A
female
age
41-50,
*bsesdryoko
writes:I have this huge problem with retroactive jealousy. Before my husband and I started dating seriously, we were friends for about a decade. We are both in our mid-twenties, so we have known one another since we were kids. The adolescent relationships that we were both in are not what bothers me. I tried to date him when we were both twenty, about five years ago, only to get shot down. I thought that our relationship would be one of unrequited love on my behalf, because all my attempts to be with him ended in tears. About a year after I tried to date him (I may have come on too strong, I admit), he slept with my best friend. This happened three years ago, and a year after that we became a couple. He told me at the time that he was in love with me, but since I was in college 300 miles away, he thought that the closest thing he could get to me was my best friend. They only had a one night stand according to him, but according to her it was a weekend-long sex fiesta. She knew I cared about him deeply, and this was not her first love tryst with someone I had dated. After she did the deed with him, I was fed up. She had slept with all of my ex-boyfriends, and the guy that I was dating at the time. I lashed out at her, and beat her up. Three times. The problem that I have is that I can't get over my husband sleeping with this girl. What really gets to me is that he said that business about her being the closest thing he could have to me. That's bullshit, and I know it. I think about them having sex every day, and we have been married for over a year now. I am still mad about it. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets tired of going over this same issue all the time. However, I don't feel like I have gotten all of the feelings that I have out, and I don't get the chance to. I end up taking out my frustration in violence, and beating this girl up every time I see her in public. I feel like I am not as pretty as her, that I am not as good in the sack as she was, and that because I wouldn't sleep with him until he proposed to me that it was my fault that it happened because I wouldn't put out. I love my husband very much, and leaving him is not an option. I want to work through my retroactive jealousy and get over this, but I don't know how. I don't know how to get him to talk to me about this, either. I'm sure he's fed up with my belly aching over it.
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best friend, jealous, my ex, one night stand, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lina319 +, writes (21 May 2009):
 You welcome very much, and I am glad things worked out for you because you indeed are letting it go, good choice!
A
female
reader, obsesdryoko +, writes (21 May 2009):
obsesdryoko is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, Linda319, you are SO right! I talked to my husband about it (finally), and he assured me that I have nothing to worry about except for my own personal insecurities, which he also told me were completely unfounded. He reminded me that he wouldn't have married me if I hadn't been an awesome person (his words, not mine), and also told me that the fact that I wouldn't just sleep with him let him know that I though more of myself than just being a sex object. I asked him about that shitty comment about her being the closest thing he could get to me, and he said that it was a foolish thing for him to say, and if he had known the way that it would haunt me for years to come he would have chosen his words more carefully. He doesn't find her better than me in any way, actually, he has tried to forget that day since it happened because he regrets it so much. I'm glad I read your reply and talked to him about it, now I can just forget all this foolishness and put it behind me. I'm glad I can let all this crap go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I think you can't deal with the sex he had because you can't deal with the decisions and priorities that caused it.
THIS is what you need to work through with your husband now. It probably would not bother you as much if you felt like the man you're married to mow would not have made those same choices again today.
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A
female
reader, Lina319 +, writes (13 May 2009):
I will have to agree with what you said and say that the whole " I had sex with your best friend to get closer to you" is just pure bs nonsense! As for your ex friend be happy she is out of your life, but do not keep beating her up because that just shows your weakness. Even as ex- friends she still holds power over you. Do not react to her, ignore her as if she is a complete stranger.
As for your insecurities, do not feel you are uglier, incompetent in the sack, because if she was so much better, he would have married her, instead you are the one he chose to be with, if he gives you no reason to feel unattractive, or wack in bed, you have no reason to beat yourself up. As for blaming yourself that you did not put out, look at that as a great thing, you are woman with some class and respect for herself, dont blame yourself because of YOUR personal decision, if he really gave a damn, he wouldnt of gone behind your back and slept with your friend. There is no excuse for that.
Your best bet is to honestly LET IT GO. Sometimes we cant let up, and we wind up ruining a great thing. If he has no contact with this friend, he is into you, gives you no reason to believe he is cheating, loves you, makes love to you, etc etc, then you need to learn to live with the mistake he did... because the more you push it, the more you distance yourself from enjoying your time with your husband, and moving forward.
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