A
male
age
30-35,
*andomname1
writes:Ok, me and my girlfriend have been together 2 years and 2 months.. 3-4 of those were together, inseperable, and the rest of the time we've been long distace.which of course hasn't been easy, i don't like my time at uni at all and it reflects on me in a very depressive way.. and she's helped me through it all. so the first year i was there we got through it. the second year, which is just coming to an end(in 3 weeks) she went to another uni, even further away.. which has been harder, we see eachother like once every 2-4-5 weeks, really depends.when she first got to uni, she went abit crazy and had abit of a breakdown.. we had alot of problems and wasnt sure if she wanted to be with me, that i don't do anything for myself anymore and im losing who i am. so i suggested we have a break for a few days.. which is alot for us considering we msg about 40 times a day and call everynight etc.. after 2 days she said she misses me and it all got back on track, i started going to the gym again and it was all fineish again for the rest of the year.. we argue a fair amount because im jealous and she has really few girl friends, and shit has happened, for instance when i first went to uni she had been flirting in texts to one of my sort of friends. but we got over that.However, last week(4 weeks away from the end) she said she wanted another break.. i was heartbroken and because it was hte 2nd time i was really concerned.. for good reason, we argued because my brother came up and i was texting her, she was ignoring me(i can see when shes read the msgs) and got quite annoyed, in the morning she ended up saying she just "didn't wana talk to me at that moment in time" i was bedbound for 3 days and didn't eat for 4 days. i decided to go home cos i couldn't take it. she ended up coming home 2 days ago for a 'friends party' came round and said she wants to finish with me.. i was reasured that she was just stressed cos of exams and wasnt really sure what she's doing.. so i was ever hopefull, but obviously she had other motives.her reasons were that that night she realised that i am always worried about her and never enjoy myself, that she doesn't feel that way about me anymore and ive changed so much since when she first met me, because everything is about her to me. i wrote her a 4 page letter explaining what i've realised on the break, about how i feel now i can change and really thought the break helped me and was looking forward to proving things to her and having a better relationship because of it.. but it's all gone to shit.i haven't just lost her, i've lost my whole world. my family and her family are good friends, im so friendly with her mum and dad.. all my friends are her friends, all hers are mine etc.. i'm seriously depressed about the whole thing because we have so little time left, ive been with her the whole of my uni life.. ive got 1 year left. we had so many plans for the future, she has said to me on countless occasions that she wants to be with me forever and wants to marry me and have my kids and stuff... we were meant to go on holiday again this summer, i was gona help her move into her new house.. i was planning to move to paris with her for her course at the end of uni(cos its part of her degree)she said to me, if were meant to be together then we will maybe be in the future. she still loves methat she still wants me a massive part of her lifebut were not good for eachother at the momenti'm still just clinging onto the idea that we may get back together and it's keeping me from going insane.about 2 hours after she left, she texted me saying "i want to speak to you in the summer" (in 3 weeks when we both finish, about our relationship)since the break, i've tried to give her space, to make her realise what shes done and what shes missing. she keeps texting me like nothings changed.. i don't think i want to be friends with her.. but i want her a part of my life. i still love her crazily and want to be with her, i don't think ill ever get over her.her fb status is like "i dont know why im being like this" and she said shes so confused and shit to me, and she does seem it..when we broke she was still hugging me and kissing me and it's all just so confusingi want her back, ive read so much on how to do it and i've tried to keep making myself appear unaffected by it, and appear a good person, i've been trying to reply really bluntly and only with funny things, but i don't want her getting the wrong idea that we can just be friends by doing so.she says she wants to give me space and she wants space, but just wants to talk to me always and she still says "i love you" and calls me pet names like she used to.please help..sorry its so long im just pouring my heart out!x
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reader, randomname1 +, writes (18 May 2010):
randomname1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there, thank you for your advice.i agree with some aspects of what you are saying, but some i don't.i agree that maybe i needed a shock in the system and it would appear it's a good thing for me. however, its not like that. and i know full well it's not.The break and the break up has made me realise these aspects of myself, i do need to develop myself and start to enjoy life again, but before i met my girlfriend i wasn't happy, i just didn't give a shit, which is what she found exciting. she was the icing on my cake, and she made makes me happy, so why should it be a good thing to have her removed from my life. i didn't destroy my friendships with my friends or anything like that, i still do things for myself and always did. i am happy at home, with my real friends, and everytime we were home, our relationship was fine again. it's more to do with the fact that i don't enjoy my life at uni, which makes me look like this needy useless guy.. that ofc she wasn't going to find attractive. i personally feel if she would just give me another chance our relationship would be all that much better for it. ive hit rock bottom, this is the worst i've ever felt in my life and it made me realise alot of things, which i explained to her in a 4 page letter. i feel maybe i did need to have this wake up call.. but i feel so much more mature, i now think i know how to make her the happiest woman alive, and to make myself happy and have a sucessfull relationship. one of hte things i said within that letter, was that idea that she "wants me to become myself again" now yes, i do. however i explained that i want to develop and change alongside her and we will go through ups and downs, just like in life, that i want to go through all these moments with her. i'm not someone who gives up easilyand i don't understand why to do this and to grow up you have to meet 3-4 different people and have many relationships and what not, just to learn these things, why can you not learn all these things with 1 person? even if she cheated, i cheated.. we have to be apart, we have too much time together, bla bla(the things that break people up) why can you not do all this with 1 person? im not the kind of guy who takes an easy life, i have met thousands of women and each and every one of them doesn't compare to my girl.i know what i want in life already, i still have dreams and aspirations that i want to do, but she was a part of one of the things i wanted. i get girls try it on with me all the time, i have no interest for these people. yes i could carry on and find another women, but that is not what i want. so why should i?About the idea of space, and time to myself.. that is again, not what i need.. i have too much time and space to myself, at uni i go 3 times a week and thats not even for a whole day and have to work out things to do to entertain myself. the time alone is what has made me so clingy to her, beccause ive felt lonely and i'm a very socialable person.. but i've struggled my way through 2 years of what she's experiencing now and i think it's very weak that she would give up on us, because of the things shes feeling. i thought about it many times, it's not easy but i stuck by her because i know i love her.one piece of advice i'm going to take, is i'm going to try get back on track with myself.. but its very hard to do when you feel so depressed. i probably weigh about 8 stone at the moment, i can't eat propelry and i can't sleep properly
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 May 2010):
 To be honest it sounds like she is going through a phase that a lot of girls (including me) go through when they first go to uni, and the outcome is rarely good I'm afraid. When you go to uni you finally have your own freedom to become who you want to be - you move away from home, from parents, and in her case - away from you. She is growing up, developing as a person, finding herself - and she likes it. She will enjoy the freedom, want to be single so she can grow and be who she wants to be without worrying about anyone else in the process. She is changing into a different version of herself, and unfortunately leaving you behind. And your problem is that you have based your entire life and happiness on her - whereas you are just an added element to her life, her happiness does not depend on you and she is an individual - whereas you are just half of a couple.
This is where you have gone massively wrong - and hence why you have become unnappealing to her. You say yourself you have lost your whole world - this is the worst thing to get yourself into in a relationship! If you cannot be happy alone then you should not be in a relationship at all. Your life needs to be pretty much perfect before you meet a girl - and then when a girl does come into your life she should be like the icing on the cake, the last thing to make your life complete. So really if I think about this properly - I think your girlfriend has done you a favour and actually YOU are the one that is not ready to be in a relationship.
I know this will be hard to take - and I have been in pretty much the same situation with my ex boyfriend. I went to uni, realised that I wanted to be single and have my freedom, but I was the whole world to my boyfriend and when I ended it he nearly quit uni, stopped going out of the house - his life basically fell apart. And I am quite ashamed that it was all my fault but he had become too dependent on me and he needed that big shock to wake him up and start making a life for himself. He is fine now by the way, after about 6 months he was much better and back to his old self.
I hope you can see that you have been suffocating her - you are really needy and that is not attractive to a young woman. At her age she will want a man that is exciting, fun, interesting, independent, adventurous.....not needy, boring and emotional. The reason she is still saying she loves you and trying to keep you in her life is because at the same time she wants her freedom, she is scared of being alone and wants the comfort that you provide. She is like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly - she still has the mind of a caterpillar but the heart of a butterfly, the past is battling with the future in her head. On one hand she wants to be with you because it is familar, safe and easy, whereas on the other hand she wants to be free, learn about herself and experience new things.
She wont let you go for a while unless you do the right thing and stop her treating you like this - she will keep in with the texts, pet names, "I love you's" until she meets a new man. Which she will, believe me.
In my opinion you need to (sorry for the harshness of what I'm about to say but I think you need to hear it) grow up and become a man. All you have known since your late teens is this girl, all you have been is one half of a couple. But now is the time to seize this opportunity and start growing up - become a man, with interests, ideas, beliefs and ambitions. Your world does not revolve around this girl - your world should revolve around you. What do you want in life? What are your ambitions? What are your dreams?
All I have heard so far is that you are willing to follow this girl to the end of the earth to be with her - but what about what you want? What is your dream job? Where would YOU like to live? You need to become your own person instead of living your life through someone else - it is not healthy and it is not attractive to girls!
I am a strong believer in that you need to be happy being single, you need to be comfortable with your own company and you need to have a good life as an individual before you can consider being in a relationship. At the moment you have nothing to offer a girl - you dont have any aspirations, interests of your own, any of your own friends.....you have allowed your own life to be consumed by another person. So before you can even think about getting back with your ex, or getting into a relationship - you need to sort your own life out!
It will be the hardest thing you ever do, you will cry, you will hate life at times...but you will come out on the other side a stronger and happier person. I reccomend you spend at least 6 months just being single and getting your life back on track. Take time getting to know yourself, find out what makes you happy and what you enjoy doing. And dont you dare say "only my girlfriend makes me happy, all I enjoy is spending time with her" - because this is bulls**t. You are a person with a brain - therefore you have things you like, things you dont like, things that make you laugh, things that make you cry. Every person on this earth has a number of things they enjoy, things they are interested in. So start doing these things! If you enjoy fitness and working out, why not join a running club? They are sociable places where you get to meet new people whilst doing something you enjoy. When you go back to uni in September, have a look round the freshers fair and see what societies you might enjoy - and sign up to a few!
What you will find is that at first you spend a lot of time alone, and this is when you will feel at your worst. But this is the bit where you really heal, and learn the most about yourself. When you are at rock bottom is when you really find out what sort of person you are - and after that the only way is up. Spend time alone and dont be afraid of it, learn to enjoy your own company by turning your phone off and your computer so you are not in touch with anyone - watch a film, read or listen to music.
After a break up with a more recent ex I spent 9 months just being single, I lived alone and it was a very hard 9 months. I saw my friends and family at weekends but it was still a tough time. I cried a lot, I was angry, hurting, every emotion went on during that time. But eventually I came to enjoy my own company, enjoyed having time to do the things I like, and enjoyed being an individual. I had spent so many years in and out of relationships, it actually became refreshing to just be myself and learn about who I am as a person.
At the moment you only know yourself with this girl - you have no idea of your own identity, and this is what you need to discover.
With regards to your ex - I dont think she is ever going to come back to be honest with you, and I think this is something you need to get your head around. You need to talk to her one last time - tell her that you still love her and cannot accept friendship - either you are together or you need to move on once and for all. If she cant choose and still claims she wants you as a friend for now, then tell her you are sorry but it hurts too much and she can no longer be in your life. If you are ever going to move on, and become a stronger, independent person then you have to cut her completely out of your life. It is a horrible thing to have to do - but clearly you still love her so if she is still in your life in any capacity then you will always hold out hope she will be yours again. Especially with her playing with your feelings the way that she is at the moment - she is currently using you as her "safety blanket" - you are always there for her when she needs you, you are the one she can fall back on, the good old safe option when she wants to feel loved. But you need to start putting yourself first - what about you? What about your feelings? What about your needs? She is messing you around and you are letting her - and if you want to get out of this mess then you need to stop her. So lay it down on the line with her - either she wants to get back together now and give things another go, or that is it for good and you both move on and dont contact each other. Playing this silly game of "oh I want space but I still love you and maybe if its meant to be we will be together in the future" - it is just making it harder for you. It either needs to be a clean break from each other for good or you work on your problems together and give things another go.
So all in all I think you need to re-build your life and accept she is not part of it. always keep in mind that you need to learn to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else, and that might make you strive to change your life for the better, all on your own. Right now it seems you will never get over her but that is just how it feels when you are in the midst of a break-up. Yes it will take a long time to get over her but eventually you will. Losing the person you love is like a death - you have to give yourself time to mourn for your loss and grieve for what you had. As with a bereavement, time is a great healer and every day gets a tiny bit easier.
I think your girlfriend has done you a favour - she is not a good influence in your life and maybe this is the (excuse the phrase) kick up the bum that you need! As I have said before, once you have learnt to be happy on your own then you can be happy in a relationship - but until then you will never be in a succesful relationship.
If you have any more questions or follow ups please feel free to ask or send me a message through the site.
Good luck!
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