A
female
age
30-35,
*oelbrianna
writes:Dear Cupid,I have always been a smart girl, but I believe that I made a very bad decision. I met my now husband as a freshman in college. He sought after me for six months, but I began dating someone and did not return the calls. Well, after 6mths the guy I was dating and I broke it off. I was heart-broken, he had cheated on me in my house w/ my best friend. I was so in love with him. So my now husband was still seeking after me. Finally in January 2008 we started dating. He was so sweet, and cute. I loved the fact that he absolutely adored me which was unlike my prior relationship in which the guy wasn't that into me.The very first day we were together he spent the night w/ me, and never left. I felt so secure with him. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I didn't hesitate. But I always had reservations about the relationship. I just was never really that into him. I kept telling myself, that I would probably fall in love with him , but that it just hadn't happened yet. He definitely fell in love with me, and the first six months were great. When I had first met him he was a wreck, getting wasted and doing drugs daily. But since I would not allow him to do so, he had turned his life around in the short time that we were together. He said that when he was with me he felt no need to drink or do drugs. Well about 6 months into the thing, and I'm still not in love. He started having serious panic attacks, and started smoking pot as a means to self medicate. The use of pot and alcohol to medicate gradually got worse. He eventually got a place of his own, and moved out. He would smoke pot several times a day and drink daily as well. He failed out of college. He became reclusive, and hardly ever wanted to see me. He would just be lazy. All he wanted to do was smoke, drink and watch tv. Anything else stressed him out, and even driving would egg on a panic attack. I tried to tell him that I didn't approve of his behavior. But the more I disapproved the more distant we grew. Eventually he told me that he felt judged by me, and like I didn't think he was good enough for me. He said that was the reason he was distant. I thought that was just a cop out, so that I would allow him to act any way he pleased. Anyways eventually I gave in, and said that I didn't care that he smoked or drank, that I just wanted to spend time with him. I saw him more often, but he was always freaking out w/ anxiety or panic attacks. The panic attacks got so bad that he just wanted to be alone. It was killing me. Although I was still unsure as to whether or not I was in love with him, I certainly was attached to him. I often thought it was more of a best friend love then a passionate, Naturally shy, I was comfortable around him. I shared every thought, feeling, and part of me. After about 1 yr of dating I became pregnant. This was shocking, because I had been told by doctors that I would never be able to have children. When he found out, everything instantly changed. He knew that everything could no longer be about him and his anxiety and problems. He knew that they must turn to me, because I would need him more than ever. He instantly got over the anxiety and was there for me. He still drank and smoked, just not daily, usually only a couple times a week. It was such an improvement that I couldn't help but be impressed. My initial thought was adoption. HE SAID NO! He either wanted an abortion, or to raise the child ourselves. Of course I did not want an abortion, so I agreed that we could raise the child. We made a plan for work and school, and a life together. We said that after the baby was about six months, and we knew how things were going, we would get married. So when his mom finds out she says that we should get married now. We explain to her that we cannot afford to, but are going to save up so that we can before the baby's one year old. She says that if we go ahead and get married then she will pay for it. It was such a generous offer. And by this point I am extremely happy w/ the idea, thinking that my bf has changed for good. Plus I was scared to have a child and not be married. We agreed to get married in 4 weeks. So the closer our wedding day gets, the worst things get for us. I am still in college getting my degree, while he is working. The closer the wedding day gets, the more nervous I get. Although I had been sure at first, I am realizing that maybe I shouldn't. We are fighting a lot, and he isn't really being there for me. I am thinking constantly about calling the wedding off. I mention it the week before to my husband and he says no, that we cant do that for his mom who has planned our wedding. That I am being emotional, and that everything will be fine.Our wedding day comes. We have a rather large wedding. Our wedding night wasn't great, basically it was me doing all the work, he didn't even kiss me or look at me, he just got his. Afterwards he rolled over and was about to go to sleep. I shook him, and said, "Don't go to sleep, we were just married" he said "stop it, im tired." I said, " don't you have anything to say to me, like you love me or you are happy we are spending the rest of our life together" he said " you know i love you, goodnight." Well this quickly became a fight. I wanted to share the emotional connection of the night, especially since we hadn't had a very passionate time w/ the lingerie. He got pissed that i didn't want him to sleep. And we only had one night in the hotel. I started crying, b/c I knew immediately that I had made a mistake marrying him. He yelled at me to stop screaming and told me I was crazy. I then shook him to roll over and he called me a BITCH!!! on our wedding night. I really broke down then, I moved to the floor and laid down crying. He told me that he was going to call our family and tell them how obnoxious I was being and that he wanted a divorce. I finally went to sleep and we pretended like it never happened. Well now we are married. And I am miserable. We've been married for over 6 mths. All he does is sleep eat smoke pot and drink. He drinks 5-7 shots of alcohol a day, and smokes pot at least 5 times. Although he is the one w/ the decent job, Im the one who pays all the bills. He cashes his check and pockets the money and spends it all. I get a large amount of scholarship money and school money. Every dime I get goes towards rent, cell phone, cable, power, etc. Meanwhile he can afford to be happy by getting hundreds of dollars worth of fast food, pot, and alcohol. Not only that, but I am convinced that he is not in love with me. He never initiates sex, I have to. He nevers speaks to me, unless he is hungry or angry. When we have sex it is mechanical, no passion, no kissing. I am so miserable. I take care of my daughter, along with a full time nanny. he never holds her for more than 10 minutes. His anxiety is out of control. He no longer likes hanging out w/ other people, family events, birthdays, partys. I am highly social, but he won't go anywhere with me. I have to do everything I pay all the bills, go see the lawyer, do all the shopping. I go everywhere alone b/c he's too lazy to go w/ me. He watches football for 7 hrs sat and 5 hrs sunday. It takes over our whole weekend, and he thinks im a bitch when i ask him to go somewhere w/ me and miss the game. He gets very angry at times. He has no life, no heart, no feelings, no conversation outside of small talk. Therefore I have no emotional connection. I think everyday of being w/ someone else, or of being alone. I want someone who likes me, who wants to spend time w/ me. He tells me all the time that he wishes I would just give him space, that he's sick of me always being around. Which is hard, b/c i'm his wife, and we have an infant which requires being at home a lot, plus he has a new car and i have no car and take public transportation.When I tell him that I don't think that he loves me, he says I'm crazy. When I tell him that I think he really thinks those things about me that he says in anger b/c thats the only time he talks to or about me. He never says he's happy to be w/ me, or that he wants to be w/ me forever, or that im amazing, or anything even remotely nice. The other thing is that I am young, and about to be done w/ school and be an engineer. Since I'm highly social, and used to model I have tons of friends. Ive had over 5 guys whom are millionaires ask me to leave him for them. Im not trying to be all about money, b/c I dont care about it, I can support myself and my daughter just fine. But I can't help but love the thought of someone who smiles when they see me, or who wants to talk to me, or who enjoys my company, all of which my husband claims to do, but his actions don't match.So in conclusion, Im married, terribly unhappy. He hates talking to me. He hates "dealing" with me. We have been married less than a year and together for 2 years. But unhappy for 1.5 years. I want to leave him but am scared, im so attached to him. And I wonder if he does really love me like he says he does. I wonder should I just be patient and hope he turns around? Or Should I stop wasting years of my life, only to get divorced eventually anyways? ps- I have been dating, and other men are fulfilling my needs. I have no idea what to do.
View related questions:
abortion, best friend, cheated on me, divorce, drugs, fell in love, I love you, kissing, money, moved out, shy, smokes, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Hey girly!! WOW, well after reading your article, i wanted to say WELCOME TO MARRIAGE or WELCOME TO RELATIONSHIPS, since i am in a similar boat, but this is NOT THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. It sounds to me like you were trapped into this whole entire marriage thing. These men just don't quit, for him to fight with you on your wedding night is just terrible. I feel the same way about my 3 year boyfriend. I recently left for a trip and he didnt make love to me the night or 2 before i left, and we don't even make good conversation on the phone. It's almost like we want to stop in the middle of things and say "HEY WAIT THIS ISNT RIGHT"...Well, there are a few words of advice i have for you. If you do really love this man, you need to put your foot down and ACT DIFFERENTLY, HAVE MORE DISCIPLINE TO HIM, AND IGNORING AND NOT DOING THINGS AS USUAL MAY HELP ALSO. THAT IS THE FIRST THING I'D DO BEFORE LEAVING HIM. OR YOU CAN TAKE A NICE VACATION FOR YOURSELF THAT MAY WORK. YOU SOUND UNHAPPY AND DON'T DESERVE TO BE. I DONT SUGGEST YOU DATING ON THE OUTSIDE, ALTHOUGH SINCE ITS ALREADY AT THAT POINT IT GOES TO SHOW THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE ALREADY BROKEN UP WITH HIM. THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST I CAN DEFINITELY RELATE YOU ON THIS ISSUE... GOOD LUCK!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): When I read your question it gave me a lump because I'm in the same situation as you. I think that when a man loves awoman it's obvious and vice versa. You need to go with your gut because he's just using you and when you let him go you will give yourself a boost of self-esteem. You are young and to be in school and almost graduating is a good start for you to move on. Don't make the mistake and end up with another man (even if he's millinaire) because you have been emotionally abused by your husband you should give yourself time to heal.
...............................
A
male
reader, SV  +, writes (15 November 2009):
It sounds like your husband has severe mental/emotional problems. Best thing to do would be to get him to go see a therapist because if he continues like this, then youre relatioship has no future and you will waste all your love on him. Have you tried involving his family members?? If not then do that ASAP. It sounds like you still love him otherwise you'd have packed ur bags and left a long time ago. If trying to help him fails, then I'm afraid you'll have to move on. Good luck and all the best
...............................
A
female
reader, ineedlotsofhelp +, writes (15 November 2009):
Jesus.
He is abusing you, left and right and you're taking it. Get divorced, you are already dating. Why are you sitting there supporting him? He is an adult, all you need to do is take care of your daughter and yourself. Leave him and never let yourself get hurt again, one guy cheated on you and the next won't say he loves you or have sex?
Divorce him and move on with your life! Stop wasting it and be happy!
...............................
A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (15 November 2009):
 I think you answered your own question in the PS.You have already made a decision to start seeing other guys. This means that you are definitely not in love with this man. And by the looks of how he treats you, he is not in love with you either. I am not married, but I know if I was in love with my wife I would not have mechanical sex, I would not insist that she watch football with me for interminable amounts of time, and I would not waste her money on my crap. I am truly sorry that you are married at this point, but I think that the best option for both you and your child is to move on. Do you want to raise your kid with a potsmoking lazy bum as a father? Do you want to be stuck with this man for the rest of your life? You are young, and you do have time to make your life better. You even have men interested in you who can help you while you divorce him. He should count his blessings for having somebody as caring as you as his wife, not tell you he gets tired of you being around. I hope this helps, and I wish you the best.
...............................
|
