A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We attended a job luncheon together and the field is dominated by women. Of course there was a blonde woman sitting not too far from us in a beautiful gray suit dress with her legs crossed and her chair was angled out from the table to hear the speakers. I saw her first. He eventually saw her and out of the corner of my eye I caught him looking over at her a few times. He had to swivel his head to the left in order to look. She saw him looking at her. I positioned myself and my body and turned away from him. I was disengaging myself from the situation. I was turning my engagement ring around and around my finger underneath the table. I was ready to hand the ring back--just my female emotions coming into play from all of this. I get so distraught and can't seem to calm myself down. Earlier he was walking in front of me and there was a girl in jeans bending down and I caught him checking out her a^^ as we passed her in the hotel lobby. After the luncheon he said I hoped I wasn't feeling threatened by these women since his field is dominated by it. I told him not to make it so obvious with his looking and not to do that in front of me. I also stated that I won't put up with it and that I'd be gone. He walked over to me and said you know I do only love you and that I was the only woman for him. We've had this discussion so many times and nothing seems to change and I always end up upset from this male behavior. I want to cry and feel like running away (again those female emotions-estrogen coming into play which I can't stand), How do I cope with this male behavior? I don't want to appear insecure.I think I have self-esteem issues "now" only because of his oggling. I use to be a confident woman and I thought a strong one, but I've never had this issue before with a man being so obvious in his staring. I've surprised myself by how I am reacting to his staring.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): If I caught my guy doing the head turn to another woman and having the nerve to do that in front of me, before I would get up and leave the table, I would throw a bunch of marbled eyeballs on that table and then walk away and not return. Let him seek you out. In fact, I would find myself a hot man and start a chat up with him and throw it right back in his face. Better yet, I would leave the premises and go back to the hotel room or be at the hotel bar and order myself a drink. You have better things to do with your time besides watching him watch other women.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Hi. I'm the original poster here.
Well, I guess I will be disappearing "a lot" by the looks of it with his ogling.
I'll start getting up and leaving when he stares, even if as a last resort to go to the bathroom and just sit in the stall for a while.
Thing is, when it's a conference, with speakers and you are sitting at a table with others and he is staring, by my getting up the other woman he is ogling will see that and others around me as well at our table or other tables when everyone else is remaining seated.
But, yes, it is best that I remove myself from the situation instead of being so stressed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): Next time he does this, just let him keep on staring. If you're in a room with people you know, quietly slip away and start talking to someone and laughing. If you are somewhere you don't know anyone, still slip away and start doing something else. Make him look for you after he's been staring at someone else. It will amuse you when you see him look next to him only to realize you're no longer there. Then you'll see him look around the room (or where ever you guys are), until he spots you. Turn it into a "game". Every time he does it, he has to look for YOU when he's done. It might even start to get irritating for him, so he'll stop doing it so much.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Does he stare or look? It sounds to me like he is not being disgusting about it.
I used to be like you, when I saw my boyfriend check out another woman in tight clothes or something I'd feel like crying. It was hard to come to grips with, but I did manage to get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore. I can even joke about it with him.
Basically the first step is hard and you've already started doing it. You need to look away. My guess is that as soon as you see an attractive woman you quickly check to see if your guy is checking her out and stare at his eyeballs for the slightest up-down movement. You need to stop doing that. You are feeding your own insecurities. Every time you look for him checking out women, your heart probably speeds up just a little. What you are doing is telling your brain "something is wrong!" and reinforcing that. When you see an attractive women, look the other way. Check your phone, look at the wallpaper, look at the ground, check her out yourself, whatever. Do not look at your boyfriend and don't ask him about her.
This is going to feel bad for awhile. Maybe worse than knowing he is. But after awhile, it gets easier and before you know it, the urge to look at his face is gone and you'll stop caring so much.
My boyfriend is about as un-dog-like as they come, he doesn't look at porn, go to strip clubs, and generally when he sees attractive women he finds something else to look at. However, he has this weakness for leggings and when he sees women in them he just HAS to look. But here's the thing, it means more to me or to you when your guy looks than it does to him. He won't remember her. Even just a few seconds later he's certainly forgotten that he did it, let alone what she looked like.
It's easy to say, why can't he just not look? But when you're walking around in the real world, it's impossible not to notice other people. It's just what our eyes and brains do, whether we want them to or not. I promise though, he's not trying to hurt you or get with them, he's probably not even trying to look. You just need to get the unconscious caveman part of your brain (we all have it) saying to be possessive to catch up with the rational part of our brains saying this isn't a threat.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 October 2012):
 By your report of the first incident with the Blond, I can see that you have become very insecure and defensive. The first thing you did on entering the room was to spot the major rivals for his attention, then you watched him until he looked. I think you are right that his behavior has changed the way you approach situations where there will be other women.
I had to make a decision like yours once. It didn't involve another person, so it was easier. I had put myself in a situation where I didn't like the way I felt (emotionally) all the time. So I made adjustments to my life. I removed the things that brought the anger and resentment into my emotional state.
Now you are approaching marriage. The dream of marriage is that you will be happy together. But, you are not happy when you are with him. You wanted to hand him the ring and walk out. But worse than that you are nervous whenever you are with him in public. This is new and you don't like it. I think you probably will be happier not being with him.
That isn't the whole story. There is more that we don't know. Some how you two have been together long enough to get engaged. There must be some positive attributes that this guy has. Those need to be thrown onto the balance before you decide. My one caution to you is not to put too much value on your investment in the relationship. The marriage will not stay together on momentum. You need to be happy.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 October 2012):
 I think I would explain to him the difference between starring/ogling and looking. Look up the sec second rule.
And then I would try and see if he can keep the ogling to a minimum, however, you HAVE to remember that JUST because you two are engaged and ready to marry he hasn't LOST his eyesight and didn't lose the urge to look at other women.
I think YOU interpret him eyeing other women as YOU are not good enough, or pretty enough or what ever enough for his, thus he looks at other. I think he looks to look.
He sees a NICE car, he will OGLE
He sees a NICE boat, he will OGLE
He sees a pretty girl, he will OGLE - it actually has nothing to do with you. Or how you look or even HOW he feels about you.
He likes to look at good-looking thing. He just isn't very tactile about it when it comes to women. Maybe if you explain WHY it upsets you and the 3 second rule he MAY pay more attention.
I admit if I see a hot guy I will look too and I'm happily married for over 14 years. But a hot guy is still a hot guy and pleasing to me eyes. It doesn't mean I'm not attracted to my husband or want to replace him.. I just find the guy pleasing to look at. However..... I do no ogle lol!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Not all men stare. they may LOOK but it's not obvious and upsetting....
IF your guy is one that stares and it is obvious that he's staring at other women and you have told him it bothers you and yet he can't stop... then you may have to break the engagement and end the relationship...
My man stares. He does the exorcist neck thing... he stares so hard... I laugh... every "woman" he stares at is young and not really obtainable... I liken it to looking at a moving painting... and yes he can be a dog about it but I guess at my age I expect it from him....
as I've told him, "I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home"
I can totally understand how it would be upsetting to you.
I just don't see a way to make him stop... so you have two options...
1. learn to live with it and know that no matter who he looks at (which looking is free and while it can be rude it's not illegal nor is it cheating in my opinion) he's coming home to you each night
or
2. break the engagement and end the relationship and find a man who isn't such a dog about women... (yes I admit my man is a dog about it)
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