A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 3 years, and he recently proposed. The thing is, for those 3 (sexually active) years i have, quite a lot of the time, faked orgasms. The only way i can seem to orgasm is if my c*** is rubbing against him, like on top or sitting on him. I also cannot let him take me from behind because it just wont go in? It kinda hurts me when we try different positions and i i fake orgasms most of the time. I always tell him that it was great, i would never want to hurt him. Im just not sure why it hurts so much, or why it simply wont go in!!!- It only seems to go in when im on top? I really want to be able to try different positions and be able to orgasm-and not fake!? Has anyone been in the same situation, or can give me some advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. You gave a proper, detailed and caring answer. X
A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (5 September 2008):
 You need to establish better communication with your guy about sex. Tell him what you need, and he'll almost certainly be glad to give it to you.
Frankly, not a lot women who are just starting out sexually orgasm strictly from vaginal penetration. Many of them require some other external stimulation in order to make it.
Unfortunately, your faking it has given your guy just the wrong signals. Now you need to back up a little and tell him what you really need. There's no real need to confess that you lied before, just say that "now" you need that extra stimulation.
And frankly there's absolutely nothing wrong with manual or even oral stimulation down there if it will help you reach orgasm more easily. Don't be afraid to ask your guy to do whatever it takes to really get you all the way there. Frankly, most women are built to be able to enjoy orgasm more than once in a relatively brief period of time, so there is nothing wrong with asking him to get you there first, during your foreplay, before the two of you get really serious about copulation.
About the problem with mechanics when trying different positions. First suggestion is that maybe he is not quite "on target". Most guys, even some with substantial sexual experience, are not always sure just where they are going when it comes to new sexual positions. You might have to take things in hand, so to speak, and guide him gently into exactly the right spot in exactly the right way. If you are still having problems with this, you might want to consider getting a "marital aid", a vibrator or dildo, and try using that to locate the correct position, with both of you working at it. This will show you that it IS possible for you to be entered comfortably from that position (yes, it is ... you'll see), and will give you both some hints about how the mechanics of it will work.
Which brings me to another point. Lubrication. Your body (and even his, to a much lesser extent) produces natural lubrication to assist in making things easier. But quite often that is just not quite enough to make sex as comfortable as it should. So don't be afraid to introduce artificial lubricants into your routine. Water-based lubricants are the best, even though they do tend to dry out after a while and have to be re-applied. Don't be worried about using too much. If you accidentally do get too much, it's an easy thing to remove the excess with a towel or a baby wipe. Keep these things handy, you never can tell when you may need them!
Above all, communicate. Agree with one another that you both have permission to talk about what you need and what you want without fear and without embarrassment. And stick to that deal, Keep the lines of communication open and you'll help insure yourself sexual experiences that keep getting better and better.
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (5 September 2008):
 I once had a boyfriend I faked my orgasms with. The problem with doing that is that, even though it keeps things easy in the short-term, is that you’re then stuck with unsatisfying sex and no way to change what you’re getting without admitting that you have–let’s be honest about what we’re doing when we fake–been lying to your partner.
First and foremost…stop faking your orgasms. No buts. No “just a couple more times”. No “I will, unless he tried really hard and I think he’ll feel bad”. Just stop. Start communicating. Does your partner know that you need clitoral stimulation to orgasm? No? Then tell him. Not being able to come from penetration alone puts you in a teeny tiny little group of only about 70% of all women. There is no shame in it and most men are aware that women need a bit extra.
And the beauty of this is that it doesn’t mean you won’t have ever have an orgasm in missionary or other positions that leave the clit lonely–there are plenty of things you can do. Slide your hand down–or have your partner do the same–and stimulate yourself while he’s on top of you. Or behind you, which leaves your hands completely free if you drop your shoulders onto the bed. Try a vibrating cock ring…those little guys are like magic.
As to painful or just-not-happening penetration: Unless your partner is extraordinarily large or you are extraordinarily small (which it doesn’t sound like, since other positions are possible for you), then you can pretty much do anything with a bit of lube and a ton of relaxation. If as soon as you get on all fours you think, “shit–this isn’t going to work and it’s going to hurt”, your vaginal muscles will clench up and you will be shut down like Fort Knox.
This is where communicating with your partner comes in. You need to talk to him about your desire to make these positions work (I’m sure he’ll be right…um…behind you with that desire), so that the next time you go to bed, you don’t just try once and give up. Get into position, let him massage you and touch you gently while you relax. Apply lube. Apply more lube. Move slowly and gently. When it happens–and it will–just keep doing what you’re doing. The next time will be even easier because you’ll have the confidence that it will work.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (5 September 2008):
u know what? guys like the real deal, we like the foreplay/romance...we like the start, they like the finish...we're of diff sexes...I think the most important thing to tell ur bf is what u like, maybe he shud perform oral on u more, show him some articles (theres so many if u google "how to make a girl orgasm" maybe hes focusing too much on sex and not enough on foreplay, usually foreplay can make us orgasm, rather than sex, its true, without clit stimulation, u wont orgasm, it is wat it is...u can stimulate it as u hav sex, get into him..look at him and find something hes doing as sexy that can stimualte u...and dont worry u dont always hav to orgasm...so dont fake it...tell him wat hurts, tell him what u like adn want..or else ur not gna b happy, and prob feel gulity for faking it ( u fake FOR HIM ) start bein selfish and do wat makes u feel good, enjoy the moments rather than just finishing, make love..dont just finish him off, and if u arent feelin it...simply stop, b like eh im not into it..maybe t hen next time he'll put more effort in u. I tell my bf wen im not in the mood, or if im in the mood but then not in the mood, or what i like, or wat he shud do to me, etc. i dont care. and dont try from the bak if it hurts.
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