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female
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*itsune_Kuro
writes: I am 25 and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together a little over 4 years and have been living together for 3 of them. He is from another country and goes home to visit his family for about 3-4 weeks a year. I am concerned because I don’t miss him when he’s gone. He is actually away right now. Since he’s been gone 2 weeks, I’ve already managed to lose about 10 lbs (been trying for a few months now) and have been able to go out with my friends to the club which I rarely do when he is around. My friends have stopped asking me to hang out with them because my boyfriend doesn’t like to hang out with them and he doesn’t trust them (the ones who have been married are now divorced and he thinks they’re immature). Even if some of them are, I knew all of them before I met him and they didn’t influence me back then either. I feel guilty for wanting to go out while he stays at home so I end up just staying in too. He is a homebody and I am not. Prior to meeting him, I used to go camping with my friends and go out dancing. I love him but I am bored. So bored that it is affecting our sex life. I’ve discussed both of us going out to new places together or trying new things in the bedroom but he becomes offended that what we do isn’t entertainment enough. If we do manage to get out of the apartment, I feel like I’m twisting his arm and just don’t feel as comfortable having fun. I feel cold hearted for wanting a break in our relationship for those reasons but what do you do when you love someone so much but don’t see future of fun, shared experiences ahead? I don’t want to just deal with it and be unhappy. I’m starting not to believe in “Opposites Attract” anymore. I think we have a relationship where if we aren’t together, then there most likely won’t be a chance of us remaining close friends. I know it would break my heart to be close to him and *not be close to him*. I love him dear and respect him and don’t want to lose him. Please let me know where I should go with this.
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (22 June 2006):
 "How much do relationship counselors run these days?"
Honey, at this point, are you sure this relationship is worth saving? With all of those people in the apartment, when will he have time for the relationship with you?
I know I don't have the benefit of his side of the story, but based on what you've told us, he is lonely and requires a support system. Please note that I am not here to defend or criticize his situation - it simply is what it is.
Your instinct is probably screaming the solution to you. Listen to it instead of plugging your ears. Your instinct is actually coming through loud and clear in your posts.
Now you have some choices. One choice is to try to salvage your relationship. I don't think joint counselling will be effective, but it appears that your man needs therapy / counselling more than you do. He really needs to reconcile the choices he makes in life with how much he cares about the effect those choices have on you.
I don't think he will do any reconciling until you force the issue, which brings me to the second choice. You can leave him and start looking for people whom you can call kindred spirits. With kindred spirits, it is by and large easy to maintain the relationship, be it romantic or not. Better still, having these relationships provides a support system for you that transcends distance and time. I know because I have kindred spirit relationships with people who are thousands of miles away from me. I love all of these people and whenever we make contact with one other, it's like no time has passed.
Do some more thinking, but first, listen to your instincts as you deliberate over the choices before you. If you listen to your instinct, you always make choices that give yourself a chance at finding contentment in your life. If you don't listen, you never get those chances.
Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, Kitsune_Kuro +, writes (22 June 2006):
Kitsune_Kuro is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Camille for taking the time out to go over my question. My boyfriend keeps telling me that he eventually wants to go back home to take care of his family. I actually would be fine going with him but not for another couple years. I suggested a compromise of a location halfway in between the US and his country but he was against it. Its mixed reasons for him remaining in the US for now. He graduated from college a few years ago and has been trying to get back into some sort of medical schooling but the process has been slow. It would be a good guess that he misses his friends and family but he has many friends here that he chooses not to hang out with becuase they too go to the clubs and "hang out". He has moved his aunt in with us and has already offered his newly divorced sister a room at our 3 bdrm apt. He generously offered our place to them and then asked me after. I passively said yes, not wanting to be the bad guy. I think I see where this is going too but was hoping that maybe I wasn't seeing this right and that it would help for an outside party to look in on this. Of course this is just my side of the story and it would help to have both sides available. How much do relationship counselors run these days?
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (21 June 2006):
 Opposites may attract but you're seeing that it's not what long lasting relationships are based on. You need common interests and it seems you have totally left the real you and your life behind for this man. Has he made any sacrifices? Is he in your country because of you or is that his choice? Perhaps he's trying to keep you in because he feels he's away from his family & home country and is forcing some kind of sacrifice on you? Maybe not and that's a bit harsh, but either way, I think you already know that this can't work don't you? I think the problem is how do you leave someone you do love when you know you are not at all compatible. I don't have the answer but it will take a great deal of strength. Start by telling your boyfriend how much you love him, but how much you love doing all the things you do when he's not there. try to reach a compromise. If he's not willing, the problem is with him and sounds like his trust and insecurity is hindering your relationship. There's nothing wrong with spending time apart and having your own interests, but it sopunds like there's no balance here.
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