own eyes when I caught him. It is a singularly horrible feeling. I cut him out of my life. He tried to apologize. He tried to make amends, but the ship had sailed. My love and affection literally turned to ice inside me, and I was done.
You should have been done before your marriage even started. You love him? You know he'll keep sneaking around? You might as well open your marriage, because he isn't changing, and he never will.
If you've done counseling, you already took the shot. If you want to live without this obsession over his activities, then cut him out of your life and find a guy who is more loyal to you.
You already caught him being disloyal in the past. Does he have to have sex in front of you before you act?? That doesn't usually happen. I came upon my ex by accident. I don't even know how long it had been going on before I caught him. It blindsided me for sure, because my default is to trust until I'm proven otherwise, which is far less stressful. I also don't date cheaters, past or present, and I don't cheat either.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017): Hello, First of all we have tried marriage counseling. He had a way of manipulating the counselor. She always dismissed all of my issues. So we stopped going. She said she was afraid she would scare him from coming. And I love him. Yes I have trust issues I don't know what that word is you used. But that's not what I'm feeling. Nobody understands unless you have been in the situation. I love him and I just keep hoping he will grow up and see what he's doing to me and change.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2017):
You've been writing about this since 2013 three months before you married him. He was flirting with other women then, and you still went ahead and did it. But now you spend the marriage constantly snooping on his phone, constantly reviewing every step he takes, everything.
If you haven't left by now, you are ADDICTED to hyper-surveiling your husband, and back when he was your fiance. I would never have married the guy if I'd caught him in at the very least an emotional affair with a co-worker, not to mention when you thought he was gay in the first year of your marriage, to talking to escorts, now the neighbor, and now you've graduated to hiding recording devices and analyzing every sound coming from it.
I'm going to be painfully clear. A cheater is going to cheat whether or not his or her partner is wringing their hands and staring through the surveillance cameras constantly like a goldfish in a bowl, and they'll cheat whether or not the spouse trusts them.
You were with the guy 7 years before you married him, and now you're almost at 4 years married. At what point will you cut bait and end it? If you won't, then you might as well talk to him and open the relationship so that you can sleep easier at night. Otherwise, this is the elaborate dance you're going to have your entire life, being the jilted spouse/victim wringing your hands at every move he makes, yet doing NOTHING whatsoever to repair and move forward. Marriages can't survive this even when there IS no disloyal behavior!
Time to drop the "trust issue" hobby and bite the bullet. Either go to marriage counseling together, or end the agony and go separate ways.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 January 2017):
This isn't a unique issue. If you don't trust him, leave or get marriage counselling because he can never prove it if he isn't cheating.
The recording could have been porn, but you'll never know. If he's innocent, *you* can't be trusted for placing a recorder secretly. If he's guilty, neither of you can be trusted. You need to ask him outright and seek marriage counselling, even if you believe him, because this could come up again.
...............................
|
