A
male
age
36-40,
*enjamin_1985
writes:I have no idea what I should do about this. After years of denying her feelings, my first love confessed how much she loved me. We originaly split up after she cheated on me and got her mate to call me while she was having sex with someone else. After this I couldn't form a relationship with anyone so had no sexual partners since and just got high instead. I had my opportunities but I just couldn't somehow.So she threw away her 3year relationship plus marriage in order to be with me. He didn't treat her great to start with, she confessed to working as an escort and having to "entertain" his friends. Anyway I didn't, couldn't and wouldn't have sex wiht her. It's not as though I didn't want to, I really wanted to but my first chance I did nothing. I didn't want to do the wrong thing or treat her wrong so I ended up staying on the sofa for the night.My next chance [this gets kinda bad now] I couldn't get it up for her, it worked fine until I was about to do it and then it just retreated on me! [what's wrong with me!] Next time she wanted me to open up and we spent hours talking about my past being abused as a kid etc and she wanted me to go back for sexI didn't want to, I was nervous, my mind was elsewhere and when she asked do I just not want to after everything I did for you I replied "no, it's okay, next week what do you mean what have you done for me?" She meant about leaving this guy and I didn't show any thanks or appreciation, she even said "look if I tell you this is your last opportunity and I'm going to look for someone else will you still not come back?" I still said no and even argued I understood for some reason when I didn't have a clue. She went off and after a few texts she stopped talking to me and had sex with someone from her work a couple days later. I've only just remembered what was said that night and I fear she hates me and is out to really hurt me. That she did everything for me and I did nothing. What can I say to her? How do I say it? I know she did really love me and after some things she said I think she's going to throw all my letters and drawing for her into the river in front of me. I just dont know what to say to her or how to say it. [have since stopped smoking dope]
View related questions:
cheated on me, escort, split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): Glad to hear. Take care of you first, work on you and when you are ready, you'll know, you can be a special someone to another who will value you and respect you.
Keep us posted.
*hugs*
A
male
reader, benjamin_1985 +, writes (29 July 2007):
benjamin_1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust wanted to thank you both for your help and advice you do so much good for the world!your right i do need to move on and maybe explaining myself to her isnt going to help this process even if the temptation is there as i worry i hurt her by rejecting her. but there was another solution to that other than her sleeping with someone a few days later and she knew we had plans for dinner at mine etc. anyway this could be never ending so i just wanted to say u guys really have been so great to me and my baggage i thank you so muchps-am currently waiting my assessment for the mental health team
...............................
A
male
reader, benjamin_1985 +, writes (29 July 2007):
benjamin_1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust wanted to thank you both for your help and advice you do so much good for the world!your right i do need to move on and maybe explaining myself to her isnt going to help this process even if the temptation is there as i worry i hurt her by rejecting her. but there was another solution to that other than her sleeping with someone a few days later and she knew we had plans for dinner at mine etc. anyway this could be never ending so i just wanted to say u guys really have been so great to me and my baggage i thank you so muchps-am currently waiting my assessment for the mental health team
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): NO, let it go. Seriously. She needs to recognize she has issues and sex parties...that's just too much to deal with and you have your life and happiness to think about.
When you get stronger, happier-you'll feel better and make better choices in partners.
You'll find that someone, I promise, just work on you Babe.
*hugs*
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): I think she knows you did desire her sexually, after all you have had sex with her, your inabiity to perform one is not uncommon, sometimes the penis has a mind of it's own, usually down to nerves, too much to drink or too much dope....and she knows that, too....I don't think this is your fault, I think you hooked up with the wrong kind of woman....she likes sex parties, what does that tell you? She is a sex addict, and emotionally bankrupt, she is damaged goods and you felt familiar territory having been abused as a kid, this does not mean that you have to be with someone like her or work things out with her, it means you need to work out things in your own mind about who you are, what you want and need in a relationship and how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship....all which can be learned even if you lacked them in childhood, none of us has a perfect childhood, or gets through it without some emotional and psychological scars, but you can feel better about yourself and attract a quality woman into your life, and learn to reject those who are damaging and unhealthy for you to be with.....again, you don't owe this chick anything including groveling and apologizing, she dumped you, thank god, and move on, get some help and learn from your mistakes.
...............................
A
male
reader, benjamin_1985 +, writes (29 July 2007):
benjamin_1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionone last thing having read that extra comment. maybe i should explain that to her, that i did desire her and i wasnt wanting to reject her that i didnt explain things clearly at all.it wont help much for me, with her telling me how great the sex is with whoever shes wiht now but may go some way to her understanding even if it is too late for us
thanx again
...............................
A
male
reader, benjamin_1985 +, writes (29 July 2007):
benjamin_1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni really thankyou.i genuinely feel better about this. the more i think about what you said the more it makes sense, her teling me over the fone about going to sex parties and having such a great time with this guy etc i cant believe i invested so much emotionaly in her.
i think the next step is getting myself straightened out with the councelling, its been nearly 2 months without dope n this is making me feel much better.
and to simply not bother with her anymore.i ponder speaking to her if she calls again to tell her how id never treat her like how she treated me, tempted with saying how i really felt,wanting to marry her [wow that would of been a big mistake] n how no one will show her the love and respect i would of shown.i still wonder if the four months we wer "together" was a long time to make someone wait. anyway i very much appreciate ur time and help on this wish there was something more i could do as a way of saying thanx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): It's odd as if you think about it. She may have set her boundaries, told him what she wanted and needed, and he ignored it because he reacted to her wanting to "change" him and she wasn't "accepting" of him. Where as she could have just been telling him what she needed of him, she should do that, he should want to do that and be that for her, and he either couldn't do it because he was emotionally incapable of giving it due to his childhood issues but handled it poorly, did not listen, let his own fears and insecurites rule him, and instead didn't give her an honest answer and let her figure it out on her own and she concluded that he didn't love her enough to afford her the repsect to hear her and commit to wanting to put the effort into supporting her.
Maybe that's why he feels guilt and remorse.
I think all of these problems are BOTH of their fautls. They have way too much going on insides of themselves that need alot of work and healing and they choose one another because they recognized something familiar in one another. They both enable one another to hurt and wound over past upsets and trauma.
I say...get yourself some counselling. Heal. Let her go. Having her made you miserable and it made you, in her eyes reject her. It would be wounding to any woman or man if their partner could not get desire for them, they would take it personally. YOu do need counselling so you can have a healthy adult sex life. It's not your fault and she is handling it poorly but I don't think she has the proper upbrining so lacks the skills to deal with it the way you need.
You both lack the loving skills because you both were robbed in your childhoods and both were denied proper love, support, caring, safe home environments.
Both let go of the other and work to heal and get strong.
Dude...if you honestly think she is not good for you and not supportive and loving like you need-personally I don't think anyone can be as you yourself are not a "healthy" strong adult-then let her go.
Please get some counselling and work on you and your happiness. That's first priority.
Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Words are cheap, from your description of what has taken place, I see no indication that she loves you, this is not a reflection of your lovableness, but of her ability to say what she needs to say to get what she wants, and when she did not get it, she dumped you and fast.....she was in it for the sex and the attention, she was not in it for you.....if she loved you there would have been nothing that you could have done wrong, except for abusing her in some way....she was married, she left her husband, and she did not want to be alone, so she manipulated you into thinking it was your fault that she left, "look what all she has done for you". Leaving another human being, another relationship is not something that you do for somebody else no matter what the circumstances were, she did it because she wanted to.....You really do need some help, you don't seem to understand when someone is not worthy of your love or your time, you need to learn how to set boundaries for relationships, you treat people how to treat you, and you have allowed her to treat you poorly....seriously, you do not owe this woman any explanations, she owes you one.
...............................
A
male
reader, benjamin_1985 +, writes (28 July 2007):
benjamin_1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirstly, thankyou so much your such good people lending me your time.wish i could find a better way of saying thanx.
i really feel she did love me, the thigns she said the way she acted she did so much for me yet i did nothing for her.i feel as though i am the one who pushed her away into the arms of someone else by not being able to show her how much i felt. she said to me cos i dint remember at the time that people who dont realise what theyve done or said are just dickheads and should be cut off.if only i didnt say what i said n jus went back with her maybe thigns would be different. i cant help thinking that.shes called me yesterday im still not sure what to say-if anythign at all! should i explain i just wasnt ready?or-just move on and understand all the lovely things she said to me wernt true
thanx again ur amazing
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): An additional thought, if you were truly abused as a kid, then it makes sense that you would think you are being loved by a highly manipulative woman like this one, this is not love, love is not a game of cat and mouse and mind games like the blame game, she is truly not a healthy person, and therefore, you need to stay away from her. The best thing that could happen is that she destroy your letters right in front of you, so you could say good riddance, what a mistake, I used poor judgement in trusting you, see you never!
And in short, yes you may very well benefit from some counseling so as to process this recent rejection and to make better healthier choices in your selection of a mate or partner....because you seem to have little self worth going on inside of you, or you would have seen all these red flags about this woman as your cue to exit.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): You both have been abused, you both have your trust betrayed, you both struggle with self worth issues, you both probably have abaondment issues. You both seem to be playing off of one another. You both expect the other to be the "healthy, responsible, loving, supportive adult".
You both need individual counselling. You both need to get emotionally and mentally stronger. You both need to realize that you are not responsible for your past, that you were innocent victims, that even thought those horrid events happened to you- you both are beautiful, amazing people that can do anything they set out to acheive.
You both can have love and both deserve it. You both are in need of some real love and support and the best way to get this is through counselling.
Both of you join a local group, get some walk in counselling. Help yourselves. No one else will do it for you. You are adults and you get to choose what you want in life. You have power, a voice.
She hurts just as much as you do. Both of your pasts are getting in the way of what could be a good love. The past needs to be dealt with.
You both are worthy of happiness, you both deserve it. You should be able to understand one another.
Unfortunately it seems you are both re-living your past by choosing one another in which you hope that the other will give you what you hunger for but because of their own issues, the don't and they fail you and the hurt just hurts more, and your " I don't deserve love, I'm useles" just gets played out over and over.
Both of you need to snap out of it.
Start dealing and healing. Love yourself. Get strong.
Counselling.
Best wishes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): This is what you say to her, "Get Lost you Bitch!"Seriously, read this again, this woman is a user, she doesn't love you, but she loves herself quite alot...she has no character what so ever....her husband used her as an escort? I doubt it, she liked it, and she is only interested in having sex, you denied her, and she threatened to find someone else and she did, she is manipulating you into thinking that you are to blame for her being a slut, she is one, get away from her now, and good for you for not smoking dope, it makes you depressed and unmotivated and gives you man boobs!
...............................
|
