A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am deeply in love with this gorgeous girl and we have been in a relationship for ten years. I was born in a rich family and hardly made myself sweat for anything I wanted my life whereas she’s middle class but with decent education background and having good job now and she has got that far on her own. Four years back, I donated one of my kidneys to save her life and my dream of becoming professional footballer here got vanished and now running my small football club here as coach . But I am happy that it kept her alive and she would have done the same for me, so not a big deal really. However, I have nasty habit of taunting and making fun of her once in a while like saying wow you look hot in this middle class dress and stuffs - she doesn’t say much but her sad expressions make it obvious and feel guilty afterwards but still can’t get rid of this. But I guess since she loves me so much, she should also accept my shortcomings as we are not perfect human being? Few nights back, she broke into tears when I did this again - she told me that I take full advantage of the fact the she can’t live without me by loving so passionately and take her for granted. Seriously , I want to get done with this little proudness in my head, what steps need to be taken to stop being so proud once in a while? I would be glad if you nice people could help me on this ! Thank you all in advance! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 Back on September 20th, we had a similar question... and my answer to that question applies to you, herein. To wit:
"It's well-to-do people like you who make people of lesser means cringe. From your description of the situation, I sense that you would like your boorish behaviour to be validated....
IF that's what you'd like, then find a boorish contemporary to do that for you... you and he (or, she) can reinforce your behaviour, then sit around and ask one-another.... "What do we care what the little people think?"
OR.... you can develop some real skills at being a humble person who doesn't think that his means is a license to act like an a*s....
Your choice.
Good luck to the poor girl who has fallen for you. She deserves better....."
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 October 2011):
 Interesting. You are so unbelievably threatened by this girl because she has what you don't have. In one sense, you do care about her, or you wouldn't have donated your kidney to her.
But you are so threatened by her and so insecure in your own skin that you have to tear her down in order to build yourself up. I know for a fact that you admire her greatly and wish you had a tenth of the heart and drive that she does, or you would have never spoken about her making her own way into this world.
And that's just it. You know that she *can* live without you now. You might have donated her a kidney, but now she's free and untethered by dialysis. Now, you need to try and keep her under when you know that she has a lot more going for her than you do. Having a rich family hasn't helped you out in this world.
I am also a kidney transplant patient. If not for what my brother did in donating his kidney to me, I'd be dying. I'll always be grateful and owe him my life, but I don't owe him a lifetime of being degraded and kicked around. Your girlfriend doesn't owe that to you either no matter what you did for her.
I also know that your dream of being a professional footballer didn't get flushed because you donated a kidney to her. You may have fooled her and maybe you could try and fool others about that, but you're not fooling me. You haven't had to sweat, and being a pro is all about sweat and work.
So quit taking out your personality flaw on your girlfriend, or she'll catch wise and leave you. She doesn't owe you her life if you treat her like that. You have nothing to be proud of, and your insecurity in trying to tear her down will backfire, make no mistake.
So why not do something else? Why not encourage her dreams? Why not look at her not for her station, but her heart? Why not in the process quit blaming others for your lack of being where you want to be and start putting some effort into your life?
In short, quit wallowing in your own misery and self-pity. Her accepting your shortcomings is not about her accepting your abuse, get it? She actually can live without you now, because that kidney is staying where it is. So admire her and love her! She's really brave.
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A
female
reader, Miss.Me +, writes (9 October 2011):
 You might not mean the insults offensively, but she takes them as such. It's obvious that you love her, and that she loves you, so you need to start showing more respect for her. She should accept shortcomings that you don't have control over, but these insults you can surely control. SHE didn't choose to be "middle class" so you shouldn't be teasing her about it. And what's social class anyways? It's only a label constructed by society.
Do the rubber band trick like So Very Confused suggested, and also talk to your girlfriend and let her know that you mean to stop this habit and that you don't really mean to hurt her by it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 October 2011):
 put a tight rubber band on your wrist and EVERY time you even THINK one of those horrible terrible rude thoughts (because they are rude and obnoxious) snap the rubber band HARD...
and if you speak them.. wash your filthy mouth out with soap.
Do you think because you gave her a kidney you have the right to disrespect her and mistreat her that way?
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (9 October 2011):
 Keep in mind that you were born into a rich family. It was not your work, your determination and ambition that placed you in your social status. If you ever need to humble yourself (which you do), always remember that your socio-economic standing is based on your parents - not you, and not your work presently.Something that may also help your humility is to remember this: you're a football coach for your small football club. You don't have a power-status title like CEO/President, director, nor do you work as a distinguished academic. I am not saying this to be rude, but just realize that you're not that special or successful in the classic definition. There are so many other people that make more money than you if you're willing to be frank with yourself.Ask yourself: how much would I have if it weren't for my parent's money and their financial help? Where would I be and how much would I have if it were strictly based on my salary? I hope you can work on managing your hubris and stop making your partner feel like a second-rate citizen. Frankly, you should feel lucky that she has chosen to stay with you, despite the unacceptable way you're treating her.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 October 2011):
 Just because you have both different up bringing's and backgrounds does not mean you should joke around with her about these kind of things, I can see that you probably don't mean any harm but in her eyes it is you saying that you are better than her and it is coming across as you being stuck up. It can also damage her self confidence. She has worked hard to earn everything that she has you should be very proud of her and not run her down like this. This will start effecting her confidence. You say she should accept your short comings because we are not all perfect, that is true we are not all perfect but what you are doing is bringing her down and be littling her, which is going to upset her. One day she will get fed up with this and find the strength to leave you as you will make her unhappy. You need to work very hard to not comment about this any more. You and her are equal and you should not make jokes about her background or show off your own. You are both together now and sharing a life together so it is time to look at her as an equal to you and nothing less.
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