A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have not been interested in sex in about 10 years; I am 44 and have been married 15 years. It started when our kids were young. I have tried hormones (pill and even testosterone) and I am simply not interested. Anyone else in my age group have this issue? I wish my husband would just drop it completely, we have done it literally thousands of times and maybe I'm just tired of it. Instead he is interested a couple times a week and would do it more if I would let him. Very unfortunately middle aged men don't slow down like some of us women do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (24 December 2010):
 Hi. I just want to add that I don't believe this is a gender issue, but an individual one. My partner is 41, male, and he is exactly the same as you. He has told me that he would be happy to never have to have sex again. He has been this way for a few years, it seems, and was only interested in sex with me the first 6 moths because it was new.I think sex drive is a very personal, individual thing. It is affected by many things, including personal value placed on the importance of sex, biological factors like hormones, psychological issues such as bad experiences, anxieties and depression. Everyone is different and everyones need and want for sex is different. The problem here is you and your husband have 2 very different ideas of how important sex is in your relationship. If you leave this issue resentments will build up hun. You will resent having to have sex all the time when you don't want it and your husband will resent the fact that you don't want sex with him. I know, I am on the other side of this. It hurts a lot when I believe sex is very important in a relationship. It is getting to the point where I am considering leaving.So you have to ask yourself, do you want to get your sex drive back or do you just want to have less sex? Talk to your husband about this. Is your relationship with him more important to you than being sex free? If sex is important to him, it is not fair to expect him to go without to be with you. You will have to come to some compromise for this to work. If you are willing to try to increase your sex drive for him, havce you tried everything? Pixiegirls suggestions are good. Go in for a full medical and search around for alternative methods like reiki, nutrional therapists or acupuncture. If you think it may be in some way psychological, try some counselling. If you love your husband and want this relationship to work, you owe it to him and yourself to work on this. Sex drive has fluctuations throught life, but 10 years is a very long time. If you really are not interested in regaining your sex drive, perhaps you will have to let your husband go and find someone who is and you can then find someone who has the same interest in sex as you. But you've made it through 15 years together so you must have a very strong relationship.It's a tough situation. Good luck :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): I agree with pixiegirls. You might want to investigate why you have lost interest in sex. You are missing out on a fulfilling relationship.
Don't blame your husband. If the tables were turned, you would be upset thinking that he doesn't desire you anymore.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 December 2010):
 I think it is sort of sad to see that happen to you. I sort of wonder if there is something behind the loss of interest of sex. Did you or your husband gain weight, become physically unattractive? Is your husband not any good? Medically, has something changed? Do you not find your husband attractive anymore? Have your tried being more creative in bed? I am also trying to figure out your motivation for posting this. Are you justifying your actions (or in this case non-actions) and hoping to get male bashing of "yeah, men only think about their penises -- they should quit worrying about sex after they turn 35" or are you honestly looking for solutions?I am not sure what the source of your angst is so I can't provide a thorough answer. Hopefully you'll give some thought to some of the questions I asked you. I think you are missing out on a potentially rewarding bonus of married life that ultimately can only make you and your husband stronger as a couple. You may want to read Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "Woman Power"Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): I'm married for 15 years as well and I can tell you that I totally understand where you are coming from. Basically, sex lost its passion and became a bodily function... or so it seemed... on his end. I wasn't the hot chick that drove him crazy turning him on. He had a penis that needed to be serviced. Gone were the days of desire, of me feeling sexy and desired... and it gave way to an obligation, a routine entitlement, a function. How boring is that? Cooking, cleaning, washing his clothes, ironing, and now his penis needs to be taken care of too. Not sexy. Not desire. Not lust. Men on this board describe it as a 'release'... as a woman I can tell you... who wants to be the vessel for a release thousands of times?No wonder women loose sexual desire... because in truth... it is no longer about desire, is it? He doesn't desire you... therefore you don't desire him... for him it's sex. Who wants to be a sexual functionary? Not me. It isn't that I'm not sexual, its that I'd like to think that the sex between me and my husband has a bit to do with me. Me, not that he's earned rights to my vagina... me. That the desire to be close is about me, not him. So I believe that there is an explanation for loss of desire... desire wanes when sex is no longer about desire... Sex can become a chore. Just one more thing on his list. For a period of time I actually developed a bit of a chip on my shoulder... sort of like "Now, what else can I do for you?" Honestly, male sexual entitlement blows me away.So, desire goes out the window when desire goes out the window. I think you'd surprise yourself... if you were truly desired you might respond in a completely different way...That's why affairs are so popular.... however they are not the solution.
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (23 December 2010):
 With having lost interest in sex since you were roughly 34, might have a medical issue behind the lack of interest. At that age, menopause issues most likely are not likely. Losing interest in sex can result from medical or psychological conditions. Medical conditions such as pituitary disease, hyperthyroidism, vaginal pain all may contribute to a low libido. Psychological disorders can be depression, anxiety, and high stress levels are other known factors that can cause your loss of sexual interest. Getting a complete physical including full blood panels may help your physician detect an irregularity that is leaving you feeling this way. A psychological exam may also be indicated if necessary.
The key factor though is if you want to investigate why you might be having such little interest in sex, or your interest is in reducing the amount of times your husband shows interest in being intimate with you.
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