A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I will start with a little information about myself. I seem to have this "savior complex" due to which I seem to be automatically attracted to people who need my help. Also, I feel guilty..ALOT. About three years ago I met this amazing female friend of mine who was going through a rough time. We soon became very close and I started liking her. She made it very clear to me that I was her best friend and she NEEDED me in her life. This entire time she has known that I liked her, but she chose to ignore it and would always come to me with the problems she was having with her boyfriends etc. It was all very painful for me to have to listen to her go on and on about some other guy, but I decided to stay in her life as a friend because I knew she needed me and had no one else who she trusted so much. I knew she was using me, both emotionally and physically (she would get physically close to me too when she didn't have a guy in her life), but I let her do it because I didn't want to abandon her and let her do something stupid (she always said that when I'm not in her life she loses control and does irrational things..and this was TRUE). But despite the fact that she was very comfortable with me physically and emotionally, she would not go out with me. Recently, it got to be too much for me and I told her she will have to find another best friend since this is way too painful for me. She cried and got really upset. Yelled at me for a while and asked me what she had done to deserve this. She also kept asking me if there was any way we could just say friends, and I told her no. But now that it's all over, I keep thinking about how upset she was and it makes me feel extremely guilty. Also, I know that without me in her life she will continue to do things that she'll regret later, and this sort of makes me feel like I'm partially responsible for whatever wrong she does with her own life. Did I do the right thing?Also, before leaving she did sort of hint at the possibility of a "relationship" in the future. Should I become friends with her again just so I can have something to look forward to? If not, how do I stop worrying about her? She has a boyfriend but she said she doesn't trust him or love him as much as me and wants me in her life. I just hate being the one who is taking away her only best friend away from her. Thank you for your advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, maverick  +, writes (7 May 2007):
 First up I would like to say you sound a top rate bloke.
Your post stikes me as you being very caring, dependable, reliable and trustworthy. You come across as a good person. You tend to help people because it makes you feel good. It bboosts your ego as other poeople have a need for you - everyone likes to be needed, who doesn't? Being needed reinforces an individuals worth. Hopefull that kind of explains the "saviour complex" you mention.
Every guy at some point goes through the "bestfriend-for-a-girl" role at some point (and I totally empathise with the "saviour" analogy). This is not a bad thing but there are problems with it when you try to progress out of it in to a different/further relationship.
The main thing to realise is that here you are becoming associated with all her negatives. You are her rock to which she can cling onto when her last boyfriend has upset her. You're the one she runs to with money woories. You're the one she looks to when she she needs advice on family problems. You're the one she can't wait to ask to go with her to carnival... right?
One of the things guys do is think that by being this friend they are getting emotionally close to a girl and that will help develop a deeper relationship - sadly what eveyone misses is that in this way you are just getting tied into her negative feelings. This doesn't lead to a loving relationship - guys just end up being therapists.
You did the right thing - and I'm impressed. The initative you took in letting go was ultimately the best thing you could do for youself. You have taken a positive step to get you out of an unproductive friendship. You have the honesty with yourself to say that you were being used - I wish I had behaved like that in my college years. You have much self-respect.
You have good qualities in you but it maybe worth thinking differently how you initially approach relationships. Consider bringing out your flirty, charming, witty, confident, humourous self first - leading with those qualities will attract poeple to you in a postive way. Then afterwards or when the situation arises you can still draw on your solid caring qualities but they should never have to be the main points holding up any relationship.
One other thing I will ask you to consider is not to care too much or too often. You can't save everyone and you shouldn't have. People will need to make mistakes, suffer and feel pain for themselves. It will help them develop so ease back on the support at times. It will also make them appreciate you more.
You seem a good bloke - just spend more time thinking about yourself a bit more. Let us know how you get on. Take care.
(If your ever in North London give us a shout and we'll head out for a drink)
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