A
female
age
41-50,
*ollyann23
writes:Before i start this post I would like to just say that i dont actually have problem with potential partners having children etc when you meet them but the problem is this.. when i met my partner he told me he had a child.. the mother of the child is not someone he was in a long standing relationship with but they did see each other for a while. through out the pregnancy she refused to give him scan photos etc and would not let him see the child when first born. up til now i have "put up and shut up" with the situation as my partner shouted at me when i first brought it up and told me i just had to deal with it. the situation i refer to is this... she now lets him see the child but only when she is there.. by this i mean she stays for the whole time he is seeing his son... and also started insisting that he could only see him if he went to her house to see him when there was no one else there. well i made my feelings about this quite clear and said no way... because it is quite obvious to me and others visible of the situation she is using the child to try and get him back and as a measure of control. he assures me he does not want to be with her and that whatever was go9ing on between the two of them was not in his mind even a relationship. as we all know men and women think differently about this and to her im sure him sleeping with her and seeing her said otherwise. now i am a very grown up young lady who is not one of these jealous silly girl types but this situation is beginning to piss me off now. because.... i have relocated from my home town to make this relationship work as he said he couldnt move cos of his son. so i did what i had to do and thought was right. i wouldn't want a child to grow up without a father.so i gave up my job, my life my friends, my family which broke my heart and my beautiful home which i loved to move as out of the two of us i have no children and as i say thought it would be unfair for a child not to have his dad in his life. trust me i know how much this can hurt first hand as my dad showed no interest in me due to havin a new wife and son. i wouldn't do that to another child. anyhow with the proble in hand being this.. i dont just imagine things or see things that arent there but am having to sit there while he sees his son with her present also. she does not need to be present for him to see his son and only started doing this when she found out about me. As you can imagine it is not the nicest feeling in the world having to sit there while they play happy families . I honest to goodness sit there feeling like the other woman.... it has got to the point now where it feels like i am one of two women in his life and i dont think its fair to be honest. What really bothers me is the fact that when i explained gently how quite frankly upset and out of place this is making me feel he jumps to her defence... saying "don't ever mention it again... and turns very nasty and says things like shit your f****n mouth" or "i will see her and you will have to deal with it" my first reaction was "well no i dont just have to bloody well deal with it." I dont know if its just me but this situation is getting ridiculous now.... every bloody week i have to sit there like the other woman while she's here.... i personally think it is wrong. when i s aid to him you do know you have every right to ask for your son to be dropped off or pick him up and see him on your own the answer i get is " no because then she will say i cant see my son " well for goodness sake why does he think that ??? a child is not a bargaining tool... which to me is what this seems like. either that or he is getting a little too comfortable with having two women in his life. i don't want to be part of that. i had enough respect for him to give up everything in lieu of him having a child and when i simply said "look i deserve a bit more after giving up everything that to sit there liek the other woman" i get ignored and am told to put up and shut up. the reason i am asking for advice is because i really don't think i am being unreasonable and have just literally switched on the computer after another day of sitting here like the outsider.i am now actually thinkgin that if i knew it was like this i would not have moved here and am seriously considering ending the relationship until my feelings are considered. why should i be expected to consider the ex?? i know everyone has a past but this is ridiculous.. and that's the problem.. she is part of the PAST and is slowly creeping into the present and future of our relationship. i mean the problem im faced with is when will this stop ?? he wont put his foot down and say he wants to see him on his own .... so shes obviously holding something over him.. in which case how long is this going to go on for.. this is my life and future too and as much as i accept and welcome his gorgeous son this is getting ridiculous. i do not want her in my life... our life. i dont think its necessary and can see straight through what she is doing. she knows this will be causing issues between us which is what she wants because she holds the child over him (so i am led to believe by him) as blackmail. the problem is now that what was a fun and full of laughter relationship is slowly turning sour due to this problem it means that a few days of every week are ruined by me being pissed off at having to sit there all day with her. she is rude and turns up when she feels like leaving everyone waiting around til it suits her. i really dont know what to do and can see no way out of this other than to end the relationship which is shame as everyone says they have never seen my partner so happy or in love, as he also tells me himself. it is breaking my heart and just need to know im not being unreasonable. all of my friends and family have said they would have not put up with it by cooling things until he realises she is no longer part of his life in that way. to be honest from the offset with her falling pregnant was sham.. it was an irresponsible result of the two of them considering they were not even in a relationship. i may sound selfish, but have welcomed his son with open arms and accept shes his mother but i do not want her in our lives to this extent. i dont think its necessary or right to be honest. i understand , accept and have been more than accomodating about him having a child...to the point of being severly homesick and unhappy by being away from my family... its awful.i put him first but my happiness matters too ..i shouldn't be expected to just put up with all this crap . relationships are give and take not just take. i am at breaking point now and am severely unhappy.. really really unhappy. I really don't want to have to start issuing ultimatums as im not that kind. but i am seriously at the its her or me point now.is that so wrong of me?? she may be the child's mother ,and i understand both parties are responsible for contraception etc.. but i refuse to have our time and relationship dictated by someone who was silly enough to get pregnant and then start thinking she can use the child as leverage. am i so wrong?? am i so wrong for expecting my feelings to be considered. you cant have it all ways my own mom even said to my partner "you don't owe your ex anything except to keep your part of the deal as far as your child goes, but as far as loyalties go , my daughter and your child should be your priorities.. not your ex and your child"honestly am i so wrong in all this?? i have tried and now feel i am just being taken for an idiot.thanks for reading.. apologies it was long.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): dear sugarbuns...THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU...."She may actually be trying to win him back and by getting him all to herself for a few hours each week, she's using whatever she can to make this happen." this sentence particularly the last part is my first and immediate most thoughts on the situation... she is trying to get him alone and manipulate him into going back to her .I think the arrangement they have with regards to child is unusual and somewhat secretive in my opinion. I would be very suspicious. , again sugarbuns absolutely on the money. it is NOT normal and even friends with children whose partners see the children have agreeed with me and said her staying for whole visits is unnecessary. i am present when she visits, as my partner wanted me to meet his child, and although i do not want to be and would rather be doing my own thing or for him just to pick child up or have him dropped off which is what the normal arrangement in this situation between people usually is. but as she stays for whole visits and wont leave the child on his own , coupled with er earlier efforts of " you can only see him when its at my house with no one else there" i have my suspicions and make sure i am present at his sons visits, which my partner always insists i am welcome at. she probably hates it but i was hoping she would get the message that he does not want her and is with me.. i don't trust her and firmly believe that the first time i am not present she will see it as a chink in the armour and up her game. i tired of all this to be honest. i know he does not want her back and she is simply a silly girl who has tried to trap a man with a child. however you are totally correct.. it is wrong and unusual. i told him last night i am getting sick of it now and to the point where our relationship is at risk due to it. we honestly have no other problems apart from this. she is becoming a royal pain in the asslove polly xx
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (13 April 2009):
 I think there could very well be more to their exclusive visits than just patting the baby and giving him a bottle. It seems like in their divorce settlement, there would have been some sort of visitation rights in regards to his son. Now I realize if the child is an infant, it might not be appropriate for him to take the child off her hands for a few hours every week, he may still be nursing and such. But there's absolutely no reason why the two of you could not go and visit the baby together. If you are going to have to get used to the fact that he has a child with this woman, she needs to get used to the fact that her ex-husband has a new woman in his life. Let's all be one big happy family. And this doesn't sound like the arrangement at all.
You didn't mention if this woman has re-married or is dating anyone. You didn't even mention if they are officially divorced. Because those two details could spell trouble. She may actually be trying to win him back and by getting him all to herself for a few hours each week, she's using whatever she can to make this happen.
I think the arrangement they have with regards to child is unusual and somewhat secretive in my opinion. I would be very suspicious.
You should perhaps tell him he needs to make other arrangements or you should move on.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, pollyann23 +, writes (12 April 2009):
pollyann23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi emilysanswers..thanks ever so muc for replying.. you are very right in what you say... and to be honest this has all taught me one thing as well... i never again want to be in a relationship with a man with children. im sure there are men out there with children who leave their partner in no doubt she is their everything but then again they probably also have no hesitations in telling their children's mothers that their new partner comes first on certain occasions . it may sound incredibly selfish but i want to come first in my mans life and have our first children together.. i don't want to be second best to his ex or other things. i never thought in a million years it was going to be like this. i know its asking a lot but if it were me personally i would have had no hesitations saying to the ex that she had to understand my new partner comes first and if she insists on being awkward he will go through courts in order to get access. even my mom who is the most dedicated person of putting children first said to me "you shoudl come first now" to be honest emilysanswers, i dont want to have to consider when she may be coming round in order to plan things... she is not a part of my life and to be completely honest i had no bloody problems like this before i made the stupid decision to relocate here. i will be completely honest and say that i now feel trapped.. i know as you just highlighted that the best thing for me is to be with my friends and family.. if im honest its when im happiest im from a close family and am not coping well being hundred miles from home anyhow. even when i get homesick and say i need to go home he is nasty and speaks t me like im acting like a baby " OH for god sakes you only been here five minutes etc " not sympathetic to the fact i need to see my family. i think its just hit me that in his mind i am just going to have to continue putting up with this ex being in the picture... i even said the other day well how long is it going to be like this?? he said ill just have tp put up with it for a year or so .. A YEAR??? i don't think so.... isnt the first year of your relationship surely supposed to be about happiness and cementing a great relationship.. all i can see is a year of absolute bloody misery. i think your right emilys and i need to think about what i am going to do. Im just sick of her and to be honest i think it shows a complete lack of respect for me to expect me to sit there with his ex. i would never put a partner in that position. its safe to say i don't think hes the one for me, which is very sad as he does always tell me he loves me and is kind and generous in other ways.. such as money etc.. but that isn't the important part of a relationship is it ?? xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): It sounds like a bad situation. "shut your f****n mouth" or "i will see her and you will have to deal with it"that is NOT ok for him to say! He can file for joint custody can he not? With the courts? Why does he assume such a passive role in this? Why does he let her dictate all the terms? You have a right to be upset about this and if he keeps dismissing that and even throwing his venom at you then you need to seriously reconsider why you are even with him.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 April 2009):
Personally, I would never be in a relationship with a man with a kid as the kid would always ALWAYS have to come first in his life. That is only right and I understand that which is why I would not chose to be in a relationship knowing I always come second.
The reason she probably insists on being there with the kid while he sees it is that she has seen a lot more of this "nasty side" of his than you have. She may simply be very angry with him for a lot of things you don't know about and then he buggered off and got someone new who he's lovely to. I wouldn't trust a man like that to be alone with my child. Would you?
I think you took a huge gamble on being with this man, and perhaps put all your eggs in one basket with him by giving up so much.
The way he talks to you when you try and discuss this is not just a man snapping, it's a man being nasty and abusive.
I think you have come to the point where you have realised he is just not worth this and you are better off back on your own with your friends and family.
Leave him and go and start again. It takes a strong woman to know when to cut her losses. But that is really what I think you need to do here.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): "I have tried my best and now feel i am just being taken for and idiot."If you are unhappy then you have to tell your partner. Sitting back and watching doesn't help the situation. This woman obviously knows you have a problem with her, your partner seems helpless in this situation. You must sit down your partner and tell him that you are unhappy and this is threatening a good relationship. You must also talk to this woman, tell her that you personally think that there is no need for her to sit and watch your partner see his own child. Your partner has every right to that child, and if by chance that she doesn't respond to sitting her down and telling her you are unhappy with the situation, you can always recommend to your partner that taking her to court is one option. You partner may be against this, in this case it starts to become obvious that this man has something over him, and this woman is impacting his decisions. I would personally tell you to try to resolve the situation by communication. If this doesn't work, then you may seek professional help.
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