A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I will start with a little information about myself. I seem to have this "savior complex" due to which I seem to be automatically attracted to people who need my help. Also, I feel guilty..ALOT. About three years ago I met this amazing female friend of mine who was going through a rough time. We soon became very close and I started liking her. She made it very clear to me that I was her best friend and she NEEDED me in her life. This entire time she has known that I liked her, but she chose to ignore it and would always come to me with the problems she was having with her boyfriends etc. It was all very painful for me to have to listen to her go on and on about some other guy, but I decided to stay in her life as a friend because I knew she needed me and had no one else who she trusted so much. I knew she was using me, both emotionally and physically (she would get physically close to me too when she didn't have a guy in her life), but I let her do it because I didn't want to abandon her and let her do something stupid (she always said that when I'm not in her life she loses control and does irrational things..and this was TRUE). But despite the fact that she was very comfortable with me physically and emotionally, she would not go out with me. Recently, it got to be too much for me and I told her she will have to find another best friend since this is way too painful for me. She cried and got really upset. Yelled at me for a while and asked me what she had done to deserve this. She also kept asking me if there was any way we could just say friends, and I told her no. But now that it's all over, I keep thinking about how upset she was and it makes me feel extremely guilty. Also, I know that without me in her life she will continue to do things that she'll regret later, and this sort of makes me feel like I'm partially responsible for whatever wrong she does with her own life. Did I do the right thing? Also, before leaving she did sort of hint at the possibility of a "relationship" in the future. Should I become friends with her again just so I can have something to look forward to? If not, how do I stop worrying about her? She has a boyfriend but she said she doesn't trust him or love him as much as me and wants me in her life. I just hate being the one who is taking away her only best friend away from her. Thank you for your advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): Many girls will play that game.
She knows your feelings and strings you along, giving you the hope that something might happen, but basically being a tease. No mature person, particularly someone who calls you their friend, would do this over and over.
That "hint" of a future relationship is to keep you off balance and thinking it could happen, because she knows she has your attention all the time.
I knew two that are like this. Basically, they are so emotionally immature and desperate, they get into "bad relationships" all the time, although it might not be the kind of bad relationships she wants you to believe.
One I knew, and got pissed at her gameplaying and constant half truths and deceit, I finally had to tell off completely. The other isn't hurting me, although I can see her hurting guys all the time. When she recently said "she was saved from almost getting raped", and she told me the story, there wasn't any way she wasn't able to leave of her own free will by her own story. she said a mutual ex-friend saved her from it, but she slept with one guy who had a girlfriend, then continued to do that over and over for a week after finding out.
She says she meets nice guys, but then breaks up and says they were not as nice as she thought and sex whores. All this while for the past two years she has been doing things to a friend of mine I found hard to believe, such as jumping the fence into his place and harassing girls he knew on myspace because she wanted him for herself.
I used to sympathize with her, but her outing got me to realize she is the same as the other female friend I ex'd. the only reason I don't get the drama side, other than being a cry-on shoulder, is because she has no interest in me, nor I her. she will do the same "complimenting" thing to me about how great I am as a guy, but realistically, all she has to talk about its lots of drama.
both of these can be called stalkers by law, and really smear anyone they dont like, but if you press them for details because what they say starts to lose believability, they will usually be extremely vague and/or make it sound less than what they originally wanted you to think. I think in the case of the second friend, my lack of reaction took her by surprise, mostly because she said how she almost got raped in such an offhand or perhaps even excited manner. excited to tell the drama that is.
try histrionic personality disorder for more information. They may not necessarily have the full blown disorder, but a person can still lean heavily into traits. And this disorder is as old as the hills.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Someone with Savior complex is someone who readilly helps/give advice to others whom didn't asked to be helped or get advice in the first place - "Saviors" are in fact manipulators; they try to get real close to their victim, get to know their most intimate secrets/fears/worries and sometimes use these secrets/fears/etc, turning them against their victim so that the "savior"can help out his victim and get a feeling of self-worth that the savior so much craves for. In reality the savior's help is not genuine, it is not sincere for he is trying to help himself through helping others and if he can't, he will make his victim suffer so that he can help her.Now your tale is quite different as you are not the savior but the victim. "Savior behavior" is one way to manipulate and control people. Playing victim is another. The victim needs a savior as a reason to exist. If there are no saviors around, she will create her own.Simply put, you were right to end that relationship.You may like to do a google-search on the Karpman dramatic triangle.There's also a good book you may want to read: Emotional Blackmail - When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward.
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A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (8 May 2007):
I found out that by disengaging from my best female friends' lives when they have a boyfriend, the end result is that they have to rely on their new boyfriends for their emotional support.
This usually means that they ended up breaking up.
I concluded that my presence in their lives was harmful in that it allowed them to prolong their bad relationships.
Disengaging may be the best favor you can do for her. Falling for her however is a bad idea. Understand that you love her and want the best for her, but that she isn't the right person for you... at least not right now. She has to learn how to no longer be so dependent in order for her to become a good partner in a relationship. It is commendable that you want to be there for her and have been there for her, but you need to remain aloof for now.
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