A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am a young 22 yr old single mom. I am very scared because I met a married man who is ten yrs older than I am. I'm not scared because I met him but because when we talked for the first time it was for hours. We have so much in common and he is very handsome. We just connected right away. Every since our first talk we just keep getting closer and closer. And now I feel as tho we have both falling in love with each other. I don't want anyone to read this and think Oh she is just young dumb and oblivious because I do have a pretty good head on my shoulders and I am certainly making something of my life. I also know the situation that we are in. I am the one that just told him this morning that we needed to not spend as much time together and not talk as much until he decides what he wants. He and his wife have a child together and have built a house and just have a typical relationship but they have lead seperate lives for the past year and a half. he is going to make a decision this month. and I don't know whether it would hurt me more to see him and his wife split and be there during all of the emotion that is to come or for him to choose his wife and possibly be unhappy. will my feelings change if he chooses me? I just want some opinions from those who have experiences with this type of situation-thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): "Ok, I didn't mean to make it sound like I like him because he is handsome, he is VERY HANDSOME." BUT.....LOL!
Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but you are all caught up in the intensity of your feelings, dancing in candlelight, singing, touching but not touching in a sexual way aside, you are tripping!
You are in danger of making a very bad choice for your life here, and you have a child to think about that you are dragging through this murkey mud....
THE INTENSITY OF YOUR FEELINGS ARE MASKING REALITY.
THIS MAN HAS A CHILD, HE IS MARRIED TO A WOMAN WHO HE JUST BUILT A HOUSE FOR. DOES THIS SOUND LIKE A MAN WHO IS GOING TO LEAVE HER FOR YOU?
AND IF HE DID, WOULD YOU WANT A MAN LIKE THAT, WHO CAN LIE AND DECIEVE HIS WIFE AND CHILD, HAVE AN AFFAIR WTIH YOU AND CHOOSE YOU OVER HER AND END HIS MARRIAGE?
Any man who was decent would end his marriage first and then go looking for a girlfriend, not the other way around, that is if he has tried everything to make his marriage work and earned his way out of it by really focusing on his wife and his marriage.
The danger of a connection is this, the intensity of your feelings has nothing to do with the reality of the situation or whether or not this man is right for you.
He isn't, he is married.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): ok I didn't mean to make it sound like I like him because he is handsome. He is very handsome but from the beginning we have had great communication and understanding. It has never been about sexual attraction. We spend great time together on the night of my birthday we slow danced in candle light and I sang to him. not once did we touch each other in a sexual way. We can talk about anything and we share so much it is amazing. communitcation is a great key in a relationship we have def. handled our situation better than anyone who would have a typical affair. So I feel as tho this is real. And really I didn't ask this question because I needed an answer I really honestly believe that my feelings would not change but I was looking on the internet and found this site so i posted a "question" to see what kind of responses that I would get and I like your opinions twirly and danielepew so thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Reading your mind and looking into a crystal ball is what your asking. You should be asking and pondering this question yourself. Apparently, you don't have it "all together" if you have to ask such a question.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): You met a man 10 years older than yourself and you talked for hours and there was a connection between you both. And now you are wondering if he should choose you and if so how you will feel about it.
Here is the thing. There is a danger in a connection.....the danger is this, it is not reality. It is your feelings of attraction, you say he is very handsome, in fact this is the ONLY detail that you give about him which shouts that you are very strongly sexually attracted and you are confused. The intensity of your feelings, has NOTHING to do with reality.
The reality of this situation is: This man is married. He is off limits. What married man on the brink of an affair doesn't say that he is unhappily married and thinking of leaving his wife? Answer, none of them, they all say this or you wouldn't entertain the notion of sleeping with them. He is a liar and he is emotionally unaivalable to you. He may be going through a bad spell in his marriage, or his ego is lagging because he is going through middle age and he has a paunch and he is feeling less virile and his wife no longer looks at him the way she did when she first met him.
Do not get caught up in his shit, you are much too young to settle for this kind of half ass relationship from a man who can so easily promise you the moon and have the perfect excuse of being married not to deliver it on a platter.....If he chooses you, it will be temporary. He has a long term marriage and a family and a life to get over if he decides to leave it. You are merely the crutch to help him get out if that is where he wants to be....more than likely he will do the same to you, when he finds someone else he did not leave his marriage for. He won't respect you for sleeping with him when he is married, he will wonder about you, when the truth is, he is the one with a weak character....or he wouldn't even be trying it on with you.
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A
female
reader, Twirly  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 PS I forgot to mention that if he does leave his wife and then chooses to be with you then you shouldn't feel guilty if your feelings for him change, as he will be coming to you as a single man, and not as a man who 'gave up his wife for you'.
If he leaves his wife it should be because he has chosen to do so, and he can't expect any more from you than if he had been a single guy when he met you.
You really should make it clear to him that you don't want to have him ending his marriage thrown back in your face if things should not work out between the two of you.
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A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (30 April 2008):
Hey Sweetie,
I think the most important thing is what you've already said, that you and he don't spend as much time together until he decides what he wants to do about his marriage.
The last thing you need is to be his 'reason' for leaving his wife, he should have the courage to sort out his marriage if it isn't right for him, regardless of whether or not he has you waiting in the wings.
Meeting you may well have made him realise that he no longer wants to be with his wife, but if your relationship is to stand a chance I believe he needs to end things with his marriage completely first.
If you two get involved before then it really will make things much harder all round and also you'll be a lot more attached to each other which will make it hard for you to pull away should the seperation from his wife take longer than expected. Similarly, it will make it easier for him to be tempted to stay with his wife and still see you, as he may think he can have you both.
It's such a tough situation, but if he is sincere then he and you owe it all concerned to do the right thing and wait.
If he's not sincere then sadly time will tell and he won't leave his wife, but I strongly advise you to keep a healthy distance until he decides!
Lots of luck! xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I haven't been to such a situation, but I can tell you this much: you are already involved with this man. I won't be quick to cast a stone to you: those things happen. you're not married, and married persons who live in unhappy relationships also get involved with people from outside. But, either way, you're already involved. What's done is done. You can't have it both ways.
I think he will make a decision on his own. Let him think by himself.
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