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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've recently got quite close to one of my teachers from school (I'm 21 now). We'd had each others email addresses from school and had kept in touch through that for some time as we had got on really well at school but, over the last few months we started meeting up with each other and now we text, email and meet up with each other several times every week. I see him more than any of my other close friends which doesn't seem normal. We just get on so well though, and to start with I didn't see him as anything other than a friend because he is nearly double my age and I know he is practically engaged to the woman he shares his house with however, now I'm not so sure. I've been round to his house for dinner a few times when she's not there (when I do ever mention her he shys away from the subject) and he is always putting his arm around me or touching me (not inappropriately) which could either be interpreted as being sisterly affection (defintely too much for just friendly) or flirting and I'm beginning to think I might have feelings for him too. My parents think he is a boyfriend substitute because I haven't had a serious relationship in years and I'm desperate for any male attention. Thing is at school he was never a fan of pupils touching him and I never even saw him once shake a pupil's hand yet when he is with me he does he can't help himself. I'm so confused about it though becuase I don't know whether I really do want more than friendship from him and, if I do, then is it for the right reasons? Also how do I know if he does want more from me or if he is just being friendly? I don't want to loose our friendship because I've never felt this comfortable talking to someone as I do with him in my life, but this whole thing is driving me insane! When I'm with him I can tell I'm hoping he might touch me again or lean over and kiss me and when I'm not with him I spend most of my day thinking about when I'll next see him. I can't talk to anyone about it who knows the two of us because they would all be disgusted and ridicule me for it especially as I've tried so hard to convince them all for the past few years that we are just friends. I'd feel like a hypocrite! Please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): Ok, I am confused about your going over to his house for dinner when his girlfriend is not there, I see and earlier post that you were there with other people, not alone with him?
If that is the case maybe there was not ulterior motive on his part by inviting you over,,,,it is a little odd that you meet up with him frequently unless it is to talk about some mutual subject that you both have an interest in or are working on together....
I just think you are infatuated with this man, which means you are in love with the "idea" of him or what you think he may be like or with the idea of being romantically involved with him, because he is not really returning your feelings like you want, he isn't kissing you, he isn't asking you out on a date, he is just being a friend and you are growing dependent on that friendship and you are attracted to him and are starting to long for something more....
He is practically engaged, if you want him, I suppose you might want to tell him how you feel or ask him if he feels something for you, but I think he is not available to you, and I am not so sure he is what you really would want.
Him being twice your age may be giving you some mixed signals, trust me, he senses your attraction and he is flattered by it and he may be throwing all kinds of signals at you that he is attracted as well, maybe he is not even aware of himself doing that to you, he is simply liking your attention, so once you spill the beans so to speak, you are risking the friendship because he will either have to back off or make his move for something more....it has to be your decision, I know what I would probably choose, a younger guy that did not have a live in girlfriend, but you will have to decide that on your own...but if all you are asking is if he is attracted, the answer is probably yes, women usually are right about these things, but where it gets complicated is whether or not the guy is really "serious" about following through on the flirting behavior and making it something more....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): After reading your text I think there are a couple of things going on here.....First off let's talk about you, you are 21, out of school and have not had a serious relationship or a boyfriend in years, there is nothing wrong with that, but there may be a reason that you have not entered into a relationship in a long time like maybe the last one you had broke your heart or ended badly..
Having a safe relationship with a much older man who has been your teacher and seems wiser than men your own age may feel safe to you, a way to try on a relationship so to speak without really having one that involves love and committment and sex....so your attraction is going and I think you are deeply infatuated, and perhaps your older male friend feels your attraction and is flattered by it and more than a little intrigued....problem is, he is not really emotionally available to you, or available at all for that matter, he has a live in girlfriend.
What is troubling to me is he is having you come around his house when she is not there for dinner where you could easily fall into bed afterwards....I am assuming you still live at home with your parents, so why else would he risk bringing you to his home if it were not for the hope of possibly having sex with you, it wasn't just for dinner or she would have been there, too...that is my basic instinct anyway.....the bad news is, if that is the case, he is looking to cheat, he isn't even caring that you would know that he is still with his live in, but perhaps that is what stopped him from going through with the deed, guilt and the realization that he is about to screw everything up if he does.
I think you can ask him what it is he wants out of this relationship with you, but I am not all that sure you will get an honest answer, and I think you should ask yourself the hard questions, is this man the kind of character that I really want? Does he have the kind of character I want in a man, will he make me feel happy, or will I be very sad if I go further with him and he still does not leave his girlfriend for me, or will I feel like someday he will do the same to me....I don't agree that just because he is not married he is a free agent to do what he wants, If he is a good guy, he will find a way to end his relationship before entering into another one, and if he is a weak guy, he will not....and you my dear may be the rebound girl that will just be the next thing between relationships for this man.
I don't think the age gap is a huge deal if you don't, but I personally don't like dating men twice my age, because if I did, he would be 100, and I think 50 is too young to be with a dead guy, think about it, what will growing old be like with an older man, when women out live men, 2 to 1...most often.
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male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (5 January 2007):
 Hi. I've dated women half my age, or almost anyway. So I don't see that as big of an issue as other's might. I don't act or look my age, so that helps. LOL.
The only issue I see is the fact that he has a live-in girlfriend. I've always been a one woman man, so I don't believe in having a little side action. To me, that may be what he may be looking for from you. You seem to be getting in over your head. . . which is not good. My advice would be to back off. If he pursues, then I'd put my foot down. No relationship with you until he gets rid of his girlfriend. That's just me.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): Hi
I'm replying to this here rather than reply to your PM in case it may benefit someone else.
Although you won't agree with me, I do happen to think Stina is absolutely right and would concentrate on this bit of her advice:
"What I think you need to do is have a chat with him about your relationship. Maybe ask him what he expects out of it - friendship or more, because frankly you're confused"
You need to talk to him and find out what's going on.
Obviously if he has a fiancee and is seeing you so regularly, and in secret, then he and you both know that something not quite right is happening.
If this guy does have any interest in you, that goes beyond the boundaries of friendship then, as someone with any self-respect, dignity and morals you should, of course, insist that things are ended with this fiancee before you carry on seeing him in this way. You do not want to be a mistress, and you don't want to be seeing someone who cheats on a fiancee. If he does it to her, he'll do it to you.
Sorry - you probably won't like this advice, but generally, if there are lies happening in a situation then there is almost certainly something wrong about what is happening. As with what has already happened, do you not think he is already emotionally cheating on his fiancee? If I were her, and I found out a 21 yr old girl was coming around for dinner and secretly meeting her all the time I would certainly classify that as cheating and the engagement would surely be over. Think about it from the fiancee's perspective for a while.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 January 2007):
 Hi there anonymous,
First off, I don't really see what him having been your teacher has anything to do with this, so I'm going to push that to the side (the only reason it would change things is if you were still in school, and you're not.) The way I see this is you have feelings for an older guy who is living with someone else. So lets deal with it that way, okay?
Alright - what I think you need to do is have a chat with him about your relationship. Maybe ask him what he expects out of it - friendship or more, because frankly you're confused. At this point, things might get a little awkward, so be prepared for that. Maybe expand on why you are confused - the touching, getting together so frequently, and even the fact that he stayed in contact with you for so long after school. If I were you, I'd wait for his response. I would not tell him how you feel until you hear what he has to say, because if you tell him that you have feelings for him first when he doesn't it will probably make things a bit weird, you know? If he expects just a friendship, I would probably plan on seeing him a bit less and talking to him less to get over feelings that might not amount to anything in the end. Save yourself from getting hurt, you know? Try and set some groundrules for yourself and stick with them.
Okay, so what if he says he's looking for more? You need to find out what "more" might be. Is it just a sexual thing, or does he really enjoy your personality and feel like there's a click between the both of you? I honestly don't really think that it's sexual because you say he hasn't done anything inappropriate, right? In my opinion, it seems like he might be very confused at the moment but is still being respectable - towards you and his partner (since he hasn't messed around with you on her) - and is trying to figure out what he wants. That's normal - to figure out what one wants in a person you're going to maybe spend the rest of your life with.
So in my opinion, you should talk with him and see where things are headed. You might have to distance yourself, but if you find that he does want more then you two need to discuss what that would entail. First and foremost, I would suggest telling him that he needs to break it off with his live-in girlfriend (you never said if they were really even engaged).
Listen - there's nothing wrong with what's going on here. You want to know where things stand, and he isn't even married. Normally I'm against breaking up anyone's relationship, but you're not really doing that. He's not cheated on this girl with you and you apparently haven't tried anything on him, either (good for you!). He's free to decide who he likes and who he doesn't. And he owes it to you to tell you where you stand in all of this, too. This is what dating is all about! Finding the perfect match.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (5 January 2007):
 Having your follow up information does change the circumstances a bit. But based on your initial information, I could come to no other conclusion than I did. Overall, my basic opinion has not changed at all, I still believe that this is a relationship you should not be attempting to further. Maintain it if you wish, but I would not involve yourself any deeper than you already have. And Yes, you probably are right that you would get a better opinion from someone that knows you both. Unfortunately, we only have the information YOU give to base our answers on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he has never done this before and the thing is he is totally against pedos and is disgusted by them. From talking to him I can see he really cares about the kids he has taught and despite a few girls having a crush on him in the past he has always joked about it never taking it seriously. From what he has told me I sense he's had lots of girlfriends in the past and has even said that he draws a line between his social life and school. Almost all the times I have seen him has been when we go out for dinner or to bars with lots of people and when I say he touches me I mean he takes hold of my arm when he is getting passionate about something he is talking about or walks closely beside me to nudges me when I say something sarcastic. Don't forget that I am an adult its not like I've been hanging out with him since I left school. I'm not telling you this to "ok" the situation but I just feel that you've got the wrong impression of him completely. So in a way it would be better to get advice from someone who knows us both
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (5 January 2007):
Listen... you need to stop what you are doing right now. This guy is grooming you to be his 'little on the side chippy," and that is the LAST thing you need. This is how pedeophiles lure thier victims... not kidding here. Please take this seriously. This man is twice your age, and was a former teacher of yours. He should KNOW better than to do what he is doing. Why do you think he waited to start touching you until after you finished school? Because he would have been fired on the spot if he ever got caught, that is why! Why do you think he only invites you over when his fiancee is not around... because this is a secret. Trust me this is NOT the kind of secret you want to get involved in. I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but this is heading no where but trouble. Please end all communication with him, investigate him, see if he is doing this to other girls, do a background check.... I would almost bet money that you are NOT the only former student he has attempted this with, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was currently in a situation that he shouldn't be in. RUN RUN RUN as FAST as you CAN!
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