A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there..last year i was very very heart broken.i found out that the guy i had been dating for the past year had been engaged to someone else abroad. he lied to me many times...i genuinely thought he was my soul mate.He has recently split up from his fiance and now has a new girlfriend-who he met whilst he was with his fiance.Deep down i know that he is a jerk, however its been a year since all of this happened.I have gone travelling and met the most amazing guy.i want it to work with him so so badly, but:a) i dont trust him b) i cant seem to stop thinking about the other guy who cheated on me.i just dont know if I'll ever get over him :( Please can I have some advice before i ruin things with this guy? xxx
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male
reader, Daniel the love doctor  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Well first of all I'm sorry that you experienced such heartbreak. Getting over an ex is never easy, especially when you've become involved with someone new right after- because you then start to compare.
What you have to realize though is that all men are different. With that being said, you should give the new guy a chance. But of course stay aware. At some point though you're going to have to take the leap- and put your trust in this guy. I know a lot of people will tell you to wait months/years before you trust any guy. The problem with that is the longer you're in a relationship with someone, the more your feelings start to develop, the harder it is for you to bounce back from the relationship if you've broken up. And people can break your heart later on in a relationship, just as much as they an early on. And I know quite a few people that were married (or in a relationship) for a very long time- only to get hurt or cheated on by their partner. Does that mean you shouldn't try for a relationship? No... you should definitely try. There are still many wonderful people who are looking for the same things as you- and have no intent to hurt you.
Look, I live by a motto- give 100% trust in someone right off the bat and it's up to the individual whether they keep it or lose it. But in no way am I naive. I am completely aware of the person's action in the relationship- but I think in this case it's only fair. And it wouldn't make sense to me for someone to have to earn my trust- if they never lost it to begin with. What you have to figure is the right way for you. Keep an open line of communication with this new guy, get a feel for what he's about. And if he seems genuine, take a chance with him. Eventually, I believe, your feelings for your ex would slowly, but surely start to go away.
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Ok firstly its understandable that you need a little time to trust and enter into a new relationship because of whats happened with your previous relationship.
Regarding the new guy you say
a) i dont trust him
I would say, TRUST IS THE BASIS OF ANY RELATIONSHIP. IT TAKES A WHILE BEFORE YOU CAN TRUST ANYBODY WITHOUT TRUST A RELATIONSHIP CAN NEVER WORK OUT :)
b) i cant seem to stop thinking about the other guy who cheated on me.
I say, THATS BECAUSE YOU STILL HAVE UNRESOLVED PAIN INVOLVING YOUR EX. PREHAPS ITS A SIGN THAT YOU ARE NOT READY NOW FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP.
You say: i just dont know if I'll ever get over him :(
I say: YOU WILL GET OVER YOUR EX BUT the HEALING TAKES some TIME. :)
YOUR FAITH IN LOVE HAS BEEN HIT HARD, BUT REMEMBER NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE THE SAME, NOT ALL GUYS ARE UNTRUSTWORTHY... YOU HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE AND YOU NEED TIME TO GET OVER the pain and anguish of suffering.
Ive been through a similar ordeal as you and it took me 2 years before i was over that guy. Two years! then a year after that i met the most incredible man in my whole life and i married him. Relationships are never easy.
I KNOW SOME PEOPLE MAY ADVICE TO SLEEP WITH A NEW GUY TO GET OVER THE OLD ONE... BUT I WOULD DISAGREE BECAUSE IT WONT "SOLVE" ANY PROBLEMS INTERNALLY YOU HAVE REGARDING TRUST UNTIL YOU YOURSELF ARE WILLING TO LET THE PAIN GO. GO HAVE SOME FUN, DO HOBBIES, STUDY, WORK GO TRAVELLING, READ A BOOK, WHATEVER it takes to just heal.
YOU NEED THE SUPPORT OF THOSE THAT LOVE YOU TO SEE YOU THROUGH RIGHT NOW.
I HOPE THIS HELPS you. Dont lose faith in yourself :)
...............................
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