A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What happens when you are in a marriage with 3 kids and it is not working and no matter how hard you try to talk things through you just can not get through,. He says change my thinking and we will be fine. I can not turn on love in my head as he wants, I am not in love with him any more and he just wont give us space. I have asked to seperate, as i believe maybe that is the only way to come back together. He refuses to split the family. It is almost as though i feel powerless here. And he is just in denial. This has been talked about since last May and i gave us a year to move forward or move on. I can not get a clear answer, and i have met someone else. I feel strongly for him it has been 7 months. We started out as friends and grew the relationship into best friends and now lovers. I have to say that i have been with my husband since we were 19 and got pregnant. I always knew something was missing but had hopeful thought for us. I feel like the last year i have become invisible to him and he only cares for what he wants. I feel almost like a 4th child at times. I just dont know what to do and why my heart is so wrapped up in this other person.Also, would you sleep with other women if you were involved with a married woman who was going to leave her husband?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Are you sure this new guy wants to take on some other guy's three kids?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): Most times when people exit a marriage because they think they've found true love, they are in for a rude awakening and find themselves alone. You have to question a man that's willing to be involved with a married woman because usually these types of men lose interest once that woman becomes fully available to him and all the baggage that comes with her. If you are really unhappy in your marriage, make sure you are leaving the marriage because you'd rather be alone than with your husband. If that's not the case, I'm afraid there's gonna be lots of heartache for everyone involved. Except for the man your seeing, he has nothing to lose. He can just walk away like nothing happened.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 June 2009):
 I wouldn't trust being with a woman who's about to leave her husband, reason being, I wouldn't want to be with her when she's sleeping with someone else about to leave me.
True love is ultimately a choice, not a feeling. Look at your kids, they make mistakes, mess up now and then, but the question of whether or not you love them doesn't come to mind. True love in a marriage is the same concept. How long has it been in your mind that it's just not going to work out? For however long that has been, that's how long you've disabled the ability of your marriage to work. Whatever we determine an outcome to be, is what we're seeking, and what will happen.
You have both given up, put a time frame on the destruction of your marriage, which is wrong cause then you focus on the time and not what you're trying to accomplish. Since you've given up, why should your husband try? If he feels trying will lead to the same outcome, there is no sense in trying in the first place. Changing how you think works to a certain extent, but only to allow tools in to repair what's been lost.
You also have children that matter here. With this giving up, you're also giving up on their stability. I remember a counselor saying, when you get divorced, you also divorce your children. This is because of not being willing to try, you're accepting being a part time parent and giving up 30-50% of your time with them, and him the same. So where is that fair to your kids? Do they get a say in what's going on here, or not. How are they going to accept another person being where their dad should be? Being a single parent myself, and the experience they have had with their mom, I can say, they'll be pissed.
You're wrapped up in this person cause it's something different. Honeymoon phase, excitement, etc. that will depreciate with time also. Have you tried therapy or marital counseling? I've saved marriages talking to people that sound far more destroyed than yours is now. It may not seem worth it to you now, but they're happy they took the extra time and learned where they were both going wrong.
I don't know if you've heard this, but it's said often through the relationship counseling community. Think about its meaning. "The worse thing you do by going from one relationship to another is that you take you with you." When I first heard this, I had to give a lot of thought to it's meaning. Then I realized, both people have negative relationship habits which cause destruction, so the same you hold now, will be the same that will cause destruction in your future relationships.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
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