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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys!What can one do when the life they built is no longer the life they want?A year ago, I managed to step out of a very toxic friendship. At that point, what I had long suspected to be true became apparent to me - that friend was not a real friend, that's true, she was using me, manipulating me, lying to me... BUT she was only a consequance of who I was. I was tollerating her behavior because I was who I was. And she's by far the most extreme example of what I was able to accept, but she's by no means the only one.I had a very strong and strict mother. In many ways I was lucky and I am grateful to her. But, she raised "a good kid", who never questioned her authority and avoided conflict. And " a good kid", I stayed. I have no problems with entering a conflict with my husband, BUT I never do anything I say I would. So things I don't like just go on and on... He's not a bad man, but he has no problem with me doing everything around the house. I say would like him to do his share and that I would stop doing everything. I never do. When he doesn't step up, I pick up the slack.At work, it's even worse! I have always ALWAYS accepted positions bellow my educational level and experience. Or I would accept to be paid peanuts for all the hard work. I have never ever asked for a raise. I have always worked for a minimum wage with two degrees and over 20 years of experience. How crazy is that?!I know it's wrong. I just don't have the tools to do something about it. I dread unpleasentness and conflict. By nature I am not agressive, so I'm not affraid that I would say or do something rash. I just feel so blocked by the very idea of fighting for myself.I work two jobs and they are both badly paid. I'll finish the projects in September and there will be probably a moment in June or late August when I should discuss my position, my future and my salary with my bosses. Guess what? I have no idea what to do and how to do it! I keep seeing things from their PoV, not mine. I know that they don't have big budgets at their disposal and that's why I have started looking for another, potentially better job. But knowing myself, I would probably end up being overworked and underpaid again.So, what do I do?Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2022): I meant to say:
"Even it if it's really just [having] anxiety about not always being liked, or receiving approval."
"[Things] change when they have an epiphany; and when enough is enough."
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): People who do nothing but put themselves down develop a complex; and they become the loser they've convinced themselves that they are.
I think you need to learn what the word conflict really means. Addressing issues and keeping order in your life is how you avoid conflict. Not just lying down and letting people walk over you; and whatever happens happens. If you have to defend your position on things, it is because someone or some issue is out of order. You can't always be nice; or you'll end-up depressed and abused. That leads to bitterness and despair. You cannot be submissive in every situation; because it turns out worse than standing up for yourself. I guess you're here, because you've learned that to be the case.
Telling people to just stand-up for themselves is easier said than done; and after a lifetime of conditioning themselves to avoid conflict at all cost. Even it if it it's really just anxiety about not always being liked or receiving approval. When most situations you've described don't usually lead to conflict. You fear disagreement like being shot with a gun. You become like this, when a person has programmed themselves to resist all forms of advice and any suggestion that requires them to be assertive. You waste time and advice on people who make themselves like this; because they won't put it into practice. They'll ask for advice they'll never execute.
Thing change when they have an epiphany; and when enough is enough. They rarely listen to advice like ours.
You have to support yourself. You have bills to pay, and stuff you want to do. Use your common sense. If you are trained and qualified for a job; then apply for what you're experienced and qualified for. Why would you settle for anything less? That's not a rhetorical question. I'm asking you straight-up! You've called-out all your flaws and weaknesses; so it is evident that you're cognizant of them. So what's the deal?
People don't have a lot of pity to dish-out these days; so that leaves you forced to survive all the same. I suggest you do something about your spiritual-life. Connect with God Almighty. If you were raised to attend a place of worship, and to have faith. Revisit and incorporate prayer, faith, and worship into your life. When the soul is starved, and the spirit is empty; it creates sadness, and depression. You need God to fill that void. Most people scoff at this kind of advice; but it's up to you to take-it, or reject it. I've offered what works for me, and maybe it will work for you. I'm a Christian, and that's what works for me.
You do need to consider a life-coach, or enrolling in a professional training-program in assertiveness.
You are over 40, which means you've spent half of a human lifetime putting yourself down.
Self-degradation is difficult to reverse; when you've been putting all your energy into it that long. It might take some counseling and therapy to undo what you've spent so long conditioning and infusing into yourself.
Woe is you! Maybe you had some harsh parenting, and they made some very strict rules to live by. You may have been somewhat emotionally-abused in your childhood; but you can't live a life stuck in your childhood, and forever blaming everything on the past.
You live in the present, and the future isn't here yet. You start in the present, and work your way forward. Let the past fade into oblivion. Remember only what improves and innovates, or keeps you going. Forget what drags you down. If you dwell on misery, you're feeding it your energy, that usually keeps you stuck in a bad-place. You see nothing but the darkness; because you've chosen to shutout the light. All because of the past, and you've taught yourself you want everybody to like you; so now you're a martyr. Self-designed for abuse, and to be taken advantage of. Why? What's in it for you in doing that? Introspect on that.
I've said all that can be said. Stop putting yourself down. Stand-up for yourself and deal with the pushback; even when it makes you feel uncomfortable. It takes practice.
Take a job you know you will like; and stop settling for jobs you don't like, because you're basically lazy, or fear a challenge. Stop wasting your time and energy, and resolve yourself to change. Promise yourself to be good to yourself.
Then do it!
If you came here looking for pity and a pat on the head; sorry, but you've lived for that long enough. It's time to stop. I will put in a prayer for you. You take it from there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): You invest money and time in a good therapist. Nobody here is going to be able to wave a magic wand over this. As it will result in you having a much better life and more money coming in you will end up far better off for it, so hurry.
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