A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First off, a bit of background: I have social anxiety. I used to just be shy but its developed into a complete phobia. Its a problem for sure, but it isnt severe to the point where I cant go out of the house. The problem is that no one really knows the extent of it - people just think Im quiet but they understand the anxiety I really go through. When Im home its not that noticeable because Im around people Im comfortable around. But its getting worse and beginning to really interfere with my life and Im avoiding opportunities left and right. I want this to end. Im making an appointment with a therapist and reading some self-help (cognitive-behavorial therapy) books/worksheets. Basically I have to slowly face my fears gradually. I guess one of my biggest problems is my confidence/self-esteem. Im pretty average looking I guess, and numerous guys have liked me/hit on me but for some reason I still believe they are merely deluded. I also push them all away because Im never ready to let anyone in. So, to the point of my question. I went into this coffee shop one day and the guy was really really nice and lively and helped me and even though he didnt ring me up he made sure to run and get the free coffee card I got with my purchase. I know he probably was just an outgoing guy BUT I made it an ultimate goal for next semester to ask him out. Or rather, really just ask anyone out (in a place where I dont necessarily need to see them ever again).I dont need the "just ask him out!" answers, my social skills are seriously lacking. All I ever rely on is smiling and acting cute which usually just ends up with a confidence boost but thats it. I dont even know where to start. I was thinking of asking him which tea is the best to try. Not sure where to go from there? Id write my number on a coffee sleeve if he keeps the conversation going or seems pretty interested. Oh also, its not a very busy place so thats not an issue. Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Odds, you are a life saver. I posted this, and that was the best piece of advice I've ever gotten. When I go back to the city in one month I will be completely prepared. Thank you!
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (23 December 2010):
 I understand where you're coming from. I had pretty rough social anxiety until I was about your age - it took conscious effort to get rid of, too. Doesn't go away all on its own. You've done the right thing reaching out - even anonymous posts over the internet can help a little, if they're just one step in the process.
First off, don't worry about your looks. Guys understand that not every girl is Scarlett Johansson. Average girls get hit on too. They're not deluded, and average is not bad. It's genuine (and, if it is a delusion, it's one that's working out in you favor, don't question it).
Second, making the decision to ask a guy out puts you a step above many seemingly more confident girls. Take the prettiest girl you know, tell her that she has to be the one making the first move from now on, and in all likelihood she'll freeze up. Good on you.
Anyway, to ask a person out, you really only need to talk to them for three or four minutes. We'll use this guy as an example, but it could be any guy. You'd want to go when the place isn't too busy. Have a few questions mentally prepared (what kind of tea is a good one). Do you know any stories even vaguely related to tea? Maybe a very stereotypical Egnlish or Japanese friend who is a snob about how they prepare it? A cousin who mixes it with coffee to study for exams? Any topic you can tell a story about is a good one.
You might not even use the story. If you can get the other person talking, just make a few jokes about it. Encourage him to keep talking, while you smile, nod, and laugh as appropriate. Play with your hair a little (guys understand that's universal code for "I'm attracted to you). If you're truly desperate for something, anything to say, just repeat the last few words he said. So he says, "And then my friend spilled beer everywhere," you say, "everywhere?" and he'll continue, "Yeah! We had to leave before..."
You get the idea. Just offer to exchange numbers casually after about three minutes, telling him you have to run, wave and smile as you leave. Call him the second night after that, talk for another three minutes using the same technique, then set up a time and place. Best of luck.
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