A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently come out to myself and close friends as Bisexual but I haven't to my family. They are not outwardly homophobic but are generally full of micro-agressions and ingrained prejudices. My grandparents are super homophobic and would probably never speak to me again. So naturally it's a bit scary. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (23 November 2015):
Yes, it is good advice not to make a declaration until you have a same-sex partner you'd like to introduce. If family and friends already like that person it could make things a lot more comfortable.
I'm for not telling you grandparents if there is a large chance that they will disown you. You can make friends but not grandparents. It is not worth giving them some information if it means you are losing them.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 November 2015):
 My advice is that you don't need to explain yourself to people who are bigoted or homophobic or otherwise prejudiced.
Just live your life. If they love and care about you, they will eventually realise that what you want and make happen is best for you.
And just as a reminder to you, the same goes for you. :)
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (23 November 2015):
 Firstly, it is great that you are finding out who you really are and sharing this with your friends, and hopefully your family.
What you have to remember is that the world of sexual preference has changed a lot in the last 100 years. A lot of views, opinions, and accepted behaviour now, would not have been thinkable when your grandparents were growing up - and it is during the formative years when many personal opinions and beliefs are formed. Looking at things aside from sexuality - think about women's right to vote, racial discrimination, acceptance to university and grammar schools.... many of these things were still very much contentious issues even 40 years ago.
When your grandparents were your age, homosexuality was still considered to be a criminal offense, and anything other than heterosexual behaviour was very much considered to be a fringe and odd thing. It happened but it just wasn't spoken about. Society has changed a lot since then, and we are far more enlightened.
My Uncle came out as gay when he was in his 40's, having been married and having a child. Needless to say it was a bit of a shock for my grandparents, who were teenagers during the war and had been brought up in an era where "men were men and not wusses". Their first real encounters with homosexuality were the massive Aids campaigns of the 80's. It took a long time for them to get their heads round the bombshell. Being from such a different generation they just didn't understand, and their primary concern was that he would get ill.
Sadly, my uncle forgot that his announcement was not just about him, and took their shock as "homophobia". He assumed it was a personal attack, that they were snubbing him, and that they were disapproving. All because they were not instantly accepting of his new life choices. He had a massive strop and didn't see or speak to them for 10 years.
What he didn't realise is how much they didn't care about his sexuality. It was just so out of their normal comfort zone. They were just in total shock and didn't know how to respond. Every year my nan sent him birthday cards, letters, christmas presents. They tried so hard to get in contact, and to regain the family ties. No response. I don't know what he wanted them to do, grovel perhaps? He was incredibly bitter about being gay. His way of coming to terms with it was by taking it out on his family, the people who loved him the most, warts and all. He wouldn't back down from his position because of pride.
It took the death of my grandparents for him to see sense, and it has been a long road mending bridges. it really was a very sad situation.
I think what I am trying to say is that life is short. You are 'assuming' that your grandparents will react a certain way - but they might suprise you. You are a bit younger than me, so your grandparents may well be more liberal than you realise (oh yes, I am sure they have stories to tell from the 60's!) Yes, no doubt it will be a shock for them, and they probably won't understand, but give them time and they will come round. Ultimately you are their granddaughter and they love you.
Acceptance goes both ways, have faith in them, and they will have faith in you.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2015):
 Don't come out to your grandparents. What you prefer sexually is not any of their business. If you at some point get a GF then go from there.
Do yo have a partner at the moment? If not... Then relax a little bit. If you don't think your parents will handle it well I'd suggest to sit on it a little while longer. One step at a time. Adjust to your friends know and when THAT feels comfortable consider your parent next.
Remember you CAN NOT change who they are and how they think, nor can you control it. ALL you can control is how you react to it.
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