A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I currently live in Tokyo and am stuck here for about another year and a half and I have the same dilemma that any other non-Japanese female has here: I can't find a decent guy. My self-confidence has taken a real dive since I've been here just because of the fact that I can't compete with Asian women! I'll be the first to admit that they're beautiful and can attract almost any man with the blink of an eye out here. I'm overweight, not Asian, not blonde, not anything that ANY guy would want. I'm convinced that I'm hideous and unworthy of any man, especially here. I do hope that someone out there can give me some tips on how I can boost my self esteem, even if it's just slightly. (Oh, I was in shape when I first came, but it still didn't matter cuz' I'm just a plain, if not slightly ugly looking female). Even if I do leave, I still won't be worth any man's time anywhere. I just want to stop feeling like this and try to help myself, I just can't figure-out how. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 Oh no, -wrong way to look at things. You forgat you have an important ace up your sleeve. The exotic factor. Exotic for them.
I am Italian and while being reasonably attractive, I am alike a few millions of Italian women and nothing makes me particularly stand out here. I have a curvy figure, big brown eyes, full lips,ok...but here it's really nothing to write home about.
Some years ago, I found myself in USA plunged into the heart of a very WASP community. Plenty of tall,long legged girls, plenty of blonde hair. They looked so pretty to my modest 5'3" self. But a weird thing was happening- I was getting a lot of attention. Tons of compliments, men whistling at me, handsome guys hitting on me all the time. I felt uncomfortable at first - I thought it was a conspiracy to make fun of me. Until I figured it out : I was different. I was "new". I was exotic.
If men do not pay you a lot of attention there, it's surely not because of your looks, that very likely they find intriguing and exciting like all the things you are not familiar with. It's because of your attitude- you lack of appreciation for yourself probably translates into a bad posture, a defensive demeanour, a nervous smile, a rigid facial expression...
Just be yourself , and proud of your uniqueness. Of course for each of us there's always room for improvement, but in the meantime- be happy, be sociable, be natural. Never go around as if you should ask permission to be in this world !
You sound like a sweet girl- and sweet is beautiful. Just relax and let it shine through.
A
male
reader, Withheld +, writes (27 April 2010):
I can probably shed some information on this one..
I settled in Japan from the United States years ago. I have many friends from foreign countries here, and I've seen plenty of women feel intimidated by Japanese females. Yes, a high percentage of Japanese women are skinny, polite, fashionable, and look 10 years younger than their actual age. But don't let it all bother you.
Because I have TONS of Japanese guy friends that don't like the typical Japanese woman. I can write a dissertation about how the Japanese culture affects dating practices (in fact, I almost wrote my senior seminar paper during my undergrad years about a similar subject, but decided to write about "honne and tatemae" instead.) But in a nutshell, Japanese women are pretty demanding on their partners.
My point is, you have something that most Japanese women don't: a completely different way of thinking. My Japanese friends always ask me to introduce them to foreign girls. CONSTANTLY. Half the time they don't even care about how the girl looks, they just want a different kind of dating experience. They want somebody who isn't so.... for the lack of a better word: Japanese.
It seems like a lot of your problems are stemming from self-confidence issues. Your whole question only states negative things about yourself. If you start thinking of yourself more positively, you'll gain confidence. Don't let Japanese women intimidate you!
I'm sure you can meet some great Japanese or Western men in Tokyo. Just believe in yourself, focus on your strong points, and go out to meet people. I can recommend lots of places (NOT ROPPONGI!!!) Try some international parties. Post a classified on Tokyo Metropolis Magazine's website. You'll find there are tons of people looking for a nice relationship.
Good luck!
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