A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So this is quite a long story. I have been dating my boyfriend for exactly 1 year last week. We have a long distance relationship and have from the beginning. We talk and have always talked allll the time whether through texting, phone, email and we see eachother every weekend. He has always seemed extremely into me. At the beginning he was very romantic, he always said very sweet things and was really emotionally open. He still is but not nearly as much. He drives 8 hours a weekend to come see me and is always very affectionate and caring and it is clearly obvious how happy he is when he is with me. He has said hes never been happier in his life. BUT about 4 months ago or so he came to my house and was crying and fessed up that he didn't think he felt the same way about me as I did for him which was a big shocker(at this time I had never told him that I loved him but have since). Anyways, we talked for many many hours, him bawling and pretty much came to the conclusion that he doesn't know how he feels and that he just feels very emotionally retarded, doesnt want to hurt me etc. On a side note, he has mother issues, has been oversees as he is in the army which affected him tremendously, and his past 2 relationships (both less than 6 months) were very bad and the girls did not treat him well at all which have also affected him greatly. It bugs me a bit because I know he loved them after just a few months and was really romantic and open with them so it gets to me sometimes. Pretty much he gave them everything and they were horrible to him. Anyways since then things have been pretty confusing. About a month or 2 after that he called me because our "song" had come on the radio and it made him cry. I asked him if he still felt the same way as he did that night he came to my house because I felt I had a right to know. He said he doesn't know how he feels and that he can't stop analyzing it and that sometimes he feels like something is missing with us. And other times he says he feels like he loves me but other times he doesn't and that he cant just trust how he feels. I have really tried to be understanding as I really do love him alot and we have a really good relationship. We can talk forever and we are always happy together, have alot in common and to me it seems really amazing. It just confuses me because he says those things and when he is with me he never wants to let me go, he is always saying how much he misses me and how happy he is with me. Anyways, once again just before our anniversary he fessed up once more and said he has constantly been thinking about how he feels for me because it was our anniversary, and that he feels like he should be romantic but he gets all tense and panicked. He proceeded to go on about how he feels so emotionally screwed up because he is always thinking about how he feels and he doesn't know and came up with the idea that maybe because he gave so much in his past relationships now he is just not ready to be that open and love again. So at this point I was really frustrated and a bit angry and said that I think if he is not ready then we should not be together and that we should break up. He got extremely upset and cried for a very long time. He said he doesn't want to lose me and that Im like his best friend and the best thing in his life and said even if hes not ready, he wants to be and that maybe he just needs a little push to be ready and that he wants to try. He also said that as stupid as it sounds maybe he doesnt even know what love is because he thought he loved his past girlfriends but look how they turned out. I said I didn't want to pressure him or force someone to love me if they don't. I want to be understanding but it hurts me at the same time. He said that that maybe he does love me and always has and hes just being closed. But then he says that maybe he doesnt and just wants to love me but doesnt have those feelings. He said he wants to try and that maybe the reason he feels all the things he does is just because he is so closed emotionally. Oh, and he also said that he finds it hard with the distance to be really close to me because he is just depressed when he has to leave me and then misses me when hes gone. So you see my predicament here. He has very contradicting thoughts and its very hard for me. I feel when he is with me that he loves me to death but he obviously doesn't think so and now its hard for me to just be with him because I keep thinking that all he is doing is analyzing how he feels. To me its like if you love someone you just know. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated as I have NO idea at all what he is feeling and I guess he doesn't either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): Oh these men of ours... How frustrating and weird they can be. I had something similar happen to me, but I actually have the hopes for you two.How he truly feels? I think he does love you. But something is confusing him, and making him feel bad. It's not you, but it could be the fact that the other relationships didnt last this long, and he is simply take back with how well this has gone, and is scared that it is too good to be true. Then what happens is that he starts to obsess, instead of relaxing and simple enjoy life and everything he has.You did good in saying you dont want to pressure him. Not so good in threatening to break up. I understand this is very painful, and sitting it out vs leaving with some dignity can seem like the options you have. But sitting it out might be the best in this case, as I believe he truly does care. Men often show in actions and not words how they feel. He has loved you enough to be in long distance with you for so long. Drive for so long to see you, and I am sure there are many other things to prove it. I think he is scared of his own feelings, and scared that he's doing you wrong by being with you.I think that trying to reassure him of all the great things you have, and that no one will pressure him into anything he is not ready for, could do him good and maybe help him get over this. When he realizes what he wants, at least then you will know 100% that he is true. Try to cover up your own feelings for now, and not think the worst. He doesn't want to leave you, so don't think that the love is fake, I dont think it is. But love alone can not help you through this, now is the time to show the other legs this relationship stands on. Be strong!
A
female
reader, shortone1  +, writes (25 November 2009):
 sounds like to me that he doesn't know what he wants and that you two should remain close because at this point i think he just needs someone to talk to and be close too. it would be hard for a women definently, but just stick it out and be the best friend he needs. thats what everyone needs is a best friend. especially one who listens. he could just be lost at the moment or questioning his feelings its hard to say with a man because they are strange and unreadable at times. but they never speak how they feel because they dont' know how we'll react.
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