A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since the day I first saw her. She is beautiful but so are many of the tens of thousands of girls on campus. Even though I was shy to even talk to her at first I got to know her and she is extremely intelligent, mature, passionate, hardworking, and caring.I lost both my parents. One when I was young, I lived with an alcoholic Godfather who hit me all the time growing up, a brother who I hated, and a step father who I fought with constantly. I lost my other parent recently. Though I fought with him, I grew to love my step father, but I didn't realize that until he died as well recently. Previously I went through depression, thoughts of suicide, anger problems, had no friends for a few years, and did not get along with the only sibling I have. I'm not going to act as if others don't have it harder than me but my life to this point hasn't been all too great aside from the important things like the fact I'm alive and I have a roof over my head. I'm thankful for that.Anyway, after I lost my mother, I felt empty and afraid to love because I loved my mother more than life itself . I don't want to lose someone else. Before she knew me, she took the time to actually listen to me, which is something no one had done for me my entire life. Obviously I would get attached to someone like that, and I did. She always cared enough to ask me about anything. Most people just like to talk about themselves. She never did, so I asked her about her. She didn't say much at first but she began to tell me things without me asking. It felt great to be confided in like that so I began to trust her as well. She's never given me a reason to doubt her.I find myself only being happy when I she is. When he smiles or when she laughs or just when she is around. When I see her picture I end up starring at her for a bit longer than usual. I've always like to see a girl smile, but nothing beats hers. She is very stubborn and frustrating in that her passion leads her to take on too much. I worry about her burning out without enjoying life which is all we will have in the end. As frustrating as it is, I know she will always be that way until she chooses not to be. She accepts me the way I am so I accept her. Despite her flaws, and we all have flaws, she is the most amazing person I have ever met. She went to school far away to pursue her dreams, and as badly as I wanted her to stay... it's her dream. I couldn't live with myself if I stood in the way of that. Maybe we're just meant to be friends, I don't know. I just want to know if what I feel for her is love or just some crush or infatuation.(Sorry about the length)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014): "If you believe accepting someones flaws mean they don't frustrate you then you are wrong. Who wouldn't get frustrated from someone who is extremely stubborn."
That's the point though, OP. Frustration is a bad sign and stubbornness is not frustrating for me in the right person as I too am very stubborn. Frustration builds, it means just because you intellectually have decided to accept them that the reality is you have a personality clash with the person that frustrates you, waiting for a time when the reasons you can "look past" that no longer exist.
When it comes to romance usually that's the time the honeymoon period ends and you've settled with them. That's when holding back your frustration no longer feels necessary and that's when you see that it really is a problem.
What I'm saying is it's a bad sign. My closest friends, my wife all have stubborn streaks and flaws, none of them frustrate me in the slightest and this girl's wouldn't frustrate you if you didn't think she needed to change them it's that simple.
If your view that she's stubborn is based solely on her refusal to listen to you when you try to tell her what would be best for her, which you make it sound like it is, then that's not stubbornness either, it's just refusing to change according to what you think is best, which is normal.
So be careful, OP, not to normalise your frustration and think you can accept a person just because intellectually you have decided to, frustration means emotionally you haven't completely and it means no matter how rock hard your erection for her is she frustrates you and once the emotional ideals you have placed on her recede you and she may not even be compatible as friends.
So again, I say see what you have in her and decide whether it's more important than getting your dick wet or feeding your fantasy infatuation.
Because telling yourself it's okay if she frustrates me everyone does, is not going to make it any less of a problem going forward, you're in for a harsh lesson if you think you can intellectually decide what your emotions feel.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Draven19. The rest of you made so many assumptions
WiseOwlE - She is not the only person I've allowed to get close. I'm not some loner with no friends. She was just someone who did not know me and chose to consistently ask me about myself. I did not consider her a friend until she chose to tell me something about herself. Like me, she doesn't talk about herself.
She isn't the only girl I know, I do not isolate myself, and she is certainly not the only human being I care about. I'm friendly to everyone unless they give me a reason not to be. I have friends on and off campus and at work. Half of them girls and they are all pretty. Pretty isn't the reason I was drawn to her.
You're right, I don't care about a great many people. I'm open to friendship with anyone, but you're not going to care about everyone you meet. I care about my friends and her, she just happens to be so unique from the rest of them. Everyone who knows her would agree with me.
olderthandirt - I never said I loved her by looking at her. I don't believe in love at first sight. I said I could not stop thinking about her. I never developed any real feelings until after I got to know her and we became close.
Cerberus - I do not wish to change anything about her and I don't want her to. All I mean is that people change when they want to so the only one who can change her is herself if she chooses to. her flaws are just as much a part of her as everything else. I like her for everything she is and everything she is not. Same as woman or anyone loses weight because they want to not because someone else does. If you believe accepting someones flaws mean they don't frustrate you then you are wrong. Who wouldn't get frustrated from someone who is extremely stubborn. At the end of the day, I'm still happy.
I do not have fantasies about us kissing in the rain like some bs movie.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): There's no such thing as "just some crush" the chemicals involved are the exact same ones as they are for love. Try not to water down the significance of how you feel by thinking it's some "silly crush" they can be intensely painful.
It is a crush though, OP. A crush to me is when your desire for someone is painful to you due only to the fact that they're not yours.
To me it's only love once you know what it's like to be in a relationship with that person. How can you love someone romantically when you've never experienced romance with them? Can you love someone as a friend without even befriending them?
There are a few things that mark this a crush for me. You haven't experienced her romantically, you haven't done anything about your feelings for her and most likely won't unless you can't take the pain anymore, you think she has flaws that need to be fixed but you "accept them" (if you truly accepted them they wouldn't frustrate you).
OP when you say "Despite her flaws" and "she will always be that way until she chooses not to be" it says you love the idea of her or what she could be if "chooses to" not the actual woman herself. That's the thing with crushes, people assume that with crushes people are just too scared to make a move but very often the reality is that your gut is saying it wouldn't be a good idea.
Trust your gut here, OP, you know it's holding you back for a reason because you have a crush with the idea of this woman, not the woman herself. Do not mistake tolerating a person's flaws for being okay with them and embracing them as what make her unique. Do not presume to know whether she can change that part of her personality if "she choose to" nor that she actually should because you think it'd make her a more perfect person. Big difference in being okay with that as a friend and in someone you need to be a good partner.
So next time you're playing a hero fantasy saving her or other such dream scenario where you end up kissing in the rain remind yourself of the fact that you only like this girl "despite" her flaws, flaws that frustrate you, flaws that you hope someday she will choose by herself to fix.
That's not love, that's a crush.
I love my wife; she may leave her dishes in the sink for the housekeeper to tidy up the next day instead of putting them in the dishwasher, she may hog my PC to play games because she's too lazy to upgrade her own one, she may sarcastic call me a baby when I'm genuinely in need of emotional support and she may have the ability to make me laugh when all I want is to stay pissed off at her but there is literally nothing about her she needs to "choose not to be".
OP love is someone having the power to annoy you in ways no one else is capable and it not be something that truly bothers you.
OP you said it yourself your background means you become very easily attached to people who get close to you because you've lost a hell of a lot in life.
My advice is to realise what this is and that her friendship is probably more important and you need to protect that.
Go find yourself another romantic interest, a real one and confine the special bond you have with this woman to the platonic.
Personally I could never deal with a crush while remaining friends it was just impossible for me, but unlike you I've never had a time in my life where I didn't have a solid support network of trusted friends and family I could say anything to. So maybe you can get over this once you realise what she could be as a friend going forward in life is worth more then the risk of fucking that up because you have a crush that's based more on fantasy than the woman herself.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 August 2014):
 Of course it's just a crush...true love is evasive and can't be 'felt' by just looking at someone. You have to get to know her. Pretty people can be axe murders too. So just let a relationship evolve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): I believe you grew to know a very wonderful person. She was kind and attentive; and you found many good qualities in her that you've never found in anyone else.
Only because she was the only one you've ever allowed to get as close.
I'd say you were first drawn-in by her beauty. Then you allowed her to get close enough by exposing your vulnerabilities. You needed her to know something about you. She gave you that opportunity. She became a friend.
It's peculiar how you said you wouldn't get in the way of her dreams. You don't mention any romantic exchange; only that she listened to your problems, and she told you things about herself. If you mean love in friendly terms, I think that might be true. Romantic love is different. It must be reciprocated, based on a mutual-attraction, and predicated by sexual chemistry.
Naturally you're going to crush on her if she's pretty and attentive. Who else have you ever given the opportunity to even try to like you? You've isolated yourself from everyone else. It took a pretty girl to come along, before you decided to be friendly to another human being.
Yes it is a crush. It is also gratitude that someone made you feel they cared about you, and your feelings. Someone you could open up to. Only problem is, it's all focused on her, and no one else. It may truly be the beginnings of love; but you've never allowed yourself to care for many people.
Before you convince yourself you're in-love, try making some friends on-campus. Inviting more people into your closed-off existence, and putting some of your sorrows from the past behind you. You only have one person to offer your feelings to. That's not enough and it isn't healthy.
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A
female
reader, Draven19 +, writes (28 August 2014):
It sounds like you love her and her moving a way to school it's going to hurt you a lot. So don't loose her always talk with her when she is gone
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