A
male
age
41-50,
*onka1000
writes:Like most guys I know, its not the easiest thing to talk about feelings. I have been struggling with this for a while and has grown more and more to bother me. Hate to divulge that my wife cheated about a year ago but its part of the thorn. She says nothing happened but pics I found suggest otherwise. I did counseling, much to my disgust. After a few sessions the counselor said I was all set and let me go on my way but something seems off still. My dilemma: When we are apart I miss her and wish to be close to her. When we are together I physically have to force myself to kiss her back when she kisses me on the lips. This has gotten worst during the past year and I'm thinking its some unresolved issue I have but have not figured out. Wondering what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): If your wife won't even be honest then nothing has been solved at all. The therapy has merely made you stop complaining about the mistreatment you are getting.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 October 2017):
You are married to a cheat and a liar. You had a very bad counselor apparently and now you’re stuck in a marriage with a woman you “love?” but cannot trust. Of course you’re conflicted.
You need to find another therapist. One who can either help you forgive your wife even though she continues to lie, which is a big ask or can help you figure out why you to stay with this woman.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (28 October 2017):
 What you have to realise is that the relationship you had is over. Whether you can rebuild a new relationship with this person, who is now not the person you once believed in, is for you both to decide.
If you want to rebuild, then perhaps going to a relationship counsellor would be a way forward. Doing nothing is not an option if you want your partnership to survive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): The problem with cheating inside a monogamous relationship is the deliberate betrayal of trust that requires some well thought out prior deception and an off the cuff aptitude to make the deceived partner believe that everything is alright.
This kind of gaslighting makes the deceived partner misjudge their own intuition and feelings because they keep getting contradictory feedback.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (28 October 2017):
This is entirely due to the fact that your wife has not told you the whole truth. She has told you a half truth and has not owned her infidelity- how can you forgive her when she has not really admitted what she did. Your conscious mind knows this, and is for whatever reason allowing it to slide but your subconscious won't. You need to make her admit what she did, only then will you come to terms with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): Your feelings for her died when she cheated. And you just can't get them back.Things will never be the same ever again.Deep down, you will always resent her for what she did to you and you have emotionally disconnected from her. You will never trust her again and you don't ever want to go thru that kind of pain ever again. You will never feel safe placing your heart in her hands again.You miss her because you miss the person she used to be before she cheated. You miss the happy times. The times she made you feel loved. Safe. You wish you could go back to the beginning when you were both so in love and you could never imagine her being capable of doing something like this. It is the fear of being alone. Of the unknown. Of having your whole life as you knew it being blown apart. Having to go thru the pain of divorce. You are seeking a calm place in the storm. The safe haven of memories to shield you. Only that they have now been obliterated by her actions.You are prolonging the inevitable.Your relationship will likely never recover. Some people can forgive a cheating spouse but most can't. And even if they forgive, could they ever forget?You would be living in fear of every guy who crossed her path. Innocent smile? Was it flirting or was she just being nice? When you have a fight or things get tough again, how is she going to cope? Will she act out? Seek another escape? Would you be able to handle feeling like you're just a sitting duck?It's not that the other guy was better. He just swept in and took advantage. That would be easy for any guy roping in a vulnerable woman. Marriage is hard work and it requires a commitment day after day after day. It isn't always fun and games. The other guy masquerades as her saviour. The guy who takes her away from real life and her problems for awhile. Again, easy to do when they aren't married to her. So don't beat yourself up over that. She made the decision to cheat and this is her fault and her mistake.I think by what you have said, being unable to kiss her back, it is too late. You have already left the relationship emotionally.So you need to decide whether you can keep going thru the motions for the rest of your life and stay in a dead marriage or acknowledge that the damage is now done and move on.It isn't easy to end a marriage but neither is living a lie.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (28 October 2017):
 Well, your life partner who you've given all of your love and trust has given you a reason to doubt her. Betrayal stabs like a blade. You're hurt and humiliated. Things like that don't fly out of head overnight. However, holding on to the hurt and resentment doesn't help either. You have to be the bigger person and forgive her. It clearly won't be easy but she must be hurting too. Are you sure you're being the loving husband you need to be? Are you expressing certain details about yourself and feeling to her when necessary. Women tend to "cheat" when something emotional is missing from the relationship. You yourself said you don't talk about feelings. Maybe you should look into that. Its possible that she could feel alone around you. Try and remember the reason why you married this woman and aim to bring those feelings to the front of your find. If the problems persist talk to a therapist or a friend, or you could even talk to her. Maybe you could consider getting some space for a bit.You need to think about your marriage but you also need to think about yourself too. All the best.
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