A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been thinking about what caused my mind to be wired like this and I think it's because I've been bombarded with beauty since I was a kid. As long as I can remember my mom talked to me about what it meant to be beautiful and always pointed out what she thought was a beautiful man. As a kid I didn't really notice, but as a teen I began to pick up on it. My mom was always afraid I'd gain weight, so I started dieting at 15 (and developed an eating disorder) so I wouldn't be one of "those disgustingly fat" people. I visited forums about models and celebrities and I watched a lot of fashion shows and movies. I got very accustomed to the sight of symmetrical faces, trim bodies, perfect skin, etc. Of course, I strived to be like them. At one point I even got to the point I was contemplating plastic surgery to straighten out my nose, get laser to even out my skin, get colored contacts to brighten up my eyes, even though I know these things would cost me all my savings of the last 3 years. In the end I didn't because of the horror stories surrounding those procedures and tried to accept myself as I am. I'm still struggling, but no longer desire to do a 'heidi montag.'My mom always made negative remarks about people that don't fit the mold: they're too fat, too clumsy, too ugly, their noses are too big, etc. etc. Because of this, I tried to make pretty friends, but as I grew up I quickly found out that a person's appearance had nothing to do with their ability to be a good friend. But for some reason, when it comes to men, my standards stay high. It doesn't help that because of the crisis I had to move back home (lost my job, couldn't afford my apartment anymore) and I see my mom every day. She keeps pointing out the kind of guy she wants me to get home with and as much as I'd like to have a GQ model as a bf, I know that's not realistic. Yet I keep denying requests from guys in my area that don't "fit the mold". I don't know why.I just basically don't want to become this old stuck up virgin who is condemned to life alone because her damn standards are too high. What can I do to change this mindset?Sorry for the essay, but it's really been bugging me and I don't want to become this very superficial person, if I'm not already there... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replying everyone. Still need your help though!
To answer some general questions. I don't think my mom is a bad person. She is however very judgmental of other people and being surrounded by this attitude my entire life has made some of it rub off on me. It's also made me insecure because I also compare myself to this impossible standard and don't measure up.
I do tell her off --not that it helps-- and once after a nasty remark she made about a woman (she called her a "fat pig") I asked her what she'd do if I looked like that. She replied that I wouldn't be her daughter if I did. I don't really know how to interpret that, but it's obviously not a positive remark.
As for men, she always went for those she deemed out of her league and she got them too. I've seen pictures of her ex husband and he was very good looking. My dad was also very good looking as a young man and still is in good shape at almost 60. He's also very sweet, so he's basically the whole package. So my mom tells me constantly not to settle for anything less than perfection.
The problem for me with accepting requests is that I don't get attracted to someone very easily. I've given a couple of guys a shot, only to break it off after a month because I felt nothing more than friendship and they wanted to take it to the next level. I broke some hearts that way and felt terrible about it. These guys were genuine, good people and I wanted to be attracted to them....but I wasn't. I was basically leading them on.
So basically it comes down to this: deep down I know my high standards are ridiculous and stupid, but for some reason I'm still sabotaging myself by getting attracted to guys I can't get or not getting attracted at all. I don't know if that makes sense.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): Your problem isn't your standard in guys OP, it's your standard in you. You seem to have the mindset that you need a beautiful guy as an accessory and show of how beautiful and desirable you are. Basically you view us guys as a means to enhance yourself aesthetically and in terms of self-worth. You want to be Barbie and Barbie needs a Ken. It's nothing at all to with us guys OP, you just have completely the wrong view of things you have a fantasy image in your mind and think you won't be happy without it and that's not even your standard OP, this is your mothers standard and who knows when it actually comes to having a boyfriend I'm sure the most important things for her are a guy who treats you well, is kind, friendly, generous and makes you happy and if it's not then honestly OP fuck her, I very much doubt she's a beauty worthy of an oil painting, I very much doubt she gets model handsome men champing at the bit to be with her.
OP you've taken on board your mothers "bitter old woman" attitude. I'm not trying to insult your mom OP but the only people so negative and critical of others are bitter people with low self-worth trying to make themselves feel better by pointing out the flaws in others. Jealousy is an ugly trait OP and your mom is very, very jealous.
I echo the others in the sense that you need a break from her and you need to stand up to her too. Is it right that she is so critical of others? Do you really like listening to her negative attitude all the time? Then pull her on it. "Look at how fat and disgusting she is" "who cares mom, looks aren't everything" etc. OP her attitude has had a very negative effect on your personality over the years, when are you become your own woman who thinks for herself?
You also have it wrong OP, you're not superficial. You are capable of seeing through beauty and seeing a person's true worth. You're also not some abnormal woman who expects too much, you're just too sensitive to how the world views you and wrongly so, you take your mothers comments to heart even though you they're wrong and come from a bad place within her.
How did you end making friends that weren't exceptionally beautiful? Easy isn't it, you just were open to that, you talked to people, were polite with them and found common ground, built up trust and sense of companionship that is far more profound than their looks. So just transplant that openness, that attitude to dating too. The only difference is attraction OP. You don't have to be blown away to find something hot about a guy do you? You don't have to be drooling to find a guy somewhat attractive. All you need is a base attraction and to not look for physical flaws, then just take that chance. Quite literally OP the next reasonably attractive guy that asks you out, say yes. That's it, take that first step and give a chance for the guy to show you what he has to offer underneath. It worked with your friendships it will work for your romantic relationships too.
You just have to take the chance OP and you have to understand, your bitter old mom just wants to live a life she never had through you. Time to live your life for you and not take the bullshit she says to heart. If she wants a GQ model then it's time she put on a bit of makeup, a low cut top and went out and got one. You have to live your life to make you happy, not her. You're not her second chance at a better life OP, you're her daughter.
Take a chance.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (25 November 2012):
 It sounds like you've set high standards for what you want to be, and because you aren't meeting them, you expect someone else to... By them meeting those standards, it makes you feel like the person you were with would make you worthy of being with them, in turn, making your ego huge... and making you feel like you've reached the expected standard for yourself...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): I don't want to seem like I'm trying to invalidate your feelings, but you said yourself you want to "change this mindset". The first thing to realize is how backwards your mindset is. Typically girls want to be the prettier one in the relationship. This isn't just something people say, this is backed by science http://www.livescience.com/7483-beautiful-women-marry-attractive-men.html
The second thing you want to do is something you've already done; think of the consequences of not changing. You're going to grow old without the companionship of anyone but your mom and your cats. You're gonna miss out on some really fun things. Right now you have "request from guys in your area", so you are reasonably attractive. But when you get older those request will dry up. If you don't change now it will be 100 time harder later in life.
Now your mom will be a problem. When someone of that age habitually criticizes something (doesn't matter what) they will never stop. You have to accept the fact that she will never be totally happy with a potential mate of yours, and no matter who you bring home she will compare them with Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. If you can't do that then you should stop by your local kitty shelter.
As far as what are the nitty gritty mechanics of what you should do? That's actually easy since you're a reasonably attractive young female. Accept the request from one of these chaps to get together. Just make sure its in a setting where you can drink copious amounts of alcohol. Then let nature run its course. If that doesn't work try a different chap. Rinse and repeat. Hell, you don't even need to do that. Just go somewhere where you can get drunk and talk to guys. It's that easy.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (25 November 2012):
Hi dear,your biggest problem doesn't seem the relationship towards men, but the relationship with your mother and yourself. It sounds like you had some horrible moments in your life. And I can understand somehow that if you torture yourself so much about beauty and perfection, it will be hard to accept someone elses "flaws". So, start by developing love for yourself and your weaknesses. They only make you human, which is a good thing. Perfection is for robots.IF you love yourself and develop self confidence, you can make your own standards of what is beautiful and loveable. And if you see someone "fat" or "ugly", hey, think about it: this person is as valuable as you and everybody else, has the same right to be on this earth and pursue his happiness. As long as you're still trying to prove yourself and your mother that you're beautiful and that you can date the most beautiful men, this isn't going to work out. It's not YOUR game that you're playing and it's not about your happiness or your values. If I was you, I'd try to get back on track, try to get an apartment of my own and a long break from mum. Also, a therapy sounds like a good idea. I'd bet that once you feel happier with who you are and listen to your inner voice (not the overly critical voice of your mother in your head), then you will be more accepting of others.
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