A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry that this is long but heres the thing. When I was a sophomore in highschool I met my first real boyfriend Jason. Its clear to me now that the signs were big that he was no good but I fell for him anyone. We dated for nearly three years but it ended badlY because al he wanted was to have sex or do sexual acts. I never had sex with him but I did do things with him at first, to his begging but I never thought to red flag it. We also fought alot. He ended up cheating on my six months in but I forgave him. Another redflag The as time when on, he became more and more obssessed with doing those acts. I refused and fights ensued. In the end he left me for other girls that were willing to do things. And last ive heard he's perfectly happy with a girl I used to be friends with who always wished for a guy like him and our relationship. She had no idea what went on. I found out she started dating him and when I tried to warn her, shes got angry and said he'd changed. He'd said that to me before and I knew it wasnt true. In the end, he's happy and im angry about it. Its benn a year or two since then and Im dating a guy named David and we've been together for over a year and we both love each other. The problem is im still hung up on Jason. Im so afraid that all David wants is what Jason wanted and it causes problems with intimacy and causes fights because he thinks I compare him with my ex. I dont know waht to do. It seems that, when we fight, that is the root of the problem. I love David and I dont want to do this to him anymore. What do I do? How can I trust again? I know I trust him but the hurt is always there. Please answer.
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male
reader, Tomas +, writes (12 February 2009):
hi anonymous,
two thoughts come to mind.
first, i think it will help you if you can get a more complex view of guys' attitudes towards sex. i'm going to try to explain it as best i can, but on the surface it is kind of like, yes all guys are interested in sex, but that isn't the right question. for guys it is this real physical hunger, like when you really need to go to sleep, or get something to eat. and you get all grumpy and mean when you can't.
but that's not the right question. the right question is, given that any guy is going to feel those things in his hormones, how does he react to it? because as real as the physical hunger is, the consequences of sex - emotional, health, relationship, kids, etc - are every bit as real.
to use that old vampire analogy, just because you want to drink the blood of humans, doesn't determine how you are going to act (if I knew that Twilight book/movie thing, I'd say it doesn't determine whether you are going to be "good guy" or "bad guy").
Part of being a man, and being an adult period, is learning how to square what you want, with respect for other people you care about. So if you are looking for signs of whether David wants sex, I can almost guarantee you that he does.
But the right question is, is he wise and considerate and caring enough to put your needs on par with his. Because if he loves you, and he knows that rushing into sex would hurt you, then those consequences should be weighed against the pleasure he would feel.
I'm saying if you look for the sex-hunger, when you find it you'll be disappointed and mistrustful. If you understand that it is there, but it doesn't control him, and you see that he puts it aside out of respect and love for you, then you'll feel the same respect and care for him.
That, I believe, is the right way to look at boys and sex.
The second thing, about the ex, is this.
I think it helps to look at yourself not as a single person who changes (or is supposed to change) over time. Rather, people are more like onions, something with layers. As time passes, you keep adding new things to who you are. The old stuff, and the old feelings, are still there. But they become an ever-smaller part of who you are.
But doesn't that mean that you can never fall out of love with someone? Well, yes and no. You love someone, and they treat you badly, and it changes the way you feel about what they did. Someone hurts you, but later you realized they were trying to protect you, and it changes the meaning of that memory for you.
But as a rule, I think most adults still carry around the children (and teenagers) they were. When they get on an airplane and look out the window, there is a little girl or boy who says "wow!" When they look at a yearbook or bump into an old flame from school on facebook or at a reunion, there is a little pain in their chest. You don't change, so much as you keep writing new chapters to the book.
It helps to recognize this, so that (1) you don't beat yourself up or think that still having some feelings you had before means that something was "right" or "enduring", and (2) you don't put yourself in bad situations with people from your past, assuming the past is gone.
The good news is that while we generally have some fond memories from every relationship we spend time in, on the whole we learn and get better, and the improvement means that if we are honest with ourselves and our memories, we aren't seriously tempted by the old relationships, which aren't as good as the current.
We have fun, make mistakes, hurt people, fall in love, have more fun, get hurt ourselves, get embarrassed, then get to start over with a clean slate and a better "us", with someone who is generally as good as we have learned how to be.
But we carry those old "us"'es around with us, for better or worse.
hope that helps.
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