A
female
age
36-40,
*abeen
writes:for 7 years i've been living in a lie in kc. i was living with a friend for seven years and did not work or do anything. instead of commiting to friendships or anything i hungout with different peoplee every weekend just asking them where they were and i would just go there and that's it, never even made an effort to get to know anyone closely just partying away. i did not have any real boyfriend or relationship with a guy either. i didn't have a job because my husband was supporting me but we had an open marriage and this is the life i was living. there was no investment in any relationship at all and no feelings were involved with anyone. 7 years later now i have started to work and i feel like reality is starting to now hit me. i have no friends or anyone not even a single person in my life. my family lives out of country and the people in my city don't know what my reality is because i don't have a fixed group pf friends and the life i was living was fake. I was not a friend to anyone and as a result no one was my friend. i feel absolutely lonely and empty. those who tried to be my friends i pushed them away because of my attitude i wasn't giving them any attention and just was very self absorbed. i want to change but no one knows who i am in my city and those who know me know i just use people and hookup with random people. i feel so empty and lonely there is literally not a single person who loves me and wants to be with me.i want to change and have a real relationship and real group of friends but i feel l like i can't do it in my city. i neeed to go out of town for that. i need to first work on myself and have a job and learn to live like normal people and pay my bills etc. i have a job now but i just want to move out of city and start a real life. what will i tell the new people who i am and why i don't have any friends and what's my reality? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): I think it's a good thing that, at least, you realized you were wrong in the past, and would like to correct your mistakes in the present. While I cannot speak for every one, and I am not sure what kind of damages you've done to your past friendships/relationships, I can't really tell you what to do, but the least you can do, is to apologize IF you still want to maintain the friendships (like the guy friend you mentioned). It's tough to tell the truth sometimes, it is up to you whether you want to keep the friends in your life or move on and let go of the past for a new start, but if you chose to move on, please don't make the same mistakes again to your new friends, be genuine and honest, and people will be able to feel it.For me, I would try to forgive a person if they feel sorry for what they have done if they show they are genuine and willing to make up for their mistakes. But I guess every one's limits and standards are different; we all get mad at different things; we also can't have the same standards on deciding whether or not to forgive someone's mistakes... that's why you really cannot expect someone to forgive you even if you apologize... sorry but that's reality... just prepare for the worst, because you might have done something that severely offended some of your friends (like their trust) and that some of them might not be able to forgive you or even if they could, there will be some "stain" on the friendship, to some, it can't be erased, so it taught us to be careful what we do to our friends and our loved ones, we all tend to remember how we get hurt... anyway... don't mourn over something thats already been done, start to change today.Apologize if you makes you feel better even if you are not forgiven because you have done something wrong in the first place.Have faith in life, and you will meet someone who cares and loves you if you love selflessly, when people feel you care, they usually return the favor, no matter in relationships or friendships.Hope it helps.
A
female
reader, sabeen +, writes (6 December 2012):
sabeen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat about with old friends? can i talk to them and be honest with them about the way i treated them was wrong and want to change. will they allow me in their life and forgive me if i'm honest with them? right now they donn't even beliebve what im saying i tell different things to different people. i made a friend who really cared about me alot and i stopped talkingto him and only called him when i needed anything from him didn't make any effort on my part. i'm sooo ashamed of it as he was a genuine friend who was honest with me and i was makingh fun of him behind his back and he found outt and stopped talking to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Just wondering, why do you think you have been "living a lie" in the past 7 years?
If you want to live a "real" life, first accept yourself and your past, and start to be honest and tell your new friends that because you hate the life you were having and would like to start all over again. I think people will understand it when they feel you are genuine to them, no matter in friendships or relationships. I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of.
One thing though, since you have not had any "real" connections with anyone in the past 7 years, I assume that there are probably many things you need to re-learn, as an "adult", such as sacrificing, giving, loving, forgiving, being honest and genuine, taking your own responsibilities, loving yourself... etc... it will take some time for anyone to develop any friendship or relationship, don't expect anything in return from anyone and don't take any judgment personally, there are always people who judge, just prove them wrong by doing your part. If you want any type of love, you need to work hard and get it, don't make the same mistakes again.
If you can't love yourself, you cannot expect to be loved by anyone.
Good Luck!
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