A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I should start by laying out some of the facts- Fact one: My husband and I have been together for ten years.Fact two: I believe without hesitation that he loves me.Fact three: I have some pretty deep rooted trust issues. I have done some things I am not proud of, mostly involving the invasion of his privacy due to trust. I've read emails, texts, Facebook messages, even listened to his voice mails. I understand this is morally wrong and unethical. I just want to get that out of the way. Of course because I've had these bits of information I am aware of several times my husband has been dishonest with me. Some of these times relate to advances from other women. Fast forward to recently - my husband and I both work with the same woman. Granted we work with a lot of women because of the field we're in. He's close to her and describes their relationship as "brother and sister." She's younger than I am and lacks a good deal of life experience. It's in her nature as a person to touch others so I don't think too much about it.For a while he wanted her and I to be friends as well. I tried to set up times to hang out, tried to talk about various things, but none of these things worked out. A few months ago she cornered me in front of him and another mutual coworker about him going out to a bar. She said she didn't want to go alone and asked if he could "come out and play." The scenario made me uncomfortable as I didn't want to explain to other people that at that particular time we didn't have the money for him to go out and drink. He told me that day he wasn't going to go.The next day however when I was at work and they weren't he did go. He never told me directly however and it was my son who texted me at work to ask me where dad was going. As she and I were "friends" I texted her to ask if they were going out to which she replied they were and how excited she was. I was dismayed by this series of events. Now I mentioned previously that I had access to conversations through dubious means so this same "good friend" is telling my husband how much yet another coworker loves him, that he hasn't introduced me to, that they refer to as "Tits McGee."Not to long ago I was out and he was to go to work. I texted him and 45 minutes passed without him answering. I was afraid that he had either overslept or had an accident as the roads were bad that night. So I texted the coworker who was still towing the line of how she was my friend if he had made it in. She indicated that he did and asked what was wrong. I was busy so I didn't reply to her which, in turn, caused her to rush up to my husband and investigate the issue. This caused a huge fight between him and I where he said I was checking up on him regardless of how many times I explained it. I lost my temper and said that I could no longer be the friend of this coworker as it was obvious her actions were meant to cause issues.The fight between my husband and I took place over text. Which I found out later that he let her read. Some of that exchange was deeply personal spanning many different topics and it would never be anything is want someone I had to work with, let alone this person, to know about. As a result of all of this I feel betrayed by him in a way I fear isn't one that will be repairable seeing as when I telll him that I feel betrayed and hurt that he allowed her to read this exchange, thereby letting her into our relationship he tells me it's my fault I feel this way because I deserved it as I read through his things. To make matters worse this coworker also sent me messages later on in the evening telling me that she had read these messages and how obvious it was that he loved me and why couldn't I see what everyone else sees and how she felt like I was only her friend to get information on him. Strangely enough she then tells me what a "great person I am" and that she didn't "mean to make it sound like I was at fault for anything." I find this double sided talk to be distasteful. Of course now I seethe when I see her at work and feel that I have to accept their friendship as I am "the wrong party." Every single bit of this makes me feel foolish and uncomfortable and I feel as if I am not the priority for him at all.
View related questions:
at work, co-worker, facebook, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2015): I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it is most likely that these two are an office item and you are the only person not in the know.
You dont have to take that kind of manipulation off anyone!
But listen denizen has a very good point.
You could afford to hire a Private Investigator and i think it would be worth the money.
You might get some stunnng footage!
But stay cool.If you throw a mega hissy fit they might adjust their behaviour which will make it harder to get the evidence you need.
Cool, calm, collected,its all of little consequence now....and then snap like the venus fly trap you will have caught your man up to mischief and the evidence may allow you to comfortably move on to a better choice of partner.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2015): Although your insecurity issues have not helped, I don't think your concerns in this case are wholly misplaced. It could be that your husband was really frustrated due to your past insecurities and showed this coworker your communications. However, that doesn't justify his showing of your (you both) private conversation to a third party. I would be mad about this as well.
Her asking you about the going out for drinks (cornering you) in front of others including your husband to me seems inappropriate as well. But this is a context issue and unless privy to it, can't be sure.
I don't think her messages to you were meant to be patronizing, although if you have already decided she has ulterior motives, it could look like that.
Insecurity is never pleasant to be around, I would suggest that you need to trust your husband more and not pay much attention to the coworker. Be alert but don't let it on
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (9 November 2015):
 I'm inclined to believe the co-worker. It doesn't come across as double talk to me.
I think the little green worm of jealousy has burrowed into your head. You say your business leads you into contact with many women so obviously there will be some mild flirting going on with him. It would be stock-in-trade.
If you still can't get the feeling to go away then hire a private detective. It's always better to know even if it's not good news.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2015): Yes its like you & them and him
Not: YOU & HIM and them
You have to start over!
Get alone time with him, talk through everything, make each other number 1 again and never ask them where he is. Always wait for him to contact you.
Stop checking up on him, stop reading his stuff.
Faith & trust in him!
You said he loves you, let him show it, as should you.
Good luck, its fixable
Go back to when you met/make each other a priority over everyone & everything else! E
...............................
|
