A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I split up almost a year ago. He had to move to abroad due to work. And, because of my work and financial position I wasn't able to go with him. We tried to make it work, but unfortunately the distance and the pressures of both of our jobs, plus some personal circumstances led us to making the difficult decision to breakup. I have regretted that decision everyday. I am still in love with him. My heart breaks every time I see a photograph of him. He is the last thing I think about each night before I go to sleep. Which has made sleeping this past year unbearable. We met up when he was home over Christmas. Since then, I have avoided all contact. Things aren't getting easier. I don't know what to do. A part of me wishes I could flip a switch and be over him, to have moved on with my life. But, I know that's not what I want. I want him. I have never felt love like this before. I'm not sure what I want to do. Or, what I'm asking really. I'm I best attempting to move on?Or, if I'm to do something about this, what would people advise? Thanks in advance
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): The futility of your situation has somewhat made moving-on your only choice; aside from saving every dime you have, selling all your belongings, and moving to be with your former boyfriend. That is, if that's what he wants. Not just what you want.
I hope I'm not planting some crazy notion into your head. I've had friends in the past who did just that, and ended up having to move back. Broke and jobless. They uprooted their lives, ditched their jobs, and relocated. Only to discover the one they thought to be irreplaceable had become emotionally-detached; and had let go long before they ever left. Not to mention finding work didn't quite workout as planned.
I know it's tough. You've convinced yourself that you'll never find love like that again. That isn't true. When my partner of 28 years died; I felt the same way. It took me some time; but I learned there is always love to be had; and sometimes it gets even better. You are the master of your fate, and the captain of your destiny. There may be a few good men who may touch your life but briefly, but they were only passing through. Prepping you for that special someone who will remain; and will not have reason to leave you; unless nature decides that for him, as it did for my partner.
You have to be open and receptive to new love-interests; because that's how new connections are made. Love is evasive; so you don't actually search for it. It finds you. Your job is to search for a match. Finding that someone who clicks with who you are, and ignites a certain chemistry between you. I did. The first attempt was great, but he dumped me. Yet it was good for me. He woke-up my dormant emotions and feelings; so I'm grateful to have met him.
I don't make friends with exes. The are swiped to the left.
I made friends with men who did try to date me, but that was when I was emotionally unavailable. I rejected them; but they, fortunately, didn't reject me. They are my very best friends!
Since, I've gotten completely over the dumper; and met someone else over a year later. Totally different from anyone else I've known. He's kind, generous, funny, and real. If I kept doing what you're doing now; we never would have met. I would have blocked him out. I given-up to. By blaming my partner for dying on me, or the other guy for dumping me. Instead, I chose to push forward. To live and be happy. Take on life's challenges, and use what I've learned. I pass it on to younger gay men like you.
You're young, that's what you should be doing. Getting on with your life, and being happy. Yes, there will be clouds and storms along the way. You'll survive it all, and look back in pride for what you were able to endure; yet still be able to pull out of it and bounce back. We are built to survive losses. Some give-up without trying. Not me!!!
You've been obsessing and second-guessing yourself; and that has kept you suspended in time. You can't move forward; and you're ruminating over what used to be, and not accepting "what is." The grief and sense of loss is natural; especially when the love was real. You have to let go. Time to reclaim yourself. He has a place in your heart, but you have to make room for someone else. There's no rush, just date for fun and companionship. Minimize sex until your emotions are in the right place. Don't fall victim to casual-sex; you need and deserve more than that.
Consider a few things. What did he do to make it possible for you to go with him? If the relationship meant as much to him as it does to you, was it absolutely necessary to take a job out of the country? Did you know all along that he had plans to take a job abroad; and insisted on growing a relationship knowing it would be interrupted this way?
You have to put yourself out there and start dating just for fun. Don't allow yourself to fall into the typical pattern of Tinder and Grindr trolling for sex like so many lonely and forlorn gay men. The alter-ego manifests in the form of a "drama-queen;" and we start dramatizing and dragging our hearts around, grieving over loves that have long-ended and started seeing other people in our stead.
Life is short. Don't waste it pining-away for someone who has moved-on with his life without you. You'll look back on all that wasted time in regret. Shake it off.
You have to be mature and realistic. You just need time. Time is the healer, and for some it may take longer. However; for those given to dramatizing, it takes much longer. Because they feed on the theatrics, sympathy, and self-pity. Those types of gay men tend to cling to lovers who have moved-on without them with very little trouble. He apparently has moved-on, and made a choice that offered you no options. So get over him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): What do YOU think is best for YOU?Without knowing that is hard to advise. I think deep down, you know what you want to do. It just takes a bit of soul searching (and if you decide to go ahead)- courage.It takes TWO to have a relationship. So,if I were in your shoes,I'd advise you to risk things a bit-maybe with slightly changed circumstances new arrangements can be made vis-a-vis the "abroad" thing?I'd have a discussion with him first though and see if he is open to it. IF he is not and is (just a possibility,don't get angry with it) glad that is over, there is not much you could do.If he feels like you do, but pride/whatever else stops him is stopping him from contacting you? Is there any chance you could speak to him face-to-face?A week-end at abroad maybe?If it works out=great, if it doesn't spend the 2nd night having fun with the locals :P The old saying : "The best way to get over a man is to get under another" might apply to you too? Just out of curiosity-do you know if he has a new partner already?Is there a way for you to find out before you ask him directly? Have YOU had another partner since him?I've only suggested the above because it sounded a bit to me like you haven't, so you're a teeeny bit obsessive over that one.
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