A
female
age
36-40,
*awana
writes:I married 3 years ago.i have 2 children.when i used to talk to my husband before marriage,he seems to be questioning about my character.and he always blaming me that i dont know this that and bla bla.but also i married him hoping that he will love me after marriage as he was promising me.but he never supported me when his mother abused me.when i questioned about it,he told you have to listen as she is my mother. now after 3 years,as always i feel that we have nothing to talk about ..sometimes he will not talk..sometimes he's gone to office,had lot of work and i am stressed.i will be begging him to talk to me..he will say just "then what..."we both love our children very much..unable to decide what to do... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 March 2011):
Hi there. It sounds like you had problems even before you decided to get married.
Why on Earth did you marry him? Were you pregnant? Was that the only reason?
He really hasn't properly severed the ties from his mother's apron strings. He listens to her when he should be listening to you.
When you say your mother-in-law abused you, I assume she didn't physically hit you, but verbally tried to tell you how to live your life and how to bring up your children. Is that right?
This can happen. Mother-in-laws wanting to try to help, but instead they add to the problem. This can certainly cause some friction between you and your husband. There are probably a few arguments over it, as well.
How old are your children? Are they babies or under 3 years, or are they school age (5 years and older)?
I actually think that you are being taken for granted by him, and that he doesn't seem to treat you with much respect.
In any relationship, both partners deserve to be treated with respect and dignity always. This isn't really happening in your relationship.
What you do need to do is sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart talk with him, (and if you could have your children minded, that would make it easier for you to do this).
You need to tell him exactly how it feels for you, the way he talks to you and then takes sides with his mother against you. Let him know respectfully, that it makes you feel like you aren't enough for him. That it makes you feel sad. He really needs to know this.
He probably has no idea that you feel this way.
You also really need to listen to each other when you have the talk, and don't interrupt the other - let each other finish talking before speaking yourself.
When you are having the talk, you need to stay calm, loving and respectful. You must not get angry or upset, because that will be counterproductive. We are looking for a positive outcome here.
This relationship (you and him), isn't really just the two of you - it's a trio. You, him and his mother.
So on the one hand he's listening to his mother, and then he tries to convince you that his mother is right, and that you assumably, are wrong.
No wonder you are having problems! It's no surprise at all.
After a while you probably almost would rather say nothing at all! Who could blame you?
Every time you try to make your point known, he howls you down saying that his mother's way is right and that you should listen to her! This is a recipe for disaster!
We are seeing this now, aren't we?
Does he think that you are an idiot? This is what I am meaning by he shows no respect for you as his wife.
He is after all, married to YOU - not his mother!!
He really needs to get his priorities right.
Once a man leaves his parents' home to get married and live with his wife, his wife then becomes his No. 1 priority - which is higher than his parents.
(1) No. 1 priority - his wife and children.
(2) No. 2 priority - his parents, family and friends.
In that order. Never should it be the other way around.
By the way, is his mother a widow or divorced? You don't mention his father.
Even if she is on her own now, it still doesn't give her the right to try to run your household, marriage and child upbringing. It is absolutely not her business, it's completely inappropriate.
If the shoe was on the other foot, I'm quite sure that she wouldn't have liked it if her mother-in-law tried to tell her how to live her life. But clearly, she doesn't think about that.
It's not worth having an argument with her over it, it is really up to your husband to talk to her - when it's just the two of them (at her home) - and politely let her know that she is welcome in your home, but she has to keep her opinions to herself, as it's causing serious problems in your marriage. She needs to know this.
I have a distinct feeling, that half or really most of your problems wouldn't exist, if she wasn't meddling in your affairs. She has no right to do that.
This talk with your husband needs to happen sooner rather than later. The sooner the better. Don't delay it any longer.
Take care and best wishes.
A
female
reader, pawana +, writes (18 March 2011):
pawana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank u cupidus..but still m confused
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Your first comment, 3 years married 2 children.
And mother inlaw abuse. You are not a victim here.
Take away the 3 years, the mother hood and the mother inlaw and who are you? Maybe the best conversations from this question will be your life's adventure.
Don't depend on others to fulfill you. You'll only end up with some ones ideas that are not your own.
You are unique, find that, talk to it, act on it.
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