A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I was raised with the values of compassion.Long story short I got married to a guy who was with other girl for 6 years before plunging in love with me.They were in constant fighting/breakup mode during the last two years of it that is when I came into his life.My first 6 months were her last 6 moths (I suspect) He gave explanation of slowly getting out of it despite breakup in order to cause minimum hurt to all parties involved. Now that I am married to him 3 years later (6 months in marriage) I sometimes feel that I have cost her misery.(She is 40 and never married as she was counting on him).I have even asked my husband that you did wrong to her and if you want to help her settling in life/whatever way you always can.I often oscillate at the other end too when I hate her and don't want her to do good in life.There is when I start cursing myself that how can I think bad about others conflicting with values I was raised and I should forget/forgive.My husband has a very rational thought process that He and his ex made wrong choices and its over for good so I should not think about it.I too want to leave all things in past but finding it hard to let go.Is having such conflicting views about your husbands ex gf normal?What should my approach to this be - neutral and never think about it?How long does it take for such eelings to disappear completely?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 October 2014):
 I think your compassion may be misplaced here. She is responsible with her happiness. It takes two to break up. A man should not stay with a woman out of duty and pity. I understand that there is an overlap in the two relationships and you will always wonder if you are just a rebound, and would he ruthlessly leave you like he did to his ex. It's absolutely normal to have conflicting views about exes. I do think that a woman's status in India might affect her relationships as she ages. Not so much in Canada. Maybe it's much harder to find a mate at 40 in India who's also not a virgin.
Your compassion towards other people is really how you want others to treat you when bad things happen to you. You started a relationship with his break up so it will be a reminder of what he's capable of doing, deserting and moving on. This causes you to worry. Breakups can be cruel but when you think about it, staying in a relationship that's miserable and not going anywhere just doesn't make sense. I've heard about love relationships and arranged relationships. As you have the freedom to choose who you marry you also have the courage to stand on your own feet should the relationship ends. My approach would be to focus on the marriage, appreciate what I have and accept that there are many sad and helpless people in the world and you just can't take care of them all.
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